Sonny The Spec

[tous]

First off, I LOVE reading what everyone writes. I've been following GITS for a year now. Most ardently. So I must say- you're feedback... is M-azing - it's delicious - it's awesome, seeds and all. So THANK YOU to anyone that reads this, thinks about reading this, or just straight-up pees on this. Thank you.

Sonny The Spec - is an animated tale.

It's gone through a lot a lot a lot of months worth of head under pillow action. I think it's been a year now. My pillow has actually turned into another world for me. (Warning: Face under Pillow may not be suitable for children).

I remember reading a quote by an early screenwriter who said ---By the time he was finished writing the whole thing for the first time, he had already gone through draft upon draft, as his process would be to go forward to then excessively rewind--- So thats me . So huh in drafts terms, I have no flipping clue.
For me, I've actually done 3 different versions. I say versions because its essentially the same story, but different paths (or target audiences: from Kids- straight up the juice box, to Adults- darky seriousness) So I guess I'm hoping this meets halfway.

Also note: This is animation and I've read a lot of them that aren't as descriptive as mine but, then again most if not all, are all done "in-house" and made-up while in the animation process. And I know I need touch-ups. God, I am awful. I write how I think so my phrasing is atrocious. Really. I may even have dyslexia or some form of amnesia where I forget the word I used before. It's probably because I'm hooked onto the next one that comes... or something- What was I talking about? Anyways!

But please, rip this puppy apart (or if your a dog person, I apologize, you can pretend its a kitty. If your allergic, all the more reason. Don't like either, I can't help you.. what do you want from me, A monkey? Fine. Okay, wait no I can't. You know what No. No Monkeys. Cause then everybody's gonna want a monkey and it'll be a big fuss and then somebody's gonna want a zebra.)

I think that's all I should say. I'd hate to explode rambunctious letters at you so I'll stop. lawmydaoxdpjaodj - okay that was the last time.

UPDATE: As of Tuesday 4/13/10 (also on page 3)
Sonny The Spec - NEWEST.
www.mediafire.com/?tmiltzgv23m
Thank you!

[Jeff Messerman]

Tous, from that post alone, I am instantly fascinated to read your work. I'm a tad overloaded right now with my own script project but I will do what I can to fit yours in somehow in the coming days.

Also, I'm a huge animation fan and a failed and frustrated animator... my first love was always cartoons and it was something I would have done anything to get into.

However, complete and utter lack of artistic ability and talent kept me well out of that world.

Still, an animation script or two is absolutely in my future so I have a definite interest in reading your work.

Thanks for posting! Hopefully I'll be backatcha' in the coming days!

Jeff

[tous]

Wow, the great Jeff reading my work. Thank you!
Yeah, its another way of thinking when your writing for animation, especially when you have to create limits for yourself and your story. And I'm not the illustrative creative type either. The only thing I'm good at is mixing color in paint and popping balloons. So wherever the ink spills right?

I just noticed that I haven't posted a logline. As they say, I think it's the last thing you do. But huh as sketchy as is just to get people interested I'll write one on the spot.

"A repressed Spec from the sun must find his way home with the help from a planet who may have a few problems of her own." - HEY it Rhymes!

[tous]

meow


so noone likes to beat up cats or dogs i see...


HUGh fine you know what, anyone who reads this script can have a monkey- there i said it.. enjoy.

[tous]

The Me and Em Show:

Em: Well, I gave this a read and I must say- you should pick up that pillow of yours- are you listening? - and wear it over your head. Then place your hands- like so, and exponentially apply pressure as to not excite yourself too quickly.
Me: I don't understand... You-you didn't like it?
Em: Actually, suicide is putting it too lightly. You see your room? - yes that box your in. Light a match and set it aflame. Why are you laughing? I'm quite serious. Burn it. Burn it all. Yes, with all your clothing. No-don't start moving things about- I said all of it- go on. Yes, even your happy birthday and get well cards, you won't be needing those anymore.
Me: You're aw-awful!! You didn't even read it!!
Em: I'd rather smear sour-milk mixed with marmalade across my face.
Me: AT LEAST tell me what to improve on...PLEASE?!
Em: Yes your quite right. What to improve? Well, I should say-I think you should work your way backwards and erase every word of it. Even the little periods you happen to have placed at the end of sentences. Yes- Now that would be a big improvement.


Will Me.. I should probably say I since I'm talking to myself, given Me is just a substitution for a character name, but then you'll get too confused-- SO, let me start again.

Will Me heed Em's advice? Will Em realize he's just a personality of Me? And will anyone ever read this smelly-old-script? Find out next time on-- "The Me and Em Show".

[glengarry]

OK. Now I'll read it.

[glengarry]

But there better be a monkey! And flowers. Fresh flowers.

[tous]

Hahaha, you don't have to if you don't want to- I was just getting bored and I talk to myself a lot anyways.

Flowers?!! Damn! I only seem to have dandelions- but they're as good as any I TELL YA, as good as any! Just don't sneeze or sigh in front of them, they're quite paranoid and would think you're trying to kill them. Which is probably why they usually scatter into the winds and land on the floor a couple of feet away. (Like penguins, not meant for flight--At least, so I'm told) - (I mean, they could just be allergic to you as well)

Thanks Glen (If you get bored, just make up the rest on your own, that's what I do anyway)

[songswithoutwords]

I am printing this and reading it this weekend. Logline sounds like Finding Nemo meets Toy Story.

[outofcontext]

Okay tous, got you downloaded and on the queue for the weekend.

[violet]

I'm downloaded and reading very soon! hopefully tonight! thanks for all the feedback you've been giving me

[outofcontext]

"SONNY braces his hands against the wall, it’s hard as bricks.
As the tunnel becomes weaker with time, the bricks become
looser, allowing Sonny’s hands to pull out one brick after
another. And just as a hot air balloon descends from the sky,
we feel our weight lightening as well."

"We are siphoned, squeezed and consumed in a ray of light."

You have a cosmic imagination, but how can you film us 'feeling our weight lightening as well' or being siphoned-even in animated form? I really gave reading this the old college try, but it's not for me. My opinion would be of no use to you because I am totally bewildered. I'm not sure how you can sustain a 90 minute prose poem on film. Sorry, tous. Hopefully someone else can help you out.

[tous]

Hey, nono --thank you! I know that screenwriting is a visual story telling - but as for the "ray of light" I tried to communicate or better yet, translate how one would see an abstract form like that, where light expands and contracts; a form of which was used in Stanley Kubrick's "2001 A Space Odyssey" in one of the final scenes of ascension-- he only describes it as "space folding onto itself". I guess since he is his own director and it's his vision he can write or even not write exactly what he wants to use.

"SONNY braces his hands against the wall, it’s hard as bricks.
As the tunnel becomes weaker with time, the bricks become
looser, allowing Sonny’s hands to pull out one brick after
another. And just as a hot air balloon descends from the sky,
we feel our weight lightening as well."

"Sonny places his hands against a wall of multicolored lights. He pulls out one brick of light at a time, to reveal more of the emptiness of black space underneath." -- possibly better?

This is exactly why I needed you to read this so I know from myself, that it's either too written/unresponsive/or malnourished.
anyways, thank you for your time. I appreciate it, truly.

[outofcontext]

Yes. Now I get it. You couldn't let me go, could you? You think you're going to sucker me in by being reasonable and competent?

Okay, you got me. Let me go over the first ten pages and tell you where and why I get lost and maybe that will help us both in some way.

[songswithoutwords]

Hi tous,

I've read it end to end. My thoughts, for what they're worth:

Strengths

The imagery, pacing, and themes are right out of Pixar. Some moments I was completely along for the ride. I think you have something here worth developing further.

If you make another draft, I will read it, because I enjoyed it. So don't be overwhelmed by the feedback. It didn't seem like much while I was reading, but now that I've typed it out, it goes a bit long.

Improvement areas

It's confusing, especially at the end. I think that's for 3 reasons:
1) There are some elements of plot which are not clearly explained
2) Some of the action description is hard to follow
3) I think there are some superfluous elements which could be removed to tighten up the story.

More detail below, starting with

Moments I loved.

Overall, you did a good job of characterization, giving very human behaviour to a spec and a planet. This is one of your strengths, using the attributes of these objects effectively.

The following moments were good enough for me to mark a 'tick' beside them while reading:

- Pages 3,4: Description of the Sun up close
- Page 8: Carb: "I dunno I'm making it up."
- Page 12: Introduction of the character STARE. (After the introduction, there is nothing else about Stare in the whole script, so maybe you need to cut this)
- Page 19 and later: Tear drops changing to vapour
- Page 21: Sonny's helmet
- Page 24: "Stop that", and everything stops, even the pebbles rolling.
- Page 33 and later: The unicorn bit.
- Page 39: Daphne's dialogue when she is unnerved
- Page 46: The comet sequence
- Page 48: "Well, I didn't like that idea anyway"
- Page 68, bottom half: The whole dialogue ("I didn't know that." "I know." etc.)
- Page 74: Loki playing with Daphne's insecurities.
- Page 79: "Who's that?" "Loki -- Who's that?" "Who?" Smash!
- Page 80: War on Loki's surface

Unexplained story elements

These are the questions I still had open in my mind at the end of the screenplay. Some of them may be explained, and if so I apologise. I didn't understand them. These need to be much clearer in my opinion, to make the ending make sense.

- What did Sonny feel guilty about? Something to do with sparking or exploding or his brother, I'm not sure which
- Were Sonny and Spark born at the beginning of the script, and if so, why does Sonny have so many memories of Spark?
- What is the significance of flaring? What is the danger of it?
- Why does Daphne go after Luna, if Daphne's father has already told her this will not help?
- Who is Loki, why is he collecting moons?
- Why has Spark become some kind of a king?
- Why does Spark need to attack Sonny?
- What exactly killed Spark?
- What are the dark shapes and silhouettes at the end?
- What motivates the comets to attack?
- What/who are Alternative and the other one?
- Ending: Didn't Loki die on page 84?
- Ending: Didn't Daphne die on page 84?
- What do the first two pages tell us which is relevant for the rest of the story?

Action description

The following are examples of bits which lost me, slowing down my read as I flipped back and forth to try to understand what you meant.

- Top of page 3: siphoned, squeezed and consumed in a ray of light. voices burning up. tunnels of light responding to us in waves.
- Page 3 in general: Which object are we following? The signal or the egg or the satellite?
- Page 5: An uncontrollable tightening takes place
- Page 6: Wiggle his fingers with the egg in a quarter trick.
- Page 8: She tastes the name
- Page 10: INT. EGG. At this point, Sonny's egg seems to be on the ground, but a second ago it was in his father's hand. I got lost.
- Page 10: Carb calls Sulfie "Hugh"
- Page 17: The moment in purgatory is funny but what does it mean? What is an ISM?
- Page 17: Everything to Daphne seems much louder, more detailed. Why?
- Page 21: Light starts to wither away in its numbers...

There were others as well.

I would suggest to line edit these and make them as simple and concrete as possible. An example of where you do it well is in the comet sequence. The simple words DIVE BOMB draw a whole scene in the head. Try for more of that. I'd say at the moment you are hitting it dead on at least half the time. So I know you can do it.

Superfluous elements

These two were also open questions for me at the end, but it seems to me the best way to answer them would be to cut them. As a suggestion.

- What was the satellite for? (suggest to cut this character)
- What is going on in Purgatory? (suggest to cut this whole sequence of events)

That's it for now. I think the area to focus on is definitely the open questions. A line of dialogue inserted here or there could clarify all that, and let the reader lay back and enjoy the humour and fabulous imagery.

As Mr. Scherer would say, Keep Writing. Keep writing this one.

- Andrew