tous
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Posts: 106
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Post by tous on Apr 14, 2010 0:03:53 GMT -5
Hauw hauw hauw, mon cheri- -- I WISH.
Unfortunately my mom spoiled my romantic endeavor of thinking my dad was from france at the age of.. 15, so throughout my life i thought they met on the Eiffel tower, had a chocolate covered apple and sat down and had some kids- but alas--- she tells me he is in fact and forever will be -Canadian. (oh canada!) I mean, really mom? really?- Way to bring out the lime-a-beans and spill my frosted mini-wheats. (Not that any of this would interest you, but i also like nutella)
Oh yeah dude, I'm all about the surrealist and existentialism (I'm in Fine Arts, so I've taken art theory and history)- (and i know how to doodle) But, I'm unfamiliar with Carl Sagan, just looked him up. La-Hoov the movie Contact. Anyways-- Derek, thank you, incredibly- its so refreshing to hear that all this work had led to that. Simply. You. Just you. Enjoying it. I need that.
And Oh.. do i get to do it now? No? Too early? Premature emmancipation? Okay here goes. Chh chhh- I'd like to thank Violet (kissing you foreveR) Andrew (cause calling you by your real name is so much more audacious), Thank you - Tonym (your the spunk to my cheese), Glengarry (Read it again and you get a zoo), Echomusic (Ya! you were there, I saw you), Jeff (you busy mother-f-er), OutofContext (because college and prose poetry don't mix, but you stuck with me), aaaannnd, the 700 other people that have visited and never commented.
Seriously, tho, they pushed me in this direction. Any more pushing, is most welcome! But im hoping there won't be.
(Derek, from your comment below- it's like waiting for a goodie bag at the end of an awesome birthday party- cannot wait for your notes!)
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Post by fastfreddie on Apr 14, 2010 16:03:05 GMT -5
Tous,
I'm not letting you off that easy. I do have notes to pass on. I'm backlogged at the moment... will get them out in a few days.
Derek
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Post by dwight on Apr 26, 2010 2:19:06 GMT -5
what up tous, gave it a read (returning the favor of reading mine). I got to say the theme/premise is unique and imaginative. My own thoughts were constantly trying to paint pictures. I reached back to Never Ending Story with the Rocky character, little fire character from Howl's Moving Castle as Sonny, and Galactus from Fantastic Four. I powered through, but don't test me on it, please... hehe. A lot of the times I wasn't able to paint a picture, and got good n' confused. Definitely a hard task of giving the planets, stars, comets human type qualities and roles. Hasn't really been done as a whole movie. I was trying to think of a way to get the audience to see the same story you're writing. One thought I had was the possibility of a Narrator (V.O.) moving Sonny and Daphne along, could even be related with the ISM character, or a god character. Just a thought of making it easier for the plot to get across. I'm interested to see how this works out. Good luck. another image that popped into my head a bunch...
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tous
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Posts: 106
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Post by tous on Apr 26, 2010 11:23:22 GMT -5
Hahaha! Yes, exactly them. Or just watch anything on the history channel about the Universe and you pretty much nailed it. I'm sorry this is still coming off as confusing, I wish I could just make this and that way it won't be left to reading. But, Thanks alot man, you didn't have to do that hehe but I appreciate the read because Actually-- I really like that suggestion. I never thought of that before and the ism would make a pretty sweet narrator (like Jiminy the Cricket) (or god? Hmmm) So If anyone else wants to leave feedback and agree with that which has been said-- I'd REally appreciate it. Any problems they had, or parts they don't get, please I'd like to know. Thank you.
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Post by fastfreddie on Apr 29, 2010 21:33:15 GMT -5
Tous,
My apologies for not submitting these notes earlier, I've been jammed up at work.
As I declared in my previous post to the GITS board, I really loved this story. However, I agree with some members that it is a bit convoluted and needs to be streamlined and written with more clarity. (and from your responses-you agree)
Also... my first impression: Sonny the Spec would make a great childrens book... your characters would benefit and flourish in this medium and be a hell of a lot easier to illustrate (static) than trying to make them come to life on a screen. Just my opinion.
One more thing... you need to always keep in mind who the target audience is. Sometimes the dialogue and concepts (Dromar, Evitanretla, and Alternative) run a little too cerebral and heavy.
One, one more thing... you need to try to use words that are in line with the tone and the setting... more astronomy/celestial? type of words. I could be completely wrong in this, but... I think sometimes you are trying to bestow human qualities to these very unhuman characters. Just a thought.
To follow are my notes:
GENERAL COMMENTS:
In my humble opinion, one thing that might help in making this an easier read is the Character/Scene/Action descriptions. For a CHARACTER DESCRIPTION example, please turn to pg. 13
EXT. PLANET - SPACE
It's a planet; a haunted house. It's (misspelled) plates CREEK (misspelled) as they...
I understand where you're going with this, but... try not to compare or reference earthly things. In my pea brain, I immediately imagined a haunted house... try to use words that describe and yet give a hint of its personality... try something like this:
It's a planet; dark and ominous. Its plates CREAK as they shift. Ghostly clouds hover like a death fog. Pools of brackish water, barely enough to sustain life, have turned a ghastly green in color.
Okay, maybe a little over the top, but you get the point.
NOTE: In regard to Loki... I think you eluded to his darkness... you might want to re-visit his description and enhance his evilness a tad. (especially being an antagonist)
For a SCENE DESCRIPTION example, please turn to pg. 20:
A drawing shows a bunch of space clouds; a nebula.
INT. NEBULA - SPACE
Tweak skyrockets out of space clouds; like a sneeze frozen in mid-air, with tiny tree roots branching into space.
Okay. This might be nit-picky, but... not crazy about the mixed metaphors. I do like the sneeze part (thanks, Violet) but in my opinion, you are only describing what it looks like. What kind of galaxy is this? Is it a safe or dangerous galaxy. Why is Daphne so compelled to go there?
For a ACTION DESCRIPTION example, please turn to pg. 1:
His belly-box (power source) reads "empty", as he slowly falls under shade to orbit around towards the light side of a planet.
I understand what you are describing, but... it just doesn't roll off the tongue. It starts to get weird for me around "falls under shade..." It needs to be more succinct and clear. There are a hand-full of action/description paragraphs that need to be tightened and written with more clarity. PLOT:
I have 2 major issues with the plot/characters.
Major Issue #1: The stakes aren't clearly defined. (I could be wrong) Is it clear or been explained: What would happen if Sonny doesn't flare? Does he lose his ability as time transpires? If this is Sonny's goal, I think we need to know what happens if he doesn't flare... or does it matter? and... What happens to Daphne if she doesn't harbor? Does she have a biological clock that ticks away? Once again, does it matter? I think if the audience/reader understood the stakes, it will only heighten and intensify the conflict.
Major Issue #2: Too much plot... You have a lot going on in here. You might want to think about streamlining the storylines... even editing a sub-plot or two.
STRUCTURE:
The structure is a bit tricky to discuss. I don't know if you outline or how you structure your writing. However, I think you need to re-visit this. Most stories/screenplay show their weaknesses in Act II. I also think Sonny the Spec suffers here. I think if you can't work out the structural/plot issues, (I honestly think you can) you really need to take a serious look if this is a full-feature film. It might just be a film short... and that's OKAY. It will be a GREAT one at that. Enough said... let's move on.
Be careful with the sequence of events. In a few instances, the action sequence was out of order. This example is a bit nit-picky, but there are others. Please refer to pg. 17:
DAPHNE (V.O.) You better! Look, nothing's damaged, your (misspelled: should be you're) fine, see? Well except-
A gust of wind clears away the dirt. Sonny's burnt mark is etched...
Daphne could not have seen the map until "a gust of wind clears away the dirt." Did I read this correctly?
CHARACTERS:
I love your characters... one of the best parts of the story. You have given us a rich and wide variety. (maybe too wide? see below)
A couple of issues to consider:
Issue # 1: Too many characters... I counted 18. Too many for the reader/audience to track. I think you need to get this down to 10 or so. You have too many characters with just a few lines and then POOF, we never see or hear from them again. Combine or get rid of some.
Issue # 2: You are walking a fine line (sometimes crossing it) of making Daphne a stronger character than Sonny... they seem to be competing for screen time... and in a few instances she may even overshadow and dominate Sonny... Sonny's problem is definitely the main storyline and Daphne's the sub, but... I don't know if this is a big issue or not, but...
DIALOGUE:
The dialogue is good. I absolutely loved the exchanges between Sulfie and Carb. One thing you might consider is creating a new language (like Avatar-obviuosly not that extensive) or a few words or key phases that only the inhabitants of this world know and sprinkle them throughout the story.
Also, a thing to watch out for is Dromar's, Evitanretla, and Alternative dialogue. It was sometimes dense and cerebral.
PACING: The pacing in Act I was good... Act II could use a pick-up (maybe structural issues at work) and Act III moved along at a great pace.
TRANSITIONS:
Act I flowed... and the formatting was decent... but I noticed a considerable drop-off in Act II and III. Please refer to pg. 32.
EXT. DAPHNE - SPACE
His light moves to her forehead. Whose light and whose forehead? The eyes search from where the light is resonating from. Whose eyes? She covers it. Who covers it?
Also, you need to incorporate more of what I believe are called "storyline cuts." (I could be wrong) You used this technique? effectively in one sequence of your screenplay. Please refer to pg. 25:
DROMAR You probably have some micro- organism in you already.
INT. PURGATORY - WHITE
Micro-organisms, much like transparent clusters of lint...
Dromar refers to "micro-organisms" and then BOOM... the next scene we find ourselves in Purgatory being introduced to them. It is easy, seamless and creates a nice flow. I think this is a cheap and effective way to create an easier read.
THINGS TO CONSIDER/CHANGE:
1. Be careful with your action verbs (is this correct?)... you need to write in present tense. Please refer to pg. 4:
SONNY, an orange spec, rolls around... ROARING and squeezing the yellow plasma...
It should be: He ROARS and squeezes the yellow plasma...
2. Be careful with writing unfilmable scenes or paragraphs/asides. Please refer to pg. 26:
Dromar, being much closer to the Sun has been becoming...
This paragraph is unfilmable and if you removed it, I don't believe the story would suffer. There are a few scenes/paragraphs similar to this.
3. I would think about losing Daphne's V.O. The INT./EXT. combined with the V.O. is a bit confusing. I'm also having trouble visualizing Daphne's INT. scenes. I hope that makes sense.
CONFUSING SCENES OR ......
1. The timing of Sonny's introduction. You have introduced the main character as "Sonny" on pg. 4... and yet Sulfie and Carb are still discussing names on pg. 5... did I miss something?
2. Unfilmable Scene? Refer to pg. 41: Sonny's plasma starts to slow down and harden. Maybe it's filmable, but... How about having Sonny change colors to signify that he's cooling down... maybe have him slowly turn different intensities of blue?
3. Purgatory: (nit-picky) I'm not to crazy about the name... love the concept... and loved all the scenes with ISM. The word purgatory is just not celestial or spacey... doesn't fit with the tone or setting.
4. Flint: Refer to pg. 45: He had dialogue before being introduced... easy fix.
5. Unknown Characters: Refer to pg. 41:
EVITANRETLA Like your moon pets. Rocky, crunchy, bonny things.
Maybe Rocky, crunchy bonny things were from another incarnation of this script? I thought the only pet moon Daphne was given was named: Luna. Did I miss something?
6. Flashback: Refer to pg. 49: I don't understand this flashback. If this story plays out in linear time, how can Daphne losing Luna be a flashback? Did I miss something?
FINAL COMMENTS:
Mr. Tousignant,
The bottomline is that Sonny the Spec is a great story. In my opinion, all the issues are fixable... I also believe that the writer who is capable of conceiving this fantastic story, is also the same writer who is more than capable of fixing this story.
GOOD LUCK with the rewrite.
Derek
P.S. This is only about half of my notes... I will get the balance out in the next few days.
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tous
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Post by tous on Apr 30, 2010 0:36:47 GMT -5
Derek,
I absolutely, positively, cannot appreciate the amount of work and thought you have put into this enough. I mean, this is soo completely objective-- honest, and outstanding feedback, it's left me speechless, and quite dumbfounded. I mean, I wish I tuned this more. That it wasn't so ..disrespectful? to the people who take the time out of their day to read it. Heh, it makes me feel somewhat naive, and for that I'm insanely sorry. I see how a lot of problems have come about. A lot of mix-matched drafting. I will indeed, be working on this this whole Summer- as my senior thesis is due next week- so a lot of which you have said, is going to put me to work. It has been so insightful to hear your view.
But One quick thing: The flashback you refer to on page 49 is there to show that Daphne "seemingly" -did NOT harbor because I wanted a somewhat twist at the end where you realize, with Sonny in the Fog scene that she has and that is what has defined her attitude, and behavior. (ive given some clues as to, "who drew the map?" - "Why does this planet look so barren and unkempt?" , and then finally, the "cave man drawings-- But Maybe I should tell it linearly and have that in Act I. No twist. That was in my first few drafts. I didn't do flashbacks at all because Pixar's advice is to always tell stories linearly. But then i thought the twist would be a good reason for it, and after watching KFP i liked that backstory they had with Shi-fu.Anyways-- As for Daphne overshadowing Sonny, I didn't think it was an issue even when I thought about it, months back. But I will consider fixing if there is a way i can be happy with-- because im so involved with both of them, it's very hard.
Again. I really liked the advice you gave, so u can count on me to re-read-re-read-re-read over and over so i wont miss a thing on the next one-- and then get it made! BAM! I even liked the children's book idea, i never thought of another medium for some reason. Even tho that's what a writer should always do for the betterment of the story.. So I bow to you, I thank you, i kiss your foot, i bring you noodles... Yes..(im sure in some country that is the equivalent to gold so just take it)
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