Ok – first things first. I am fairly new (newbie) to the screenwriting world – so my notes may not be worth the paper there written on. Also – these are just my review notes and you can take them and chuck em’ in the garbage if you want.
(I did not get all the way through this, but maybe someone else can pick up from page 30 or something...)
I do want to say that if I appear to be harsh I apologize in advance…I feel though that if people are harsh and give honest criticism – then that is more important than someone just being nice.
- I would tighten everything up – the writing – the descriptions – everything.
- Instead of narrating like your telling me a story in novel form you need to write to show me.
The first page – I would re-write maybe something like
FADE IN:
A beep-beep-beep noise from a hospital machine (We don’t see it yet, but we will).
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR – DAY
Jamie Delaney (30), a good looking guy, dressed modern and appropriate, but ruins it with crap shoes; drops his shoulder as he approaches a door. (This gives me the idea that he’s somehow depressed – dropping the shoulders thing.)
I would then put in where the cousin laura and joe approach.
Segue to – Int. Hospital room – day
Page 2 – When the Grandfather passes – you should re-word this where Jamie is and what he does – something like – eventually he leaves the room numb to what just happened.
Reword the scene where we first see Purgatory
A constant dim light shines from above – lining the shops and buildings with a dull glow. Every now and then a burst of lightning shatters across the open void followed by an ethereal blast of sparks.
Int. Hospital Corridor – Continuous
Where you have Jamie leave the room and then switch to Purgatory and then have us back at the Hospital room is a continuous thing – so you should state it.
Page 4 – Joe should say what are you talking about?
Page 8 – Harvey watches the tellie or television.
Page 15 – I think kerb is spelled wrong – I’m thinking curb.
Page 17 – How does Bernie know it’s the guy from the hospital? Did he know his name earlier?
Page 22 – Emily stands to reveal a swimming costume – maybe should be stands to reveal a swimming suit.
I’m a little confused about where they are – you say they row across the lake – so how can she be stuck in a sluice gate? (To be honest – I had to look that up on google.) To me – that would put them in the middle of the lake before she starts to swim.
Maybe you could say a little earlier that they drift towards a channel and a lock – set between steep banks. That way it makes it more plausible that he can’t go right over to the bank and just climb up there to get help and has to take the boat back to shore.
Page 28 –
Honey holds court? I’m a little confused – is he telling us about a fight. This whole scene has me a bit confused –
Maybe re-word – to say something like
INT. WHITE LION – DAY
Jamie walks in – looks around and immediately gets swallowed up in one of Honey’s fighting tales. He listens for a moment –
(This is where you could put the stuff in about Honey fighting)
Jamie turns not really into it and gets confronted by his boss and Bernie. They start to give him a hard time.
(This is where the comments from Bernie and the Boss could take place.)
I would then have Jamie leave in a more angrier fashion – like he flips them the middle finger and yells back that he’ll be at work and to get off his back. That would create a bit more of conflict in the scene. It leads me to ask questions like – oh shit did Jamie really give his boss the finger? IS he going to be fired? Stay tuned to find out…gives me a want to keep watching.
Page 30 – where Jamie gets hit by the car and Beth follows – I would re-word this – make it a little more intense with action –
Jamie is cold to anything happening right now – pays no attention to walking out into the road while Carol speeds down the road in her car.
Carol reacts at the last second – BA-LUUMMPPP! CRACK!
Jamie gets hits – spirals up onto the hood of the car – crashes head first into the windshield.
Blood spews out from cuts –
Carol slams on the brakes – Jamies fractured body flips onto the pavement with a dull thud.
Delfan, a friend of Carol’s that was riding with her gets out to check on Jamie.
He’s motionless – death may have called early…
…but wait, he peels himself off the pavement. Stunned – he looks around.
(This is where Delfan can pick up asking him if he’s okay.)
Page 32 – mown maybe should be mowed?
So – that’s what I have so far. I don’t think I will get all the way through this but I do like the concept…
(Ok – I snuck a peak and went directly to the end and read the last page.)
I like where he (Jamie) has finally found another love (Beth). Although – I would also reword that – like maybe have him more aware of what he’s got…another great woman in his life.
I hope this helps you and maybe you can go back through and re-read your screenplay and re-write it. Again – take my notes for what they are. If you don’t like them – then toss them. I hope someone else gives you notes on this review. I really think mscherer has a good thing going with this weekly review.
Thanks for sharing your screenplay.