Post by waltkurtz on Oct 25, 2010 17:38:41 GMT -5
jimmy7,
I had hoped to finish this script so I could fully participate in the discussion. Unfortunately, I've only made it to pg.62. Not because of the script, but because of my schedule of late. That said, before we head off to the next thread I did have a couple of thoughts I wanted to share.
First, I think you have a very easy and amusing sense of dialog and it helps this piece a lot. I also think the set-up is promising. It's also a complicated structure though, because you're trying to hit a sort of dark comic sweet spot that is very small and therefore difficult to hit akin to American Werewolf in London. I think the transitions between earth and Reaperville are missing this tone ever so slightly and I was hoping to have finished it so I could figure out why I felt that way. Perhaps it's because the reaper's story and the protags story don't really have any reason to exist in the same picture. Their stakes are not unified so that they complement each other. Of course, I say that not knowing how it all resolves.
My biggest issue so far with the piece is that I think you spend way too much time getting Jaime to accept his reaper protected status. We've seen movies (think of any iteration of A Christmas Carol) like this a thousand times where someone is visited by death and takes a while to get their head around the idea, so I don't think an audience needs that build up anymore. That said, if the process of getting him to accept it was funnier or more exciting it may alleviate some of this concern. As it is now, it just felt like marking time until the real story began.
Hope this helps. I will finish this draft as soon as I can and get back to you.
Cheers,
Walt
I had hoped to finish this script so I could fully participate in the discussion. Unfortunately, I've only made it to pg.62. Not because of the script, but because of my schedule of late. That said, before we head off to the next thread I did have a couple of thoughts I wanted to share.
First, I think you have a very easy and amusing sense of dialog and it helps this piece a lot. I also think the set-up is promising. It's also a complicated structure though, because you're trying to hit a sort of dark comic sweet spot that is very small and therefore difficult to hit akin to American Werewolf in London. I think the transitions between earth and Reaperville are missing this tone ever so slightly and I was hoping to have finished it so I could figure out why I felt that way. Perhaps it's because the reaper's story and the protags story don't really have any reason to exist in the same picture. Their stakes are not unified so that they complement each other. Of course, I say that not knowing how it all resolves.
My biggest issue so far with the piece is that I think you spend way too much time getting Jaime to accept his reaper protected status. We've seen movies (think of any iteration of A Christmas Carol) like this a thousand times where someone is visited by death and takes a while to get their head around the idea, so I don't think an audience needs that build up anymore. That said, if the process of getting him to accept it was funnier or more exciting it may alleviate some of this concern. As it is now, it just felt like marking time until the real story began.
Hope this helps. I will finish this draft as soon as I can and get back to you.
Cheers,
Walt
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