Baptized in Dirty Water

[oz]

Hi all. Worked on the third act of this script and was hoping I could get some feedback since it's got some interest. Your opinions would be helpful before I send it out.

TITLE: Baptized in Dirty Water
LOGLINE: Two women, forced together for six weeks, struggle with a shared fear of being alone in very different ways, for very different reasons. A light comedy about accepting life, warts and all.

I've never done a Sendspace upload so if I did it wrong, someone tell me and we'll figure out how to do it correctly! ; )
www.sendspace.com/file/uadv0h

Thanks, in advance, for the read.
Donna

[Deleted]

I was able to download it.

I will do my best to read it as soon as possible, but I can't guarantee anything.

[Deleted]

Correction. I was able to open it but not download it.

It looks like you are using Google Docs. You should be able to share it publicly from there.

[mscherer]

Donna,

First the nit picking, then the praise

Page 3
Several roll their eyes at the interruption; others snicker. Paula rushes to Marcia's side.

Several roll their eyes… took me out of the flow. I had to ask myself: several what?
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Page 4
Marcia can't hide her boredom as an ELDERLY BLACK WOMAN
interviews for the position of home health care nurse at the island.

Same with ‘…at the island’. Maybe kitchen counter or breakfast bar would work better.
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Page 6
Roy rushes in with a carry-on slung over his shoulder. He stops watches his wife for several moments.

Need a comma between stops and watches.
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Page 8
Marcia mortifies at her messy house and follows Sammi into the kitchen.

Marcia mortifies?? Maybe: Marcia looks mortified at her messy house as she follows Sammi into the kitchen.
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Page 23
EXT. CAMPERSON HOME - DAY
The same house in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. The neighborhood a great deal rougher than the serene picture on Maria's wall reveals. Sirens blare nearby.

An abrupt change of scene. Didn’t get the connection until the last line. Maybe something along the lines:

EXT. CAMPERSON HOME – FT. LAUDERDALE - DAY
We see the house in the picture on Marcia’s wall. The neighborhood a great deal rougher than in that serene picture. Sirens blare nearby.

Also, Marcia’s is spelt wrong (Maria’s)
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Page 33
INT. GREAT ROOM - NIGHT
JOHN EDWARD 'reads' a member of the audience whose recently departed mother sends a word of hope to the tearful daughter on the television program.

Maybe should start this scene: On the television, JOHN EDWARD ‘reads’…
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Page 86
Natalie's bedroom looks different than the last time we saw it. Taped up boxes line the parameter of the room.

Should be perimeter of the room.
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Page 94
First there is this…
.
MARCIA
You got something from my momma?
One of those me-too things you get?
EDWARD
Well, sign the papers. That's what
I have for you. Sign the papers
and keep the tin.

Then on page 96 there is this….

Marcia frowns at Natalie's nag.
MARCIA (FILTERED)
Okay! Geez. Okay, so, kids, this
is something really special that I
need to share with you.

She takes the lid off the tin.

But—
What was in the tin?
What were the papers she had to sign?
What??

Just curious.
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Okay. Loved the story. You absolutely had me hating Marcia and absolutely loving Natalie. This whole story put me in mind of The Odd Couple meets Driving Miss Daisy.

As you can see from my comments, only nits, no major concerns or criticisms. Well done. When do we see this up on the silver screen?

Keep Writing!

[oz]

Thanks a bunch, Mike. Fresh eyes are so wonderful to catch those things we see in our minds better than we convey.

As to the tin, it was the tin Natalie opened when she was cleaning in the living room. It held the old pictures and newsprint that Marcia didn't recognize as valuable yet. And the papers were Natalie's time sheets at the end. I was trying to convey Marcia needed both an awakening and closure to let all the crap go. Perhaps the 'reading' doesn't play that out properly.

Again, thanks for the read and the nits ; )

[fastfreddie]

Hi Oz,

Downloaded "Baptized." Will get to it soon... I promised mydoggeorge I'd read "Interfector" some time ago.

Derek

P.S. Love your title.

[fastfreddie]

oz,

I really enjoyed Baptized... I think it was a little slow out of the gate, but by pg. 40, she was at a full gallop and was a great pleasure to read.

I will have to say... this might be my first drama I've ever read... spec or produced. What I'm trying to say is... I may not be the most qualified... but I know a good story when I read one.

Here are my notes:

GENERAL COMMENTS:

POSITIVES:
1. Great dialogue: very real and dramatic.
2. Great tone/voice: I love your VOICE. Your timing with the asides are perfect. However, a few times it was redundant... please turn to pg. 7:

Sammi pouts when she finds out she isn't the first.

SAMMI
Well, poo.

The line "Well, poo" is a great line... it conveys her feelings... I would either lose the action line or rewrite it. As it is... it's redundant... and one less line that I have to read. There are a few other times throughout the SP this happens.

3. Ending: A great ending... very satisfying.

NEGATIVES:
1. Slow start

CONCEPT:
Two women, forced together for six weeks, struggle with a shared fear of being alone in very different ways, for very different reasons.

Straight forward concept. It's what you do with this concept that will make it stand out from the others... which it does.

CHARACTERS:
MARCIA: Great character... loved her arc. It was real... 'cause she still had some feistiness to her.
NATALIE: Best character in the story. Loved her. A rich, deep and multi-dimensional character.

DIALOGUE: Excellent... I actually caught myself completely engrossed in the dramatic scenes... it felt like I wasn't reading a screenplay.

PACING: The pacing was good... after it got going... by page 40.

PAGE BY PAGE: (some nit-picky):

pg. 9:

MARICA
Soul food from Emeril... Marica... misspelled: should be MARCIA (you need to go into the CHARACTERS TAB and change this throughout the SP)
... you Nazi dog hunter... funny line.

also...

Marcia sits with DIANE REMEREZ, early 50s, home health care... forgot comma between: 50s, home.

NOTE: I think the scene with Diane and Natalie could get a haircut... maybe a trim. It's over 3 pgs. long... some of it backstory I don't think we need to know.

ANOTHER NOTE: The search is starting to drag... pg. 16

pg. 17:

NATALIE
I know it's spelled like Nat A Lie,
but it's just Natalie.

With this great line... as a reader, I know I'm in good hands... I know Natalie is going to be a deep, complex character.

and then...

Marcia doesn't acknowledge the attempt at humor.

NATALIE
Or my friends call me Nat.

A bit intimidated... Natalie backtracks... as her character would. Also, the line: Or my friends call me Nat. A simply line... but an important line later on.

I'm starting to get sucked into the story.

pg. 19:

MARCIA
... he's about due so I
hope you can use a clippers... that sounds weird.

ANOTHER NOTE: It's starting to pick up steam... pg. 28.

ANOTHER NOTE: An observation:

NATALIE
Oh! I'll bet it's the not being
black thing. But don't worry, I've
got that covered.

also...

A picture in the hallway of Natalie, a black woman Natalie's
age and a young, red headed...

Okay. I understand where this is going... I like the fact that you don't hit me over the head with it... you let me connect the dots... you give the reader/audience some credit.

However, and this is just an observation... In Mike Scherer's SP: SWF is SWM, you made a note about Ricky and THAT corner and adding something to make it more clear... and it's a valid point... and yet I find that most people would have trouble connecting Natalie's back story. It's interesting how two people can read the same scenes and visualize it so differently.

pg. 38: There's that MARICA again.

also...

The nurse calls Marcia's name.

NURSE
Mrs. Jackson?

I know, you know, where I'm going with this... another line I don't have to read.

ANOTHER NOTE: It's at this point, the story is at full gallop... and it never lets up.

ANOTHER NOTE: The scene where Natalie confronts Marcia about not knowing anything about her (pg. 46)... great timing... very powerful. I loved the dialogue.

pg. 51:

Marcia holds the two speeding tickets... Funny visual.

ANOTHER NOTE: I think the bad driving is a little over the top.

also...

MARCIA
Damn it, Nat!

Natalie smiles at Marcia.

NATALIE
You called me Nat!

Nice pay-off.

pg. 52:

MARCIA
You. Stay here and try not to kill
anyone... Funny line.

ANOTHER NOTE: I think the transition from:

The clippers purr to life...

TO

INT. MARCIA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Roy walks out of the shower... might be too jarring or confusing? Might be asking too much of the reader/audience to catch up in-between scenes... just my opinion.

ANOTHER NOTE: I'm not crazy about the (V.O.) on pg. 63. It sounds expository... like when movies try to deliver info. via answering machines or the TV news. It lacks any real drama. The whole time Natalie is worried about getting fired... and when she does... it's via V.O.?

ANOTHER NOTE: I'm not too crazy about Natalie trying to kill herself... I understand the scene, but...

ANOTHER NOTE: I love Pastor Jones. Wonderfully written... a beautiful message... a preacher who didn't come off too preachy... and as I said before... I love the title: Baptized in Dirty Water.

ANOTHER NOTE: It's official... I'm not digging the bad driver angle. If she's this bad of a driver... she never would have seen her eighteenth birthday.

pg. 77:

Marcia shocks at being spoken to in such a manner... that sounds weird (shocks).

ANOTHER NOTE: Another powerful scene... when Natalie finally discloses why she can't handle being in her house.

ANOTHER NOTE: The V.O. again (pg. 80-81) Maybe it's me... Is this technique used in dramas a lot?

ANOTHER NOTE: I loved the flower exchange... nice touch... and funny, too.

ANOTHER NOTE: I'm not crazy with Natalie punching Tonya. It's a little bit of Hollywood I guess, but...

ANOTHER NOTE: I loved the John Edward scene.

ANOTHER NOTE: Momma Cass is a weird and maybe an obscure or dated reference... or I'm confusing this person with someone else.

pg. 93:

Natalie nods her head violently... odd choice of a word (violently). I would try another... plus, you've used the word 'violently' a few times throughout the SP.

also...

MARCIA
What are you talking about? Keep
tin? I don't got papers. I think it should be: Keep the tin?

ANOTHER NOTE: I like the scene where James and Emily receive the mailer... however, shouldn't the tin be included... I think if the kids actually opened the tin and could touch and feel the contents.. it might have a bigger impact... then just having Marcia hold the tin up in the video.

pg. 95:

MARCIA
... I'm paying for them
and if I hadn'tve fired you... Is that right (hadn'tve)?

ANOTHER NOTE: I loved the fudging of the time cards... it's perfect.

oz,

I thoroughly enjoyed Baptized. I feel like I was out of my element (genre), so I hope you accept my notes with that in mind.

Derek

[oz]

Thanks so much, Derek. For both your time and the great notes. It helps tremendously when fresh eyes catch things that we miss. I'm happy you enjoyed it : )

[LF]

Hello, I'm not the most experienced writer/reader, so yeah, take my notes with that in mind.

Page 1 - I'm at page 9 now, and this opening feels like backstory. But I'm going to trust you and hope that it's setting up for something.

Page 2 - After "Knowing glances between the flexible classmates. Legs fly up and over heads." add "Marcia sets her face." or something to that effect. Then cut to the next scene "EXT. GOLD'S GYM - DAY." Me thinks that will be funnier.

Page 9 - I've laughed again

Page 12 - the "INT. DIANA REMERIZ'S OFFICE - DAY" scene is primarily exposition. It all feels like distinct voices, but I think you could cut a lot here.

Page 15 - "INT. JACKSON HOME - DAY" Natalie doesn't seem quite consistent in your description of her from the previous scene. The nervousness is there but the impression I got of her from the previous scene had her more depressed and layabout without even a hint of this sudden positive energy.

Page 18 - "Oh! I'll bet it's the not being black thing. But don't worry, I've got that covered." - LOL. But, I don't get how she's got it covered. Did I miss something?


I'm on Page 34 now, and I feel like Marcia has been one note for fifteen - twenty pages and Natalie has reacted like she has to, but it is also the same note. Can you shorten or give some variety to how the people are behaving?


I'm on Page 67 now and its cool. I gotta stop for now, but I'll try to get in the rest of it and some overall thoughts in later.

-L

[LF]

Hello again Donna,

I finished your script! Nice work. I really like how distinct the two characters are and you write confidently.

Now, onto my notes. I think two places need some clarification. First, the final firing. I didn't realize that she was actually fired until the VO kicked in. Because Nat had been fired so many times before, this felt like a repeat of that. If you could clarify the severity of the offense (in Marcia's eyes), I think this would help me.

Second, the tin can containing valuable things. Maybe I read too fast? I didn't realize that what was in the can was valuable.

Which actually brings up something that confused things for me: how the characters learned that final, vital information. The whole time, I expected the psychic to be fake. But apparently, he's not? So if not, I think you should spend a tiny bit more time showing the effects of this on the characters, in addition to the reactions to what he's saying. Maybe Marcia would say something like "Holy shit you aren't fake," which might be funny contrasted with her earlier sentiments.

I really like the end by the way. Marcia has something to do and Nat has gotten over her demons.


Good luck on w/e is next!
-L

[oz]

Thanks for the read and the terrific notes, LF.

And this is a great example of how reading each others' work helps us. You're now the third person who mentions the firing doesn't work as a V.O. (people outside this site have read it, too). That tells me I really need to rework that ; )

Thanks, again. Every time I get notes I get closer to being done with this one!

[LF]

Hey Donna,

I had a couple more thoughts. Take em or leave em as always

I think the neighbor should appear more. She appears early on and seems to be a significant part of the story. In her casserole delivery scene, I thought she was going to be the caretaker, so if you don't like that effect, you could change that scene's placement or its tone.

Maybe the neighbor can be an antagonistic force/someone for Nat and Marcia to bond over. And perhaps her appearance can help relieve some of the repetition I felt earlier? Maybe she should be part of some subplot?

Ok I think that's it haha.

Good luck,
-L

[oz]

You're giving me lots of good food for thought, lf : ) This post, too, will be printed out and given great consideration when I hit the rewrite. Love it when you all put so much thought into it!

Thanks a bunch. : )

[j biz]

Sorry to be the devils advocate here, Donna.

I had to put it down by page 6.

Nothing grabbed me in the first 1-5 pages which the most important. I skimmed through the rest, and read some brief portions. Here's an example:

NATALIE
No, I mean what's next, after you
recover? The kids are out on their
own and Roy's gone a lot. What's
the next chapter for you?

After the first sentence you can take out the rest. Read some T. Williams, Atwood, Edward Albee, Stoppard's Arcadia - I mention three playwrights because characters need depth, especially scripts with two main leads. Hopefully you've read the authors already.

[oz]

That's okay, biz. Not everything's everyone's cup of tea. Appreciate the read---partial or not : )

Won't let you knock Natalie's line, though. She's a rambler. Nervous energy. Can't just thumb through and tell me one piece of dialogue doesn't work if you don't know my character! ; )

Thanks again, though. I appreciate any fresh eyes anytime.

Come back again and join us anytime.