Post by piotrp on Jul 15, 2010 13:47:47 GMT -5
Donna (I'm going to call you that instead of using your screen-name),
You gave me some valuable feedback on the several pages I posted here and I
promised I'd read some of your stuff, so here it is.
Before I sat down to read you screenplay, I was convinced that the theme of my
mini-review here, if you will, would be "Not my cup of tea".
Truth is, it isn't my cup of tea. I like films like the Dark Knight, Kill Bill,
Silence of the Lambs, etc. So this is not the kind of story that I would normally
pay too much attention to.
I say normally, because the script fucking blew me away! First, I loved, loved,
LOVED what a nice, clean read it was, save for a couple of slight confusions, which
I address below. I loved how every time throughout the script when I thought "wow,
I'm not sure the story should've gone in that direction" you did something to pay
off and justify the element of the story I had not been sure about.
I do still have some minor notes and observations, so I'll lay 'em out here.
PG. 2
A typo at the top of the page - 'Marica'. The same typo is on page PG. 39.
PG. 9
The script tells you the woman's name is DIANE REMEREZ, but then PG. 12 mentions
'DIANE REMERIZ'S OFFICE'.
PG. 27.
Natalie says: 'I don't do drugs. What are you talking about.' I recommend that you
cut out this bit of dialogue altogether. Maybe use something a description instead
- something like 'Natalie's eyes go wide; she can't believe what she's hearing.'
I say this because what Marcia says immediately before Natalie's line is funny, but
Natalie's words lessen the impact by explaining the joke to the reader. We get what
Marcia is implying anyway!
PG. 33.
The description paragraph near the top of the page says: 'Jossie asks for 'Marsha',
not Mar-cee-a. Don't explain the joke to us! We will have remembered the
Marsha/Marceea exchange between the two women from before!
PG. 33. LATER.
The whole 'Oh, come one. It's not a big deal...' line from Natalie cheapens the
whole Marsha/Marceea joke a bit. I'd suggest modifying it this way: 'Oh, come on.
It's not that big a deal. Some of my friends changed the spelling...' and break it
off there. That it way, it's shorter and it explains the joke in a good way,
without overkill.
PG. 34.
Before I finished the script, I made the following note: 'Perhaps have Marcia
indicate fewer hours on the timesheet than Natalie actually worked out of spite? It
would elevate the conflict.' But now, I'm not so sure about this.
PG. 37.
First it's 'Mom', then it's 'mom'.
PG. 40.
Just a minor pet-peeve. You might wanna change the name ANDY SORENSON to another
name, 'cause it immediately makes me think of the character from NYPD Blue I'm
just joking here.
PG. 41.
Change 'If the camera wouldn't have died' to 'If the camera hadn't died...'
PG. 52.
Natalie says: 'You called me Nat!'I would drop this. We will have remembered
Natalie mentioning that her friends call her 'Nat' from before. We will have
recognised this transformation without it being spelled out for us.
PG. 72.
I think it should be 'crescendoes' and not 'crescendos'. The latter makes me think
of the plural form of crescendo, as opposed to the verb which it's supposed to be.
PG. 85.
Towards the top of the page. 'Perimeter', not 'Parameter'.
PG. 95.
'Hadn'tve' is incorrect. It should be, 'If I hand't fired you....'.
Well, that's it from me, sports fans...I mean, Donna. Again, loved the story, the
characters and the heart in your script. I'm captivated and I salute, but I also
need to think more about it.
I hope these notes help at least a tiny bit.
You gave me some valuable feedback on the several pages I posted here and I
promised I'd read some of your stuff, so here it is.
Before I sat down to read you screenplay, I was convinced that the theme of my
mini-review here, if you will, would be "Not my cup of tea".
Truth is, it isn't my cup of tea. I like films like the Dark Knight, Kill Bill,
Silence of the Lambs, etc. So this is not the kind of story that I would normally
pay too much attention to.
I say normally, because the script fucking blew me away! First, I loved, loved,
LOVED what a nice, clean read it was, save for a couple of slight confusions, which
I address below. I loved how every time throughout the script when I thought "wow,
I'm not sure the story should've gone in that direction" you did something to pay
off and justify the element of the story I had not been sure about.
I do still have some minor notes and observations, so I'll lay 'em out here.
PG. 2
A typo at the top of the page - 'Marica'. The same typo is on page PG. 39.
PG. 9
The script tells you the woman's name is DIANE REMEREZ, but then PG. 12 mentions
'DIANE REMERIZ'S OFFICE'.
PG. 27.
Natalie says: 'I don't do drugs. What are you talking about.' I recommend that you
cut out this bit of dialogue altogether. Maybe use something a description instead
- something like 'Natalie's eyes go wide; she can't believe what she's hearing.'
I say this because what Marcia says immediately before Natalie's line is funny, but
Natalie's words lessen the impact by explaining the joke to the reader. We get what
Marcia is implying anyway!
PG. 33.
The description paragraph near the top of the page says: 'Jossie asks for 'Marsha',
not Mar-cee-a. Don't explain the joke to us! We will have remembered the
Marsha/Marceea exchange between the two women from before!
PG. 33. LATER.
The whole 'Oh, come one. It's not a big deal...' line from Natalie cheapens the
whole Marsha/Marceea joke a bit. I'd suggest modifying it this way: 'Oh, come on.
It's not that big a deal. Some of my friends changed the spelling...' and break it
off there. That it way, it's shorter and it explains the joke in a good way,
without overkill.
PG. 34.
Before I finished the script, I made the following note: 'Perhaps have Marcia
indicate fewer hours on the timesheet than Natalie actually worked out of spite? It
would elevate the conflict.' But now, I'm not so sure about this.
PG. 37.
First it's 'Mom', then it's 'mom'.
PG. 40.
Just a minor pet-peeve. You might wanna change the name ANDY SORENSON to another
name, 'cause it immediately makes me think of the character from NYPD Blue I'm
just joking here.
PG. 41.
Change 'If the camera wouldn't have died' to 'If the camera hadn't died...'
PG. 52.
Natalie says: 'You called me Nat!'I would drop this. We will have remembered
Natalie mentioning that her friends call her 'Nat' from before. We will have
recognised this transformation without it being spelled out for us.
PG. 72.
I think it should be 'crescendoes' and not 'crescendos'. The latter makes me think
of the plural form of crescendo, as opposed to the verb which it's supposed to be.
PG. 85.
Towards the top of the page. 'Perimeter', not 'Parameter'.
PG. 95.
'Hadn'tve' is incorrect. It should be, 'If I hand't fired you....'.
Well, that's it from me, sports fans...I mean, Donna. Again, loved the story, the
characters and the heart in your script. I'm captivated and I salute, but I also
need to think more about it.
I hope these notes help at least a tiny bit.