|
Post by mscherer on May 4, 2010 6:47:38 GMT -5
Stephen,
All good points -- I really appreciate you taking the time to read.
This script is a work in progress (2nd draft, give or take) and when I have the time, I will polish as best I can.
Thanks again for the read and,
Keep Writing!
|
|
|
Post by rachelbk on May 6, 2010 15:54:16 GMT -5
Thanks for sharing NO ROAD TO FORTUNE. It was a fast, fun read and, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I was impressed by your talent for quick description. I’m into the combination of romantic comedy and thriller/mystery – it might be a harder sell commercially than something more straightforward but, as a viewer, I find complexity much more fulfilling than a run-and-gun thriller or a basic RomCom. You do a nice job weaving in several threads of tension, including Damien’s drug habit/debts and the (very convincing) confusion about what’s really going on with Brian.
I think you’ve got a solid draft here that needs fleshing out and fine-tuning – the good news is that you have lots of room to work with, particularly if you can trim up some of the heavier scenes. I’m guessing you’re good at self-editing because the script is fairly tight, even at this stage of the game. Congrats!
Primary Plot/Character Issues:
Katie: I believe in Katie’s goodness, her sass, and her street smarts. One nagging question in my mind: as someone from a family of physicians, I wonder why she would go through the time/money/effort of becoming a doctor if she “hates” it? I’d like more of this backstory – perhaps she was an idealist who always wanted to be a doctor but, after med school, something happened that soured her to the profession? Something related to Colin (or another family member) could be a cool twist. I’m not suggesting flashbacks, just some reveals. Maybe she became a doctor because she had a brother who was sick/dying and she wanted to “save” him? And maybe he died – thru some fault of the hospital or physician treating him? Just some crazy ideas I’m throwing out. I think you take a step in the right direction with the whole abortion thing but I’d like to see her rounded out.
Damien: I found him rather one-dimensional. Why would *anyone* would want to date him? Can we have a short moment that shows his good side – or, at least a hint that he once had a good side?
Marcus: I think an additional scene that shows his “turn” could help. He’s been beaten down his *whole life* by Damien and I want to see more about why this time is different. There’s Katie, but she’s not enough. Maybe Peter wants to retire and offers to sell Marcus the gallery if he can raise the cash. A now or never kind of thing. A little more incentive could help increase his arc.
I like Jeff(rey). You’ve got him pegged.
I *love* the Katie twist – I really didn’t see it coming. But… The impact could be much stronger if we felt more of a connection between her and Marcus. I’d like to see more of their innate sexual chemistry. Also, I think you give too much away during her conversation with Damien on (pg 35-36) about her brother. I knew right away her brother must be Colin.
You love a “--.” I think this works really well in certain situations, particularly action sequences. For example, they work well on pg. 36 “hits a key –- paper spits out” or on page 42 “steps closer – examines a print” and on pg. 50 “thumbs through the pages – stops.” But, for me, they were often distracting. For example, on pg. 27, the “—“ appears 4 times. In most of those cases, a conjunction or a comma could be more effective. Or on pg 29, “Damien turns – leaves” could simply be “Damien exits.”
Other specific thoughts (sorry if someone has already caught these, I didn’t spend much time reading the other critiques):
Pg. 36 – Should be “Facebook” and “MySpace” (one word, not two).
Pg. 37 – “Say it.” (Jeff) instead of “Tell me.”
Pg. 39 – “struggles with the two bags” – great illustration of why Damien is such an asshole.
Pg. 52 – I’m not buying Marcus’s excuse for using the wrong film – I assumed he was at the lake to shoot pictures and happened upon the boat. Wouldn’t he have the right film in his camera? But maybe I read it wrong.
Pg. 56 – Damian’s phone call – giving too much away?
Pg. 56 – “tosses it toward the waste basket -- misses.” – great!
Pg. 59 – Damien won’t “allow” Katie to settle? Since when does the attorney make the final call? Marcus knows better. This excuse rings false.
I didn’t do a close line edit because I know you’re still in the middle of revising. I think there are a number of scenes that can be trimmed a line or two and I did notice several moments in dialogue that look like they got muddled during a previous edit (for example, pg. 64 “An honorably discharged vet who lost his family in a tragic accident who lost everything worth living for?”). I suspect that when you read the script again with fresh eyes, the edits will be obvious to you.
Hope this helps. I’m happy to read the next version of this if you want my feedback again.
|
|
|
Post by mscherer on May 6, 2010 18:02:11 GMT -5
Rachel,
Thank you -- thank you -- thank you.
There's those pesky '--' again ;D
Seriously, your input is greatly appreciated and your suggestions will be put to good use.
Keep Writing!
|
|