No Road To Fortune

[mscherer]

Ok, here is my sacrificial lamb -- be gentle with her as she is still a work in progress

Logline: An ambulance-chasing lawyer lands a malpractice case worth millions only to learn he is up against the best lawyer in the state – his older brother.

Awh, what the heck! Rip her apart! I look forward to your feedback.

Keep Writing!

Attachments:

[echenry]

SOLID STORY, Mike Sherer. Really reminded me of something John Grisham would come up with. This movie of yours is way better than the logline you provided; you should definately work on formulating a better logline...

The best parts of this story are:
* Good plot points throughout. Balance of revealing evidence of the conspiracy and escalating tensions are very well thought out.
* Damien character really works, especially early on.
* Scenes end at the right time, before they start getting boring. What I'm trying to say is: you have good instincts for where to end you scenes, Mike.

Other good stuff:
1) Description of Colin. "An evil looking gnome."
2) Jeff works as Marcus' sidekick.
3) Perfect balance of total number of major characters. Not so many that I couldn't keep track of them all. Not so few that the story lacked intrigue. IF you draft on, I suggest you just deepen what you've already got.

Form choice clarification sought:
Having read a couple of your scripts now. One tripping point I have is in your line of descriptions you like the dash [ -- ] a lot. Why? What purpose does it serve? NOT knowing what purpose it serves I just pretended every time I saw [ -- ] I just mentally substituted a period, and pretended to be reading short sentences.

Areas for improvement
1) Unbelievable action. Page 67 in a line of description: "Flames shoot out from the ignition -- burn Damien's hand."

2) Mis-formated change from an exterior location seen through a character's point-of-view to an interior location. Page 83 in script:

Jeff's POV: Marcus cross the street -- enters the

EMERALD LOUNGE

E.C. suggests:

Jeff watches Marcus cross the street... and enter through the main doors.

INT. EMERALD LOUNGE

3) Voice over narration cue needed. Page 41.

E.C. suggests:

KATIE (V.O.)
(off phone's receiver)
xxxxx

4) Moving shot not called out. Page 81.

E.C. suggests:

INT. BRIAN'S VAN (MOVING)

Why (MOVING)? Well-p, the van is moving, hence the scenery seen though the windows will appear to be moving.

5) Poor introduction of supporting characters. Page 29. I would definitely change how FIREPLUG and the other one of Colin's henchmen are introduced.

E.C. suggests:

Colin's two muscle-men step INTO VIEW from behind the Volkswagen. REDWOOD: tall and thick. FIREPLUG: short and stocky.

6a) Jarring, uncommon word, "idomitable." Page 36. YES, this is a valid word; it means incapable of being overcome. But idomitable is also a very uncommon word. I found it jarring; like what is he really saying. It's not funny. It's not cute. And I think you'd be better served choosing a different word or phrase.

6b) Ditto that with mustachio. Page 25. In a line of description:

Mustachioed bartender glares at Marcus -- walks off.

E.C. suggests:

A bartender with a fancy mustache glares at Marcus. Then walks off.

7) Poor choice of words. Page 29. Damien has just left the diner now appears outside, yet the first sentence in description is "Damien exits --" In script:

EXT. CUP-A-JOE DINER

Damien exits --

E.C. suggests:

Damien ARRIVES outside. Deep breath. Down come the designer shakes. A smile, as Damien's confidence returns.

Minor changes: mis-spelling, verb tense, mis-capitalization
Page 64: "your dishonorable discharge" not "you're dishonorable discharge." Page 66: "shortcomings" not "short comings." Page 73: "INT. DAMIEN'S OFFICE - DAY" not "INT.DAMIENS'S OFFICE - DAY. Page 82: "makes a U-turn" not "make a U-turn," "heads back to town" not "head back to town." Page 52: no need to capitalize Truth in lines of dialog, "Your duty is to the Truth."


All-in-all VERY GOOD job, sir. The Damien charter reminded me of Patrick Warburton, who plays Jeff Bigham of CBS' "Rules of Engagement." If I were you, he's a guy you might wanna approach, and try to get attached as an element. When reading this script, Patrick Warburton was really on my mind every time Damien spoke.

Thanks for the great read.

- E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA

[mscherer]

E.C.,

As always, thanks for taking the time to read my script – much appreciated. Yup! Used those damn dashes again didn’t I? ;D It all started while rewriting BOOMSLANG with the help of a professional screenwriter. He suggested using them to tie sentence fragments together and have the description flow. I don’t know, maybe I over did it. But, it is now part of my style of writing and always will be.

As for your: AREAS OF IMPROVEMENT – thanks for the input. I will revisit those pages when time allows. Right now NRTF is on the back burner. Today I am beginning research for yet another screenplay based on the Prometheus Mythology – can’t wait.

I am happy you enjoyed the read and I thank you for your kind words. I would love to read one of your scripts. Please post soon.

Thanks again and,
Keep Writing!

p.s. - you're right about the logline. now that you have read the script any suggestions?

[janienj]

Hey Mike,
I woke up to about a half of foot of snow and now have your script in front of me so will have some feedback soon.

E.C.,
Once again, kudos on the feedback. Seriously, you should start getting paid for your analytical prowess. My lowly 1st act is beckoning your name in the Entire Acts section if you care to take a look ("A Hero Never Dies"). Okay, okay so I am blowing a little smoke up your ass hoping someone will take a read for no cost, but a girl's gotta try. Mike's notes on my pages scared everyone off.

He he...thank you!!! ;D
Janie

[echenry]

I'll try to read "A Hero Never Dies" later tonight.

Don't know if you've ever paid for and gotten professional feedback, but they do a WAY BETTER job than I do. I miss a lot of stuff that they don't. What I'm getting at is: feedback you receive here at the GITS Club doesn't necessarily mean your script wouldn't benefit from the eyes of those connected in the industry.

Thanks for the love. You are a very sweet person, janieng. Why if you were a candy bar in the grocery store I'd sooo pick you over a Snickers.

- E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA

[justhiltz]

Mike a great job! I liked it and read it in one sitting. I had no problem envisioning the sequences and it had some very well thought out moments. I would do this as an indie with REAL Brothers like Luke and Owen Wilson. I had them in mind as I read it and it really worked for me. Hell I'd make it myself if I had the dough!!
Everyone else brought out the salient errors but they all are not against the basic structure of the piece.
I also really liked the way you maintained the VOICE of the narration...if you made a mistake in one place...you made it again later and I wrote that off to VOICE. Your voice and I had not a problem with continuing.
Toward the end you made more formatting errors in the action sequences, but even there I knew what you were saying and just shrugged it off so I could get to the payoff.
I did know for some reason that Kate was Colin's sister and I even went back to check the names.
If I would do anything I would add more strokes to Kate. She could be a very meaty part for an actor.

I look forward to reading more of your work!
Best Regards,

Steve

[mscherer]

Steve,

Thanks for taking the time to read NRTF – gotta change that title – much appreciated.

It would be a great help if you could point out the areas you noted:

‘…...if you made a mistake in one place...you made it again later and I wrote that off to VOICE.’

You never know, I may have an issue that needs to be resolved.

Same goes for

‘Toward the end you made more formatting errors in the action sequences, but even there I knew what you were saying and just shrugged it off so I could get to the payoff.’

Want to improve when and where I can.

Thanks again and,
Keep Writing!

[janienj]

Hey Mike,
I just finished your draft and, well, really enjoyed it. The pages flowed and you have a clear, distinct style and voice in your narration. On that note, I was surprised and intrigued in your use secondary slug lines to jump scenes. I am guessing this is the new style format, but it totally works. Some nice surprises too at the end. You have a good solid piece here. I caught a few typos here and there and remember that the period always goes inside the quotes not out. Terrific draft!

Janie

[mscherer]

janienj,

Thanks for reading NRTF and I am happy you enjoyed it.
Typos are tough for me to find -- can't see the forest for the trees kind of thing

Thanks again and,
Keep Writing!

[echomusic]

Mike

Just finished it.

WHAT I LIKED/LOVED:

The Peter/Marcus relationship. The outside voice of reason for the protagonist.
Jeff. I like how he gets his own subplot and how it ties back in to the rest of the story.


WHAT I THOUGHT NEEDED WORK

It moved fast. Almost too fast and I personally wanted a little more set up with Marcus and his ambulance-chasing ways. I know we had that opening scene with the EMS worker, but I just wanted to know a little more about this guy and his practice.

I thought Damien walked the fine line of character and caricature. I have a tendency to read scripts from an actor’s point of view and looking at the role, I wasn’t sure what could be brought to it while staying in the confines of the writing. I love the idea of brother’s up against one another in the court room -- and that there’s this bigger scam going on. It just seemed at times that Marcus had more depth to him and Damien was just something we’d seen a bunch of times. Once again, just my opinion.

At the end you switched format to the standard spacing to the Dan O’Bannon / Wall*E style for the action pieces. I’m not a format Nazi, I’m all for telling the story in the most interesting way as possible. For some reason it distracted me. Just sayin’.


Had an idea re: Marcus’ pictures. What if the pictures he takes that people seem to like are of the accidents he wants to cover. Not necessarily the victims, but maybe he sees a crushed fender or a cracked windshield as a thing of beauty and his pictures show that.

Just an idea.

Great story here that I think needs a bit of fine-tuning and you are good as gold.

Keep at it! Can’t wait to see what you have for us next!

Erin

[dwight]

Hey Mike. Figured I'd give your first sacrificial lamb a read.

And I must say. Well done, read great, did it in one sitting. Everything structured perfectly, I was able to follow all the characters, what was at stake, and the twists kept me in the story. Definitely a solid story here.

As I was read, I was kind of looking to place it in a genre. Right now it feels like a comedic mystery. I was also trying to place a face with Marcus, as a lead he seemed more to have the 'normal guy' having everything happening to him image. Which is fine. But at the scene at the tennis court I totally started picturing him as the younger Chevy Chase from the movie 'Fletch' (from the country club/resort scene). So once that happened i started to thirst for more comedy and pranks within the lines with the brother and jeff. But if he was the witty, humorous Fletch, then he wouldn't necessarily be stuck at 2nd best like he always seems to be (so possibly too big of a flip). So more humor and back n' forths between the brothers, and jeff was a thought.

The second thing was I felt you could build up was the Katie - Marcus moments/relationship. Like a kiss or even a riskay night of passion. Something that builds an attraction, but turns over in the end when all is revealed.

All in all, everything read fine and the story is solid. Thanks for posting this!


that image... hehe...

[mscherer]

Peter,

Thanks for reading.

Yup, pretty much a work in progress. Started out as a Rom-Com and quickly switched gears. I let the characters take me where they wanted to go and ended up with a mystery/thriller kind'a script.

I agree totally about adding more humor and when I get the time to revisit, I will see to it there are more quips and jokes.

Thanks again and,

Keep Writing!

[rachelbk]

Just wanted to let you know that I'm reading NO ROAD TO FORTUNE (on page 28) but it's taking me longer than I'd hoped (not because of a fault with the script - the pages turn but I had a busier weekend than I anticipated). Looks like you've put this aside to work on another project so I'm assuming that a less-timely read is OK.

Enjoying the pacing thus far and love some of your character/scene descriptions - you have a real talent for short, precise (and vivid) description. For example, pg. 3: "Beautiful Blond sits next to Damien. Real close." That "real close" just captures it! Pg. 5: "Jeff Green, thirty going on twelve" or pg. 20 "Captain Kangaroo in a designer suit."

I'll post my thoughts after the full read - it might be the end of the week.

[mscherer]

Rachel,

Thanks for the kind words. Look forward to your full critique, and you are correct -- no hurry.

Keep Writing!

[stephen guest]

Hey Mike

WHAT I LIKED

Brothers make strong conflict, especially the younger-older, good-bad set-up.

MY POV

The story needs density and characterization.

There’s no romance - just a bit of ‘maybe if’ between Marcus and Katie. Flesh makes a thriller sizzle. Get Marcus and Katie together.

Katie’s past is wasted – especially the three girls she fixed. Have Jeff find and confront one of them – maybe the daughter of a Senator, televangelist or a heavily-endorsed sports star.

Katie can be much more – in the end she’s just a loser - with a loser brother. She needs complexity and goodness. Maybe she was coerced into the sting by Colin, and she escapes with the loot for another ending (the present one is pretty flat).

Damien’s one dimensional. Slick-dick lawyer are usually dicks but they usually have something which makes them unique. Give Damien a talent or interest which attracts people to him – something that makes him likable and fun to be around – even his brother.

Marcus. He’s pretty generic, with no real colour besides taking a few snaps. He has no fault-line that he’s forced to confront. All he does is stand around and complain about how Damien is better than him. They’re brothers – make use of it. Why are they different, rivals? Go back into their past, flesh out their upbringing.

Colin – the script hardly mentions him but he’s a key player in the set-up. As an Irishman and mobster, Colin could be a colourful character. Give him an accent, attitude and let him take the piss out of a slick-dick American lawyer.

A lot of dialogue is on the nose as well but sharper characters sharpen dialogue.

Good luck.