Soup Kitchen

[bornstoryteller]

The lives of a homeless man and his family are threatened when Fremantle's Mayor acts to rid the city of homeless people. Suspected for the the murder of a young homeless woman, he fights to clear his name and bring the real perpetrator to justice, and in the process comes face to face with the demons of his past and an opportunity to reclaim his life.

[NOTE: Fremantle = Port city of Western Australia]

[mscherer]

Bornstoryteller,

First, your logline is way too wordy -- but I think you already knew that. Simplify.

Second, what is the hero’s flaw? Describing him as Fremantle’s Mayor is a little weak. Needs a flaw, like loner, or bitter, or pushy -- I think you get the idea.

Finally, the stakes are rather ho-hum: ‘...comes face to face with the demons of his past...’. Give the audience something to root for. Maybe he needs to face his demons to save his marriage; or reconcile with a child; or save the city from a serial killer. Something.

By simplifying your logline I came up with this:

Accused of murdering a young homeless woman, Fremantle's overbearing Mayor struggles to bring the real perpetrator to justice, and in the process must fight his demons, reclaim his life and save his city.

33 words -vs- 66 -- simplify!

One man’s opinion; mileage may vary; batteries not included.

[bornstoryteller]

You misread it.

When a Mayor moves to rid the city of homeless people, a homeless man is suspected of murdering a young homeless woman, and in his fight to clear his name faces an opportunity to reclaim his life.

[mscherer]

Bornstoryteller,

Actually, I interpreted your logline they way it was written. The pronoun HE in the second sentence references the last proper noun in the leading sentence: Fremantle’s Mayor.

The lives of a homeless man and his family are threatened when Fremantle's Mayor acts to rid the city of homeless people. Suspected for the the murder of a young homeless woman, he fights to clear his name and bring the real perpetrator to justice, and in the process comes face to face with the demons of his past and an opportunity to reclaim his life.

Now, I’m not out to start a brouhaha over who is right, who is wrong, but it is important that, when you send out your logline, there is absolutely no ambiguity. If I had been a producer reading your logline I would – and did – get the protagonist wrong, which completely changes the story.

Good luck with your project and always,

Keep Writing!

[bornstoryteller]

I'm sorry, you actually misread it.

The subject of the opening sentence is the homeless man; the 'he' in the second sentence retains the subject. The subject does not change to the 'last mentioned', it remains with the subject.

In order to change the subject to the Mayor in the second sentence, I would need to either say, 'The Mayor', or create a single sentence with either 'and' or 'who' as a conjunction.

However, I concede that, as you misread it, others may possibly misread it also and therefore it needed more clarity. So, thank you for pointing out the possible confusion.

Cheers.

[mscherer]

Okay, here we go -- didn't want to get into this, but you have forced my hand:

From the Towson University web site:

Usage - Pronoun Reference
A pronoun is a word used to stand for (or take the place of) a noun.
A pronoun should refer clearly to one, clear, unmistakable noun coming before the pronoun. This noun is called the pronoun’s antecedent.
Unfortunately, it is very easy to create a sentence that uses a pronoun WITHOUT a clear, unmistakable noun antecedent.

Example:
The lives of a homeless man and his family are threatened when Fremantle's Mayor acts to rid the city of homeless people. Suspected for the the murder of a young homeless woman, he fights to clear his name and bring the real perpetrator to justice, and in the process comes face to face with the demons of his past and an opportunity to reclaim his life.

The pronoun he does not have a clear noun antecedent.

Such errors, called FAULTY or VAGUE PRONOUN REFERENCE, can confuse readers and obscure the intended meaning. Hope this helps.

Here's the link: www.towson.edu/ows/proref.htm

[bornstoryteller]

Okay.

[attatt]

Regardless of your ability to write in English, that logline is boring. Not only is it too wordy, but there is nothing interesting that situation. Maybe I am biased living in the San Francisco area and dealing with homeless issues all the time, but I think you need an additional element that makes this more than a mystery about a homeless guy and the mayor.