Having trouble w a logline

[zz]

TITLE: THE CATALYST

LOGLINE: A German Jew studying to be a doctor saves an enigmatic pyshics professor from the nazis during Kristallnacht and runs away to Rio to avoid prosecution (death), where he and a beautiful survivor track down the code to NUCLEAR FISSION, which the professor he saved, has left clues to solving.

Any help/questions/concerns/feedback positive or negative, I am looking forward to hearing from you. My goal is to make this even simpler.

Thanks Gang.

[mydoggeorge]

This is a tricky one.

A Jew in WWII Germany, saves a professor during bombing raids, avoids capture by the SS by running away to Rio.

The problems that I see right now is that - there are too many components involved in the story. I think the idea is to - Keep it simple.

Also you have two ideas storming around in that logline. 1. Nuclear Fission (Discovery - Desire for monetary gain or fame.) 2. Escaping (Desire to save one's life.)

Not sure if this helps. Hopefully someone else will chime in.

[mscherer]

ZZ,

I agree with mydoggeorge, there's way too much going on in this logline. I also agree that you need to simplify.

But, even though there is a lot going on in your logline, a couple of things are missing:
(1). Who is the antagonist?
(2). What are the stakes?

For #1, it would probably be someone inside the SS.
For #2, I assume it would be something along the lines of: ‘…before the Nazis can build an atomic bomb’.

All that said, here is my take on your story:

In 1938 Rio de Janeiro, a Jewish medical student struggles to stay one-step ahead of the SS while attempting to uncover and destroy documents that would allow Nazi Germany to build an atomic bomb.

Somewhat shorter (34 words –vs- 50 words) and, I believe, tells the same story. Of course, this is just one man’s opinion.

Keep Writing!

[zz]

Thanks for your responses. I tend to agree with you both.

You have both helped me remember a line from that "25 things you should know about storytelling," blog.

#15
Backstory in narrative — and, ultimately, exposition in general — is sometimes a grim necessity, but it is best to approach it like a lake of thin ice. Quick delicate steps across to get to the other side. Linger too long or grow heavy in the telling and the ice will crack and you will plunge into the frigid depths. And then you get hypothermia. And then you will be eaten by an Ice Hag. True story.



In my first draft, the back-story took up the entire first act. In my second, I hope it takes 15.

As far as the logline is concerned, I should change the logline to keep the backstory out of there entirely.

LOGLINE: Aided by a beautiful Holocaust survivor, an exiled German Jewish scientist races against Nazi spies in an attempt to uncover the nuclear code during Carnivale in Rio, 1942.

this feels more stream-lined, thoughts? Any and all?

And by the way, thank you Mscherer for all the work you do on this forum. I am trying to be as active as I can after a long dormant period.

Cheers,

Zz

[mscherer]

ZZ,

First, thank you for the kind words -- now that my personal life has settled down just a tad (the mother-in-law, the new home, etc) I can do a better job.

As for your new logline two things jump out immediately:
1. A beautiful Holocaust survivor
2. 1942

Would there be such a thing as a Holocaust survivor in 1942?

For my money she would more likely be a concentration camp escapee -- or maybe a resistance fighter.

Also, drop the reference to Carnivale -- just mention 1942 Rio de Janeiro.

Hope this helps and always,
Keep Writing!

[zz]

You're absolutely right about the 'escapee,' of it all, an unbelievable oversight on my part. Thank you for clarifying, and for the other suggestions.

[Deleted]

Mike is way better at loglines than I am, but I just wanted to mention that I think it is a very interesting concept. If you want notes on it or if you want an unbiased opinion, I would enjoy reading it.


Edit* Right after I finish Mike's notes for BAD PENNY