Donor

[mydoggeorge]

The title is a working title so it may change over time.

It's a drama piece and I just thought it would make a great movie. (If you like drama.)

Struggling trying to get all of the pieces into one sentence and not make it a freaking paragraph. See below for what I came up with.

Logline – A Corporate Hedge Fund CEO must come to grips with his own mortality when he’s placed on a waiting list for a heart transplant, all while his son that he pushed out of his life has just died in a plane crash; leaving behind a wife and daughter who desperately need to cling to something to get through the tumultuous time.

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks.

[mscherer]

Mark,

Has the makings of a good drama, but from the logline you provided, two things are missing:

1. an antagonist
2. stakes

Who or what stands in the way of your hero from comforting his daughter-in-law and grandchild?

What is the worst that could happen if he fails?

Without an antagonist (someone for the audience to hate) and without some serious stakes (something for the audience to root for), there really isn’t much of a story. Maybe you already know these things, but failed to include them in the logline – I hope so.

As for your logline as it exists today… it can be shortened as follows:

A dying Wall Street CEO must come to grips with his own mortality after his estranged son dies in a plane crash leaving behind a wife and daughter who desperately need his love.

Sixty-one (61) versus thirty-three (33) words. Shorter, but not better.

Good luck and keep us posted on your progress.

Keep Writing!

[mydoggeorge]

Hi Mike,
Makes sense. I have the antagonist - I'll just have to figure out a way to re-write with the antag in mind.

Pretty much wrote the outline this morning. Have to go back through it all once I get done with the current one I'm working on.

Thanks again for your input.

[brianhaas]

I think Mike is on the right track here. To be more specific, I think the problem really is that your central conflict is internal, not external. He struggles against... himself, in the end.

I think beyond finding an antagonist, you need to give your protag a goal outside of his own mind ("must come to grips"), preferably an external conflict that MIRRORS the internal.

It sounds like you have a theme and a situation, but not necessarily a whole story. What must this guy do in your story? What is his goal? What are the stakes? What is standing in his way?

I'm sure you've got these answers already, they just need to be in the logline.

[mydoggeorge]

brianhaas - You are correct. The character has an internal struggle, but also an external one which we'll learn early on. He's a shark after all and he has to be the strongest, so he ends up doing some unscrupulous things to make sure that he gets a donor. The problem is that he see's his wrong before this donor and now the world that becomes suddenly everything, collapses around him. He's got to pick up the pieces and figure it all out before his time expires.

Thanks guys for giving me the advice.