The Young Deliverer

[nickyneophyte]

Hello GITS members. I've been visiting this blog every day for over two years now. I have finally, albeit, reluctantly shedded my bashfulnsess. I'm ready to be proactive with my current narrative. I just reached the first act bend, and wanted to reach out and get some feedback on my logline from the highly respected GITS community. So, spare not the rod -- correction is good for this child. Let me know what you think?

Title: The Young Deliverer

Logline: Stricken with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and roused by the sudden voices of children in distress, a teenage hoop phenom reluctantly extinguishes child predators abroad.

Thanking you in advance for your critiques and insights.

[nickyneophyte]

Here's a revamped version.

A teenage hoop phenom stricken with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, is roused by the sudden voices of children in distress, reluctantly extinguishes child predators abroad, undermining his burgeoning hoop prospects.

Any suggestions?

[btstacks]

This is really difficult because there are so many questions about your logline. However, with the fuzzy information you've layed out, here's a shot.

Recovering from PTSD, a teenage basketball prodigy gives up his intended career to help protect children from a maniacal predator while backpacking through Europe.

or

While traveling abroad, a young hoops prodigy suffering from PTSD crosses paths with a homicidal predator preying on young children and vows to stop him.

or

While traveling abroad, a young hoops prodigy suffering from PTSD crosses paths with a homicidal predator preying on young children and vows to stop him, putting his basketball career and his own life in jeopardy.

Not sure if I got the gist of it, but I think that's most of the info you've given. Hope it helps.

BT

[mscherer]

Nickneophyte,

I think the word for the day should be SIMPLIFY! The description of the hero is way too complicated:
Stricken with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a teenage hoop phenom.

You do have a situation:
roused by the sudden voices of children, reluctantly extinguishes child predators abroad.

But what are the stakes? What happens to the hero if he can’t ‘…extinguish child predators abroad’?

Who is the antagonist? ‘child predators’ is way too generic. The audience needs a specific entity to hate.

Here would be my take on your logline:

A sexually abused teen tracks down his abuser after learning the man has escaped prison after vowing to take revenge on the teen’s younger sister.

Not great, but I think you get the idea.

Keep Writing!

[escarondito]

There is so much in here that there is too much. 1) He's a phenom.
2) he has PTSD 3) He hears child voices 4) He becomes an avenger?

Is it a sports story, a war story, a ghost story, or a revenge story. My mind just created 4 different feature length films form one sentence. He could be a phenom, but don't tell me about it if it means nothign to the story.

Same with the PTSD.

A students hoop dreams are sidelined when he becomes able to hear kidnapped children's anguished screams and sets out to find them.

I don't know your story but you see how that blossoms in your mind a little better?