Still working through this one.

[Deleted]

Tentative Title: Moobs

A young college freshman participates in a crazy radio show stunt to earn enough money so he can get a breast reduction surgery in time to go on a date with the hottest girl on campus.


Lame idea? Lame logline?

[joea]

May 11, 2011 14:23:59 GMT -5 @mybrainhurts said:

Tentative Title: Moobs

A young college freshman participates in a crazy radio show stunt to earn enough money so he can get a breast reduction surgery in time to go on a date with the hottest girl on campus.


Lame idea? Lame logline?

I know you like honesty, my man, so I'll give it to you. My reaction to this is tepid, in general. It brings up a lot of questions where the answers sound improbable or just weird.

For instance:

How did a guy who needs to get a breast reduction land a date with the hottest girl on campus (that's the way it read to me, anyway, that he already landed the date somehow. I'm not sure if that's what you intended, but if it isn't, why is there some big rush for him to get a date with her? Is she getting married or something like that)? Also, generally speaking, guys who get breast reductions... it's not like that's the only thing holding them back from being of, let's say, model quality. I can't think of a good reason why a guy would feel he would need a breast reduction and a breast reduction only before landing a date with a beautiful woman.

I like the idea of guys going through huge and improbable hoops for women. Movies as disparate as City Lights and The Sure Thing leap to mind (Katherine Hepburn's hilarious attempts to seduce Cary Grant in Bringing up Baby being another example). And this is certainly a new and novel hoop. So while I'm always a proponent of the idea that just about any idea can work if it's done right, this leaves a weird taste in my mouth.

I mean, think about Jonah Hill's storyline from Superbad. He needs to get beer to a party because he's convinced that unless Emma Stone is drunk, she won't even talk to him. It's ultimately a sad storyline, but it works for his character and all the obstacles put in his way are hilarious. But if his scheme instead had been to get a whole bunch of plastic surgery before trying to land Emma Stone... that story would have been just really sad. It would have crossed a line where I don't think I would have laughed at it. I would be wanting Jonah Hill to get psychiatric help.

As far as the logline itself goes, I think you're packing in too much information sequentially... sort of bam bam bam bam bam. I'm the farthest thing from a logline writing expert, but generally what I like to do is state the goal first, then the obstacle, with an implied pause (John Wayne style) between them to give the person reading it a second to catch up. It doesn't work in every case but I find that it generally does.

Like this:

To land a date with the hottest woman on campus, a college freshman participates in a crazy radio stunt to raise enough money for breast reduction surgery.

[Deleted]

joea,

I do like honesty!

I would agree with you that it still doesn't feel right. Trying to come from the comedy angle but I am still brainstorming the idea.

I like the idea of a guy that has moobs. I think I could really play with those...I mean...play with that idea quite a bit. I just need to find the right situation to put him in.

[mscherer]

MyBrain,

Here's what you have so far:

Protagonist: college freshman
Antagonist:
Situation: participates in a crazy radio show stunt to earn enough money so he can get a breast reduction surgery
Stakes: get the girl.

Don’t see a real antagonist in your logline. See the situation. Not sure the audience will care about the stakes.

Did a series of ‘What Ifs’ and came up with this:

What if the radio host is a real shady character with no intention of paying out the grand prize?

What if your college freshman recently lost 100 pounds and needs cosmetic surgery to remove the excess skin? (he could still have man-boobs, or moobs).

What if the girl’s current boyfriend also enters this contest?

What if he befriends your hero?

What if he learns why your hero needs the money and does everything in his power to sabotage said hero’s quest?

Now your logline would read something like this:

A college freshman, who recently shed 100 pounds, participates in a crazy radio show stunt to win money for cosmetic surgery and to win the girl of his dreams.

Not great, but some food for thought.

Keep Writing!

[Deleted]

Mike,

Thanks for the brainstorm!

The antagonist is going to be the tricky part of this one. The whole idea obviously needs more work. I see some comedy gold in there, but the concept needs to be much better. I just needed to get it out of my head and onto 'paper' so I can mold this sucker into something that is appealing.

Thanks!

*puts on thinking hat*