Flea Market Maestro

[escarondito]

Hey guys. Haven't been on here in awhile. I have been working in production more than I have been writing lately. But I will be back more often commenting and dropping little ideas on things that have popped into my mind that I want to direct. Anyway, here is a Log line that jumped into my head the other day while looking at filming locations. Let me know what you guys think of it.

Title: Flea Market Maestro

Logline: A shy, introverted graduate must win a flea market sales competition to obtain funding for his dream musical accessories store.

Criticism is always welcome. Let me know any way I can make it stronger. The only thing I want to keep the same is the flea market location.

[Deleted]

It doesn't grab me. I don't think I would pay to see it.

I am not the best with loglines, so I will let others critique it.

[escarondito]

Hmmm. That's what worries me about it as well. I am thinking about turning the log line in a different direction. One thing that I learned was great for comedy in happy gilmore was that the character hated golf but had to do it to get the money. Also, his one saving grace in doing gold was that his hockey slap shot was a great asset. So, not only does he hate it, but he;s good at it!

I'm thinking of writing down qualities that makes a person good at selling in a flea market. Or the types of people who do well in a Flea Market, and find a profession that utilizes that as well, but possibly in a more nuanced fashion. IDK btu I don't think I'm crazy.

[brianhaas]

I think part of the problem here is, there's no ticking time bomb that forces this protag into the flea market sales competition. Using your Happy Gilmore example, Happy had a limited amount of time to come up with the money to save grandma's house. I don't see that in your logline. Basically, so what if they don't win? Just save your pennies and buy it down the road...

There's no sense of urgency and I think one is needed in this case.

I suppose I'm also unclear what a "flea market sales competition" is and how the reward for winning such a competition could be so great as to allow one to purchase an entire store. When I think flea markets, I don't think mounds of money. And when I think flea market contest, I think of rewards on the scale of a bearskin pelt or a some gucci knockoff glasses.

I'm not saying this can't work. To the contrary, it's a quirky enough seed of an idea that you could make it work. Flea markets are ripe for some hilarious quirks.

But as of now, I'm not really feeling the stakes as much as I should.

How about this for food for thought:

"An introverted college grad has three weeks to win a flea market sales competition and buy his dream musical accessories store before it is demolished by a greedy landlord looking to expand his parking lot."

It still doesn't address my confusion about the flea market contest, but it gives you a ticking time bomb, stakes and an antagonist.

[escarondito]

"I think part of the problem here is, there's no ticking time bomb that forces this protag into the flea market sales competition. Using your Happy Gilmore example, Happy had a limited amount of time to come up with the money to save grandma's house. I don't see that in your logline. Basically, so what if they don't win? Just save your pennies and buy it down the road...

There's no sense of urgency and I think one is needed in this case."

Hmmm. True. Perhaps we change the story a little bit. The father is unemployed and the son has graduated but isn't able to find a job. page 12 they get an eviction notice and after being overqualified for a job at mcdonalds he works with his father to sell their house items to make up the money.

[mscherer]

Escarondito,

Have to agree with the other folks – the premise doesn’t grab me and the stakes are ho-hum. Let’s look at each segment of this logline:

1. Protagonist: an introverted musician: okay, a hero with a flaw.
2. Antagonist: nope, don’t have one. Who or what stands in the way of your hero’s dream? This is integral to the story.
3. Situation: must win a flea market sales competition: not sure what that is. What is it the hero needs to sell? Who is his competition? (maybe this is the antagonist). I think one the problems with the situation is it is so out there the audience can not relate to it.
4. Stakes: for his dream musical accessories store: these are not stakes. An audience will not care one iota if your hero gets his store or not. The stakes must be high enough for the audience to root for your hero to succeed. Life or death (physically or metaphorically).

Good luck with the project and I look forward to reading a revised logline.

Keep Writing!

[escarondito]

Man, you just broke it down to me perfectly. Ok. Let's re-work this:

An Introverted college student must outsell the competition at his local flea market to make sure he and his unemployed father will not be evicted.

Better

[escarondito]

Better?

[mscherer]

Escarondito,

Yeah, better.

But I still have a problem with the idea of ‘...must outsell the competition at his local flea market...’. I have never, ever heard of any type of competition at a flea market, and I would venture most, if not all, of your audience has not either.

On top of this, I assume, most of the movie/action will take place at this flea market -- booooooring! You have to admit watching a bunch of down and outs, blue-hairs, and regular folk standing around hawking their wares will not keep your audience on the edge of their seats.

If you intend to keep the venue of the flea market I would suggest you play the ‘What if’ game.

What if one of the items your hero wishes to sell is an ancient locked chest?

What if he can hear that there is something inside?

What if he no longer has the key?

What if he knows if he breaks into the chest it becomes worthless?

What if someone steals that chest?

Now you might have an exciting story. Your hero now knows there is something very valuable in that chest. Now he knows he must get it back at all costs. Now he knows it will be the only item he has for sale that could save their home?

In addition, I wouldn’t make the father unemployed. I would make him disabled -- more audience sympathy. Now your logline might read as follows:

An Introverted college student must recover a family heirloom stolen from a flea market, the one piece he hoped to sell to insure he and his disabled father will not lose their home.

Okay, not great, but I think you get the idea.

Keep Writing!