Latka
New Member
Posts: 33
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Asylum
Apr 3, 2011 12:12:52 GMT -5
Post by Latka on Apr 3, 2011 12:12:52 GMT -5
This is the logline for my Script Frenzy entry for this year:
Tris, a socially awkward film addicted teenager, spends his last summer before college finding a job, finally making some friends and deciding what he really wants to do with the rest of his life under the watchful eye of his overly critical father.
I see it as a coming of age comedy script in the vein of Dazed and Confused and Empire Records.
Any comments gratefully received.
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Asylum
Apr 4, 2011 7:28:41 GMT -5
Post by mscherer on Apr 4, 2011 7:28:41 GMT -5
Latka,
Remember these are opinions and not facts written in stone.
Don’t see a story here. Who is the antagonist? ‘…his overly critical father’ doesn’t seem much of an obstacle – what teen doesn’t think their father is overly critical? Next, what are the stakes? Don’t see any and if there are no stakes your reader/audience is going to snooze…. Why should they care?
Based on your logline, the story needs some work, or are you holding something back?
Keep Writing!
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joea
Junior Member
Posts: 76
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Asylum
Apr 4, 2011 11:09:01 GMT -5
Post by joea on Apr 4, 2011 11:09:01 GMT -5
I have to agree with Mike on all points here. I don't see much in the way of stakes, and without stakes or obstacles you generally don't have much of a story.
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Latka
New Member
Posts: 33
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Asylum
Apr 4, 2011 14:39:36 GMT -5
Post by Latka on Apr 4, 2011 14:39:36 GMT -5
Hi Both, Thank you for your comments, they are much appreciated. I suppose I suffered a little from trying to keep the logline short. If I explain a bit more about the story maybe this will help. Tris is his own worst enemy, he is chronically shy at the start and doesn't really have friends. He spends his time either watching movies, thinking about movies or watching movies. The script starts with him finishing his last exam at secondary school. He is also bullied throughout the script by a boy he was friends with when he was a kid. He gets a job at the local art cinema, which is one of those cinemas that are quite rare these days - only one screen, has screenings of classic films. This is where two sub-plots come in. Firstly, the cinema is struggling financially and on the verge of closing down but the manager only lets this slip in the middle of act 2 and secondly, Tris falls in love with a girl who works there. Throughout the script, Tris clashes with his father over his choice of college course, Tris wants to do a film degree and his father wants him to do a business degree and join the family business. I suppose I am trying to capture the essence of that moment when you are young and you don't really know what you want to do with your life, but then you have a moment in time where everything comes together and you end up finding out who you really are and for the first time you think you have everything worked out. In terms of an antagonist, I envisaged it would be his father, but as Mike rightly pointed out this is probably what every teen thinks. There is the bully, but I see that as a sub-plot. Thank you for the food for thought, once I have solved how to articulate it all, I will post a new logline.
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Asylum
Apr 4, 2011 17:32:11 GMT -5
Post by mscherer on Apr 4, 2011 17:32:11 GMT -5
Latka,
What if the father decides to buy the building the cinema is in with the intent of tearing it down?
What if over the course of the movie the son slowly learns this fact?
This would cause more conflict between the father and the son and the father would definitely would be the antagonist.
Just a thought.
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Latka
New Member
Posts: 33
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Asylum
Apr 5, 2011 0:37:35 GMT -5
Post by Latka on Apr 5, 2011 0:37:35 GMT -5
Hi Mike,
That is it, the father can be a property developer, plus pulling down the cinema stops Tris working with people his father sees as a bad influence.
Also, this can cause some conflict between Tris and Maria (the girl he falls in love with) as Tris can be torn between his love for his father and loyalty for his friends.
Thank you so much for taking the time to help me with this.
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joea
Junior Member
Posts: 76
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Asylum
Apr 5, 2011 2:27:52 GMT -5
Post by joea on Apr 5, 2011 2:27:52 GMT -5
Yeah, I like Mike's idea. There's a lot of good you can play with the uncertainty of the building up for sale and then it's sold and no one knows who but they think it's a good thing but it's not. They learn the building will be torn down and then your main character realizes it was his father, leading to a Big Showdown.
How about this for a twist: the girl is really just using Tris to learn about film so she can impress someone else. She's only pretending to be interested in him (at least at first).
But when she's rejected by the person she was trying to impress -- when she's had done to her what she did to Tris -- she realizes she was wrong and their relationship is renewed, only this time on solid ground.
Just an idea.
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Latka
New Member
Posts: 33
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Asylum
Apr 7, 2011 13:22:02 GMT -5
Post by Latka on Apr 7, 2011 13:22:02 GMT -5
Thanks for the input Joea, it is much appreciated.
Your idea for Maria is interesting, I want her to be a film fanatic from the outset but I like the idea of her and Tris' relationship not be a cliched boy likes girl, boy gets girl type of thing.
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Asylum
May 3, 2011 11:11:23 GMT -5
Post by escarondito on May 3, 2011 11:11:23 GMT -5
I'm not going to lie the initial read of your log line left me flat. However, the subsequent ideas for the story piqued my interest in your story more.
But for the logline help you originally asked for. make the story about him trying to save the theatre. All other subplots, the dad trying to buy and tear it down, the girl, are all attached to the theatre so make it the big point. A nice time ticker that they need to increase the revenue in a month to buy out his father and you have some conflict in your story that I'd love to see.
But on a side note, these scripts and movies for white guys meandering through life and meeting quirky people at their quirky jobs(not saying yours is but sounded like it) genre of films have never been anything but lackluster to me. But with giving him an active goal to hold onto the one thing that has meaning (film and the cinema) in his meandering life, makes me actually want to see this film.
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Asylum
May 4, 2011 17:56:59 GMT -5
Post by emhoward on May 4, 2011 17:56:59 GMT -5
Wow, I just saw his logline and story go from something I would never be interested in to something that sounds really solid and intriguing. You guys are very helpful. Inspiring. But I guess that's the point of this message board...
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