Bad Penny (SciFi-thriller)

[mscherer]

I was sitting at my local Panera this morning racking my brain for a new story idea. I came up with this:

An archaeologist, searching for the Seven Cities of Gold, discovers a grave, along with coins minted two years in the future. DNA proves the remains are his and now he struggles to discover the killer before his future becomes reality.

The story would be along the lines of Dead On Arrival meets The Time Machine.

Thoughts, criticisims, feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Keep Writing!

[marc]

I like the idea of him finding coins minted in the future. But when I read "the killer" I was confused for a moment. It is clear from the logline that he obviously got killed, but somehow it read strange to me when there is talk about "a killer", because you might also think that he died from a different cause. I mean it's not exactly criticism of the logline, I just somehow didn't assume that he necessarily had been killed.

[mydoggeorge]

Not sure if this makes sense, but I thought I would try and compact the two sentences you have.

An Archaeologist must search for a killer he never met in order to unravel a mystery from the future that he discovers when looking for an ancient ruin(or treasure).

It compacts everything in one sentence and gives me the protag, the antag, what it's about and a little mystery all in one.

Great idea, by the way. Very cool.

[Sean Z P Harris]

I really like this, Mike!

The only thing missing is the proof (or hint) that he has been murdered (perhaps he's buried with a video recording from himself?).

Still, most intriguing if you as me. Looking forward to how this develops

[mscherer]

Thanks for the feedback – much appreciated. Let me try this on you:

An archaeologist discovers an ancient grave containing U.S. coins minted two years in the future. Examination of the remains points to murder while DNA tests prove the remains are his own; now he struggles to uncover the killer before his future becomes reality.

Keep Writing!

[Sean Z P Harris]

Yes, that reads better, Mike.

Have at it!

[brianhaas]

Mar 21, 2011 9:03:46 GMT -5 mscherer said:

Thanks for the feedback – much appreciated. Let me try this on you:

An archaeologist discovers an ancient grave containing U.S. coins minted two years in the future. Examination of the remains points to murder while DNA tests prove the remains are his own; now he struggles to uncover the killer before his future becomes reality.

Keep Writing!

Mike, I like your idea, but I can't help but think you may be forcing the title into the logline too much. That's probably why it's stuck in two-sentence form.

What about something like this: A/an (descriptor, if possible) archaeologist who discovers the remains of a modern grave at an ancient dig site fights for survival when he realizes that the corpse is his own and he only has two years before he's murdered.

The two year thing kind of saps the "ticking time bomb" element, but that may be something you can play with. Maybe he finds currency that hasn't yet hit the market yet, but is unveiled publicly while he's trying to figure out what's on his hand.

If you make it more immediate, then it adds a layer of mystery. The last part of that logline could then read something like "...he may have only days before he's murdered."

Just my two CENTS.

Har, har.

-Brian

[joea]

Hey, Mike. This is a neat idea. I'll take a crack at this, since I'm probably in the minority of saying that I actually like your first logline more.

If you're looking for a way to do this in one sentence, this is what I came up with.

When an treasure seeking archaeologist finds coins that won't be minted for two years in a grave containing his own murdered body, he goes on a frantic search to find his killer before his destiny can become reality.

The movie this premise reminds me of somewhat is -- of all things -- Back to the Future III. And also (beware, nerd status showing), a Star Trek: TNG two part episode called Time's Arrow (an archaeological team find Data's disconnected head in a cavern in San Francisco that's been sealed since the late 19th century).

Neither of those projects are of especially high quality (the second part of the TNG episode contains way too much Mark Twain -- yes, Mark Twain -- for my taste), but in both cases I think that's more of a case of the execution not living up to the premise. I, for one, enjoyed the original D.O.A. quite a bit (I haven't seen the remake).

The Terminator series of movies (especially T2) and Minority Report have also dealt with these underlying questions of destiny and free will. Making your hero an archaeologist is a non sci-fi-ish way to go with it and I think a smart way. Finding your own notes to hit in a story like this is going to be difficult with all the previous movies making land mines out there. But there's also a lot of interesting precedents to look at and proven success in the genre.

If I might suggest a twist (feel free to completely ignore this, of course), how about after numerous near misses, he finally finds the killer -- in the grave next to his, with a note from his son (or whatever) -- avenging him, right before the archaeologist is killed (fade to black). Killing off your main character is always tricky (meaning, not profitable), but I was sitting here and it occurred to me so there it is.

One more thing: just because he has coins from two years from now doesn't mean he's going to be killed in exactly two years. That's a suspense point you could play up but the fact is it's only a starting point -- one of those things where, after those coins leave the Treasury Department -- the clock is ticking, rather than ringing . It could be months or even years after that before he's killed. The other things he has in his pocket, say... a faded movie ticket showing only a single, vague word; a receipt to a restaurant that hasn't opened yet; and a notice about a doctor's appointment to check out an ailment he doesn't have yet.

Those other pieces of evidence would provide a ticking clock and sources of tension. If the doctor is a dentist then the onset of a toothache would be an extremely bad omen. An old restaurant goes out of business, and a new person comes to town and opens the one he has the receipt to, etc etc. Set ups and payoffs, ways to tighten the screws on your audience. A countdown through storytelling.

Minority Report did this kind of thing very effectively, I thought, with the way the obscure "clues" from the original previsions were revealed as the story went along to be in some cases relevant and in others (like the guy with sunglasses out the window) to essentially be misdirection.

I don't mean to step on your toes with any of these ideas, of course. I don't have a firm idea where you're trying to go with it so I might be rambling off in a direction you have no intention of going. I'm just starting to develop ideas for my next project so I'm in full on brainstorming mode!

[marc]

I remember dimly there was a quite similar logline on the "On The Page" podcast once. (A podcast in which the name Mike Scherer popped up once or twice ) In one of their logline episodes (#65 or #66).

[mscherer]

Thanks to everyone for chiming in with ideas -- much appreciated.

After giving this more thought, I agree that a two-year window is way too long, so the coins will be minted in the current year and earlier. That way the ticking clock will be much, much louder.

The other issue I have is this: it would be hard to keep a so called Time Machine under wraps and secret, so it wouldn't take much digging to figure out who had access to such equipment (aka the killer). Which means, there needs to be a twist at the end -- and I'm working on that.

As for On The Page ... I think Pilar Alessandra is one of the smartest people in the biz when it comes to story. That said, this logline may, or may not, have been on her podcast. I honestly don't remember, but my logline for Lawyers, Guns and Money did place second in one of those contests.

Thanks again for everyone's input. I plan to finish up a bit of research, then begin writing the first act which I will post on the board.

Keep Writing!

[marc]

I wasn't trying to imply that you stole an idea or something, Mike. I just thought maybe their analysis of the logline might be of help...

As for keeping the "time machine" under wraps. Maybe it could be a liquid that is injected into somebody. It's "loaded" with the time information and then drawn up into a syringe. Inject and thwupp, he's gone.

I don't really see why coins minted two years in the future would create a problem when you got a "time machine" on your hands. He could travel through time and get killed there. If he has coins minted in the current year I don't see why that would make an impression on the audience. Two years in the future is a great hook and I was like "A-ha!"

But I shouldn't write ideas here, it's your story and you didn't ask for story ideas but logline input

[mscherer]

Marc,

I didn't infer that you implied I 'stole' the logline. What I meant to say is, I may or may not have submitted that logline for one of Pilar's contests.

Thanks for your comments too!

Keep Writing!