Post by anonymous1234 on Feb 27, 2011 20:47:20 GMT -5
Okay, so I read the script and literally just finished. This will probably be kind of a weird post so just try and bear with me while I collect my thoughts and write them in (probably) an incoherent manner.
You definitely have a good premise and are clearly a good and humorous writer. With a little fine-tuning this could be a really good script. I could see that you were going for that Superbad vibe and (initially) you nailed it. It works.
Also, I must commend you for actually writing a comedy. These are hard things to do and you scaled the greatest difficulty with admiration.
The Good: (1) The beginning is really good. There were some lines of dialogue I thought were really funny. I laughed pretty hard at that WNBA line. It starts out solid and keeps going and I must admit I was really excited to read it. I thought you had an interesting premise and were executing it beautifully. (2) Wizard Gary is awesome. He's just awesome. I thought he was hysterical. Good job. (3) It's a really easy read and when push comes to shove, this is detrimental. It's important to have something fun to read.
Major Areas For Improvement: (1) At about the one-third mark, the plot really comes into play and the jokes just kind of stop. It wasn't like you were swinging and missing, you just stopped trying. I didn't get it. You clearly are a witty and clever individual and yet you fell into the Funny People trap: Once you got into your story, you abandoned any sense of comedy. (2) The story becomes a cliche. I understand that you were going for that Scream type of tongue in cheek Rom-Com with the whole Rom-Com book, but it just comes across as if you started writing to the beats of that book. I really liked what you did in the beginning and wanted to see that same originality and creativity continued. (3) I didn't understand why Cooper would run off with this girl he just met. I get that you were going for a "Romeo and Juliet" kind of love at first sight, but I didn't buy it. Maybe make their "true-love" a little more evident (4) I also didn't buy the whole "ripping up of the wizard cards" at the end. Why would people change their entire lives and everything they've done just because one guy gets up there and makes a speech. Make the speech a little more impassioned. Or, make people apparently care less. (5) Differentiate your characters earlier. I didn't fully know who was whom until the plot started to get going. Why should I care about these guys in the beginning. (6) There were some jokes that were borderline racist. The Asian kid thing. I would take it out. It's not funny enough to make up for how offensive it is.
With a rewrite or two, this could be an excellent script instead of just a good script. Keep at it. I would really like to see any progress you make on this. So, if you would like me to give it another read, don't hesitate to PM me when you have a new draft. The potential is there, it's just not utilized to its fullest.
I'm sorry if I'm sounding a bit harsh here, but hopefully this constructive criticism will make the script much better.
And don't forget, THIS IS JUST ONE READERS' OPINION
Okay, 2nd attempt: I somehow lost what I was in the middle of writing! ;
Good evening, Mr. Carter. My apologies first and foremost---to myself for not reading this sooner! ; ) While I've been out of commission because of health, I'd still check in once in a while to download a script that sounded interesting yet hadn't read a one until yesterday---I'm on page 52. What a fun ride it is so far. My biggest concern was that this site would shut down before I was able to let you know how much I'm enjoying it and look forward to seeing how it turns out. If I'm able, I'll be happy to do line notes for you (again, if we can still access this site by late next week) and if I can't, I'll look for you on the OTT site.
Anyway, enjoying the humor and the story. More to come..... oz (donna)
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