Another State of Mind

[btstacks]

Here is another attempt at a logline.

A convicted murderer discovers a subconscious passageway into his past lives, based on part of an ancient document found in a prison cellar, a desire to learn more takes him on a journey to the Far East, all while evading an elusive enemy and a dangerous secret society that will stop at nothing to protect its secrets.

[mscherer]

Brett,
My mantra for 2011 is: Simplify! Your logline is long (57 words) and contains information that could/should be revealed in your script and is not needed in the logline. So, that said, I would Simplify this way:

A convicted murderer discovers an ancient document disclosing how to access a subconscious passageway into his past lives only to learn he is the target of a secret society that will stop at nothing to protect that secret.

I think this tells the essence of your story in fewer words (38) and eliminates information not needed to understand the story:
1. ‘...found in a prison cellar’.
2. ‘...a desire to learn more takes him on a journey to the Far East’.
3. ‘... an elusive enemy’.

All which will be brought out in your script.

But remember, this is only my opinion and opinions are like a**holes -- everyone has one. ;D

Keep Writing!

[btstacks]

Thanks,

Learning new stuff everyday.

[Sean Z P Harris]

Hi Brett!

This is a good site re. creating loglines (although Mike pretty much summed it up).

[brianhaas]

I like Mike's suggestion at least as to paring down what you already have into a logline, but I think there are some inherent logic problems with it (that maybe you have figured out already).

"A subconscious passageway into his past lives"
That sounds difficult to film, unless you're talking about a series of flashbacks (which can be problematic to begin with). Might be a bit ambitious.

"Based on part of an ancient document found in a prison cellar"
I assume you mean prison "cell" here. But where is the guy housed? You'd be hard pressed to find a prison in America that could be described as "ancient." Even our murderers are housed in (relatively) modern facilities these days unless states want to face civil rights lawsuits. Unless he's housed in a Thai prison or something.

"A desire to learn more takes him on a journey to the Far East"
Ok, this confuses me, I thought he was in prison? Or is this a subconscious journey? Or does he somehow escape prison?

"all while evading an elusive enemy and a dangerous secret society that will stop at nothing to protect its secrets"
Again, same as above. How can he evade these guys if he's in prison? Or, again, is this subconscious? Which, honestly, doesn't make a lot of sense. So how'd he get out?

I think you have the nugget of an interesting idea, but you may be trying to cram too much into it to make it unique. I could be wrong. Perhaps hearing more of your story would help. Typically, when a logline has logic problems, the script has significant logic problems. At least that's been my amateur experience in reading new writers' stuff.

[btstacks]

Thanks for the feedback all. I can see where you are all going with this. Just to make the story a little clearer, I am posting the first few scenes I wrote up the other night (In the Entire Acts folder) as well as a few extra notes. Please feel free to comment.