Final Payment

[Sean Z P Harris]

Howdy all!

I'm trying to figure out a log line for the first draft of a feature I've just finished. So far I have:

A wily debt collector’s hopes of leaving his fathers business and starting a new life are shattered when a client kidnaps his daughter and forces him to deliver three special gifts to three special people.

Thing is, I believe that it really should have the word "stuggles" somewhere around the middle so as to make the protag more active as apposed to re-active.

Do people agree with that?

[mscherer]

Sean,

My new mantra in 2011 is SIMPLIFY! That said, I took a SWAG at your logline:

A wily debt collector struggles to save his kidnapped daughter by carrying out the kidnapper’s ransom demand: deliver three special gifts to three special people.

Good luck and,

Keep Writing!

[Sean Z P Harris]

Great stuff Mike! I like it.

Think I need to come up with a replacement for word "special". Makes it sound like he's delivering flowers! I think Wily maybe a bit miss-leading as well, especially as I big up how stubborn he is in the story. So perhaps ...

A stubborn debt collector struggles to save his kidnapped daughter by carrying out the kidnapper’s ransom demand: deliver three mystery packages to three reluctant recipients.

This any better peeps?

[Sean Z P Harris]

Actually, I forgot to mention. The protag. has to video each recipients response to the gift and gain a signature of receipt.

Would this be too much to shoe horn into the log line, you think?

A stubborn debt collector struggles to save his kidnapped daughter by carrying out the kidnapper’s ransom demand: deliver three mystery packages and video each reluctant recipients reaction.