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Post by btstacks on Feb 2, 2011 0:57:07 GMT -5
A man is trapped in a solitary world due to his own selfishness, and the only one who can save him is the woman he hurt the most.
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Post by mscherer on Feb 2, 2011 6:59:44 GMT -5
Btstacks,
Welcome aboard! I hope you find your stay here enjoyable, entertaining and educational. Now, to your logline......
I don’t think we have enough information to help here. For instance, does ‘…trapped in a solitary world’ mean physically trapped, psychologically trapped, socially? And what are the stakes? What happens to this guy if he remains ‘trapped’? Finally, who, or what, is keeping this guy from reaching his goal?
My take on loglines is this: a logline needs at least four pieces of information: 1. Who is the protagonist? 2. Who (what) is the antagonist? 3. What is the situation? 4. What are the stakes?
1. So far we know who the protagonist is: a selfish man. 2. Not so much the antagonist. (the woman he hurt? maybe, but she sounds more like a Mentor character as he needs her help). 3. We do know the situation: trapped in a solitary world (just don't know what this world is). 4. Finally , there are no stakes. What will make the audience/reader care if this guy ever gets 'un-trapped'?
Hope this helps as you,
Keep Writing!
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Post by btstacks on Feb 2, 2011 15:13:31 GMT -5
Thanks mscherer for the welcome. I can see in the little time I've browsed through the boards that this will be very helpful.
Excellent points in your feedback. Here is a little synopsis of my short script:
A man creating his Living Will stated he would like to be kept alive if in a Vegetative State or Coma to the dismay of his wife.
Years later, he has a horrible accident and awakens in his mind in a vegetative state, but can't communicate with anyone. He can hear everything around him, but they don't know this.
Over the course of months, he realizes what his decision is doing to his wife and kids and wishes he could just die so they could move on with their lives.
But it will take his wife, to bypass his wishes, even though she disagreed with it, in order to get a court order to end his life support.
------------------------------------------- I hope this makes it clearer. I would appreciate any suggestions.
Thanks, Brett
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oz
Full Member
Posts: 166
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Post by oz on Feb 2, 2011 16:35:38 GMT -5
Welcome to the nuthouse, Brett ; )
Noticed your post and my first thought was that this has to be a book, not a film. How do you portray a man in a vegetative state realizing his mistake on screen except for voice over and if you use voice over you'll have to use it to death with this guy and that won't make much of a movie. As a wise man in the business once told me, "They're called movies, not talkies."
I think this story would have to be the wive's, not the husband's. It would have to be about her fight to go against his wishes---but then the question is why? For selfish reasons? For financial reasons? How do you portray her as sympathetic when she's clearly going against his wishes?
Perhaps, if you really want this to be a film, you'd better rethink the protag and the basic structure on this before you make yourself insane trying to write it. Then again, you may have a kick ass outline that will prove me wrong! These are just my two cents, for what they're worth. Good luck to you, however you pursue this.
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Post by btstacks on Feb 2, 2011 16:58:35 GMT -5
Thanks Oz,
I appreciate the feedback. I know what you mean about the "talkie" thing with VOs. There is narration, but not as much as you'd think. There are many things going on around him to see visually through his narration. There are also flashback scenes that explain his original thought processes and eventually lead to his current situation.
The main struggle or conflict is his original desire to stay alive and not give up on his family, then changing his mind as he hears and feels the result of that decision. (2) the struggle his wife has in balancing his original wishes against the mounting debt and what his lifeless state is doing to his young children.
Please remember, it is only a 19 page short, so the narrative dialogue doesn't have to carry a feature length film.
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