Unfortunate Son

[davestroble]

Hello everyone,

This is the logline for what I'm working on now. I think that I'm in the ballpark but that feeling of positivity comes and goes depending on the time of day.

"After his parent's mysterious deaths, a widower struggling to move on from his past is haunted by something they could not keep buried in theirs."

I hope that explains enough that its a family comedy set in a soon to be demolished amusement park.

Any comments, either positive or negative, will be greatly appreciated.

Dave.

[marc]

hey dave,

Your logline tells me about your protagonist and the situation he's in.
What I miss is an antagonist (antagonistic force) and the stakes. I'm not sure what you mean by "buried in theirs".

Edit: okay, now I got it. In their past. Alright, alright, I'm slow, I admit it ;D
Now I'm even more confused. I thought it's all about Zombies and shit, but now it sounds more like a drama/thriller... Edit over

What's confusing is that he lost his parents and is a widower. So who's coming back, mommy, daddy, honey-bunny?

You might want to give away a little more of the story. Tell us who or what exactly haunts the man (I guess the parents) and in what kind of way, meaning what happens if they get him. Maybe the key to the logline is buried in the "mysterious" part of the death. I'm curious in what way this death was mysterious.

[davestroble]

Hi Marc.

Thanks for commenting.

I guess that I need to find a way to add the stakes. The antagonistic force would be the "something that they could not keep buried in theirs" that is now haunting him. Or at least that is what I would have liked it interpreted as.

I suppose that him being a widower might be relevant to the story but it might not be entirely relevant to to logline.

Its a horror script. I just wanted to start and finish a script. I'm not even a fan of the genre although the fact that horror movies give me nightmares I figured that I had a couple of ideas that might make something work.

Here is the basic gist of my story:

A guy, our widower, who is having problems coping with the passing of his wife as it reaches the 3rd anniversary of said wife's death, gets a phone call from the Maine State Police that his parents have been in a terrible accident. His mother was found dead, his dad is clinging to life. Our guy, the widower, was under the impression that they were on their annual vacation to sunny, tropical Florida. Which as of right now is moot because again, one is dead the other is dying.

He flies to Maine, sees his dad who in his last moment of alive-ity whispers to him that "It was her, she killed her, I'm so sorry" before he flatlines.

Skipping ahead it turns out that there was an accident (or was it?) and our protagonist's older sister drowned when she was 8. Her spirit remained, haunting the house and the mother. The father never believed the mother's claims that the daughter's spirit remained, her evil little spirit as it were until he came home from work one night and witnessed his wife drowning in a bathtub and as he tried to save her felt this evil little spirit try to stop him. They left the house and never returned.

The house over the years remained vacant, left as it was the day that they fled. The little girl, ghost, ghoul, demon-spawn claimed a fair number of victims over the years. Each of them killed in a way that would not implicate a supernatural force but the house still ended up being known locally as "that haunted house up that block" or something like that.

Our protagonist learns that he inherits this house at the estate hearing and decides that he will move there to get to the bottom of this secret life that his parents had before he was born that he knew nothing about. Then the true hijinx begin.

I really appreciate you reading my original post. I will try to come up with a better logline.

This is the first time that I ever really mentioned to anyone (except my wife) that I am working on writing a script. Like I said, I don't even like scary movies but there is enough crap that gives me the heebie-jeebies that I thought maybe I can get through a script, type the "Fade to Black" and feel like I accomplished something, and then move on to something I feel is more in my wheelhouse.

Have a great night.
dave

[marc]

hey Dave,

sounds like a good strategy, getting through with one script and then move on.

Here's the formula for a logline. It is on this this board a couple of times but I'll still include it.

1. Who is the protagonist?
2. Who is the antagonist?
3. What is the situation?
4. What are the stakes?

My biggest problem are always the stakes. And that you got only one sentence to get all this stuff across.

But I think in your case, when you define the "something" in the logline as the guy's dead sister/evil spirit you'll have a proper logline.

Something in the vein of:

After his wife and his parents died mysteriously, a man (insert description) moves into the old family home that is still inhabited by the evil spirit that killed his loved ones, and he shan't be spared.

I think it includes points 1-4, at least I hope so. There sure are better ways to draft it. Without weird words like "shan't". So have at it

[davestroble]

Thanks again Marc.

The sister thing is sort of a reveal so I'd prefer to leave that out.

I was thinking of:

"After his parent's mysterious deaths, a man struggling not to become trapped in his own past becomes haunted by someone they could not keep buried in theirs."

Orrrrrrrrrrrr

"After his parents mysterious deaths, a widower struggling not to become trapped in his past inherits a house that is haunted by someone that they could not keep buried in theirs."

I appreciate the comments you made and would appreciate anymore that you might have...

Thanks again,
dave

[brianhaas]

Dave,

I think part of the problem is you're trying to hide too much of the story. The result sounds much more like a tagline on a movie poster than an actual logline.

This one: "After his parents mysterious deaths, a widower struggling not to become trapped in his past inherits a house that is haunted by someone that they could not keep buried in theirs."

Is a bit better. We get the situation at least, dude inherits a haunted house. But we don't know what the movie is about other than that.

"Parents' mysterious death" is good. Widower is good. Haunted house is good.

Now what we need is the actual main conflict in the story. So he inherited the haunted house and has some stuff in the past. So what? What danger does this house pose to him and why does it pose a danger? Why do we care about this haunted house and the guy's plight?

[Sean Z P Harris]

How about something along the lines of:

After inheriting his late parent’s house, a troubled widower struggles with the malicious spirit of his dead sister to discover the truth of his families macabre past.

[Sean Z P Harris]

Or:

After inheriting his late parent’s house, a troubled widower struggles to defeat the malicious spirit of his dead sister and discover the truth of his families macabre past.

[davestroble]

Hi Brian,

Thanks for your input as well. I understand what you're saying.

I've taken a few other swings at it but this is the one that I will work on from here on out.

"A still-grieving widower from L.A. gets a chance to start over when he inherits a house in Maine after the mysterious deaths of his parents, but can he live long enough to overcome an evil presence from their past in order to take it?

1. Who is the protagonist? Widower
2. Who is the antagonist? Evil Presence
3. What is the situation? Inherits the house, wants to start over.
4. What are the stakes? Survival.

Like I said, this is logline is still a lump of clay but I think that with the advice that you guys have given me its heading in the right direction.

Again, thanks for your advice.
dave

[davestroble]

A struggling widower from L.A. inherits a house in Maine after the mysterious deaths of his parents and in order to survive this chance to start over he must uncover their secret past and overcome an evil presence that they could not keep buried in it.

This was the other one that I was working on. I thought I added it to my previous post.

[brianhaas]

Dave, I think you're getting closer and while you technically may have met those requirements for a logline, it's still missing something.

Right now, you have a generic haunted house story. Dude needs to survive haunted house. There have been a ton of movies about just that very thing. The stuff about the family secrets is far too vague to be interesting at this point.

I think, if you plan to use this logline to pitch to prodcos and agents, you need to really express in this logline why your script is not like every other screenplay out there.

Think of the Silence of the Lambs. At its core, it's about an FBI agent (well, trainee, technically, but you get the drift) who has to catch a serial killer. So what? There have been tons of movies about that.

But then, you get the unique angle: She can't do it without the help of another serial killer.

It's that last part, I think, that is missing from your logline. It seems to crop up a lot, and I think it may be that writers are either afraid to let the secret of their story out of the bag or they think that by leaving the logline mysterious that it will be more appealing.

You certainly don't want to give away too much of your story, but you need to give enough so that the reader realizes that you have a fully-developed, unique take on the genre.

In other words, why should an agent or prodco read your script over every other haunted house script out there?

I'm sure you have a great angle for your story. I can see hints of it. But I think to be more effective and really do your script justice, you're going to have to get more specific.

Just one man's opinion.

-Brian

[marc]

"A still-grieving widower from L.A. gets a chance to start over when he inherits a house in Maine after the mysterious deaths of his parents,
but can he live long enough to overcome an evil presence from their past in order to take it?"

This one is good, I like it. Maybe don't end it on a question, though.

brian: Dave wrote he wants to go through with a draft and does not care about horror too much. As I understand, it won't end up on a producer's desk. (And in case, I guess there are producers out there who are looking for this kind of story because they're a safe bet.)
So I think a generic story is sufficient or even appropriate because you can make your way along some clichés.

But sure, a unique approach on the story should be there, at least a hint of it. Dave, you talk about horror movies giving you nightmares.
What's the intense nightmarish part of your script, that might be the key to the logline. Some kind of a "boom!"-alright-that's-fucked-up element.

[brianhaas]

Marc, I'll have to respectfully disagree. While I think it's good to start out with a "safe" concept, I don't think anyone benefits from a generic plot. And there's certainly no harm in modeling your logline in a manner that potentially *could* be passed along to a prodco or agent.

Anyways, I re-read the summary above and came up with the following:

"After inheriting the haunted house of his parents following their suspicious deaths, a grieving widower must survive the deadly spirit of his long-dead sister to uncover the family secret that can finally put her to rest."

I think that gets more to the core of the story, as far as a logline is concerned. It leaves some good mystery, but I think better conveys what the movie is about, at least based on my reading of what Dave wrote above. It's also a bit more unique than the initial offerings. I'm not sure if the secret puts her to rest in your story, but I think you can get the gist of it.

I hope this helps a bit.

-Brian

[davestroble]

Hello again everyone,

Marc, I didn't think ending on a question was a great idea but I'm just trying to get the logline on the right path then I could adjust it from there.

Brianhaas, I understand what you're saying. Its not so much that I'm trying to hide any specific elements its just that I didn't think that I was supposed to give everything away.

A widower in L.A. who is still having visions of his deceased wife inherits a house after the mysterious deaths of his parents but in order to survive this chance at a new beginning he must enlist the aid of his father's mistress to overcome a horrible secret they couldn't keep buried in their past.

The death/scary stuff I believe is sort of typical for this genre. But its the other stuff that I think is atypical.

Its a horror script but its basically about letting go of the past and how easy it is for some people to let go and how hard it is for others.

I realize that the logline I threw in up there is a little run-on but I see where more info is better. I'll work on it.

I still didn't throw in that the evil little sister that haunts this house was killed by the religious fanatic of a mother (she was a cold, hard woman which led to her husband having a mistress to whom he confided) because after having two family pets end up dead she witnessed her calmly holding a puppies head under water in the pond behind the house leading her to conclude that this little 7 year old girl was evil and had to go. The father didn't know that's how it ended but as he was trying to save his wife from drowning in the bathtub he saw the little girl in the water holding his wife by the hair. The body count of this little girl started adding up prior to this and well after this. They left the house that night and never returned. Keeping the house, the sister, everything that ever happened in Maine from anyone that they ever knew. Until they died in Maine when they were supposed to be on vacation in Florida. That is where the story starts and where the widower starts to see that the perfectly normal life that he had was the complete antithesis to what happened before he was born.

I know again, that is sort of a rambling mess, but you guys have been helping me so I figured I'd give you an idea of some of the stuff I'm working with here.

I truly do appreciate the fact that not only have you read my logline you've taken any part of your day to comment on it as well as give your own ideas. If there is anything that I could do to help any of you please let me know.

Although, maybe I'll leave the loglines to you guys until I get a little better at it.

dave