OBSESSOR - Psychological Thriller

[oz]

What's with the little caution sign on this post?

[Ambrose Chapel]

Sorry, I added it thinking it would stand out. Instead it looks like it confuses or even signifies "Read at your own risk!" But, then... that would be true. It isn't for the PG-13 audience.

[christianh]

OK. Very interesting read. Wasn't bad but there are a lot of structural things I noticed. Disclaimer: I'm very busy and only got to page 18.


First, your headings aren't exactly correct (big no-no)
EXT. AERIAL VIEW - CHICAGO SKYLINE - PRESENT DAY should be

EXT. CHICAGO SKYLINE - DAY
SUPER: PRESENT DAY

Familiar landmarks to whom? Never assume people will know.

I'd skip the OVER SOUND, a man's voice. It's neat to have V.O. but I can't make a connection with how long it takes. Skip the city view or just shorten it. Saying the VIEW really has no meaning other than being a camera direction. Focus on what's in the center of the screen.


There are several places where you could trim lines through the whole V.O. section. It just sounds too "prose-y."


Also, you have some definite continuity problems because you have so many FLASHBACKS. Most readers hate flashbacks. You also don't actually write END FLASHBACK so it becomes hard to tell where we are - even with the EXTRA LONG HEADINGS.

Time, PRESENT, 1980, EARLIER, etc. should be either a SECONDARY or a SUPER.

It seems like you have a good story here but you need to TRIM, TRIM, TRIM. What I'd do at this point is revisit my outline - or write one if you don't have one.

Try to see how to avoid those FLASHBACKS. Maybe start earlier or make them longer rather than jumping back and forth so much.

Also, watch how much you use INSERT vs. SECONDARY HEADINGS. INSERT is more jarring, especially with the newspaper clippings, That could just be INSERT: WALL OF CLIPPINGS.


I'll try to read the whole draft and update but definitely think about those structural things. I never tell anyone what to write.

Again, you've got a story there.

[Ambrose Chapel]

Yeah, I realized the flashbacks were problematic, but I've struggles with them through many drafts. The outline is no help because it is very detailed, essentially a first draft script out of format. Some of the jargon and tech instructions are for my own use - as I mentioned I was working on a possibility of directing this. So I put in stuff to remind me. But thanks for raising this stuff, it'll need to be cleaned up if it ever goes out.

[christianh]

Hey no problem. I liked it but readers are very fickle people. What I try to do with my outlines is just give a location, characters and situation. No notes or anything as the dialog is a separate thing.

If I can add sequences out and make a good flow with no noticeable holes, then I start writing. It usually takes about three.

I have a short in pre-production now that went through two and it's only around 18 pages.

I actually found a new program that allows for BIOs, Arcs, goals everything.

movieoutline.com


I will try to get some time finish it as maybe I can help you see how to get the info across without flashbacks. You can really use the newspapers clippings more or have a call with someone that needs info.