Sci fi logline

[opalmquist]

City of Dust and Bone

A failed mother fights her way to redemption as she searches for her young son amidst the ruins of the offworld penal colony he was unjustly exiled to.

If you had a pile of four or five scripts to choose from... would it catch your eye? Any suggestions as to how to improve it?

Thanks,
Owen

[mscherer]

Owen,

Love the title.....

Things that come to mind:
Why is she a failed mother?
What does it mean ‘...fights her way to redemption...’
Why does she have to search for her son?
Why/how was she unjustly exiled?
Who is the antagonist -- the person or thing keeping her from reaching her goal(s)?
What are the stakes?

I think there is too much going on in the logline and at the same time, not enough.

Your protagonist has too many goals (at least mentioned in the logline). She can find redemption and locate her son while exonerating herself -- no problem there. Just pick one to mention in the logline. But who or what stands in her way? And if she doesn’t exonerate herself or find her son, what is the worse that can happen? Will the audience care? Will your reader care?

As I said earlier, I love the title and that will get your query read, but your logline would not get you a request for your script.

One man’s opinion -- mileage may vary -- batteries not included.

[opalmquist]

M,

Thanks for the input -- very helpful. I think maybe I'm trying to condense too many plot details and getting fuzzy in the process.

A second attempt:

When her 12-year-old son is deported to an offworld penal colony, a desperate ex-soldier gets herself sent there in order to protect him.

Much less story detail in this one (doesn't really describe much beyong page 15) and not really outlining the stakes (beyond the intrinsic stakes of being in a prison colony) -- what are you thoughts on a second sentence? Feels clunky to me, but perhaps necessary?

Many thanks,
O

[brianhaas]

opalmquist,

I think that's better, but you're right. It sounds like it's only the first 15 pages.

What is her major obstacle? You're describing her situation, that he's heading to prison to take care of mommy's boy.

And then what?

That's where the major stakes and antagonist comes in.

I'll just make up some absurd stuff as an example.

"A co-dependent mother searching for her useless son in the ruins of an off-world penal colony must master a nearly impenetrable, deadly labyrinth of traps -- and the sadistic warden's heart -- to rescue him from a life sentence of making license plates after he was falsely convicted."

See, you have the situation. Troubled son in prison and mom has to get him. You have the stakes. Not only her son's well-being, but her own life because of the traps. And you have an antagonist in the form of the sadistic warden whom she will teach to love again.

Ludicrous, I know. But I think it illustrates something akin to what I think your logline needs to really pack a punch.

I hope that helps.

-Brian

[oz]

I'll throw my 2 cents in just for fun:

You indicate this is a Sci Fi. My husband's an addict of the genre and as he's so apt to remind me, the only reason to write sci fi is to make a connection to the social commentary of what's happening on earth. Granted, that may just be one fan's theory, but I take a great deal of stock in his view because he is the market and from what you've provided so far is a story told with sci fi as the back drop. That may create a problem for you down the road.

Just thought I'd bring that to your attention because the best sci fi seems to walk the allegory line very closely. Perhaps with that in mind, you'll be able to solidify your premise and outline.

Good luck to you.

[opalmquist]

@brian

Good thoughts -- now to add the stakes in as succinctly as possible.

oz

I agree with your husband wholeheartedly and while it's not a dominant "message" to the script the story has its roots in a number of social issues today, thanks for the input!

-Owen