Scene2Shoot Feedback

[mscherer]

Please use this thread to offer feedback. Don't want to clutter up the submission area with other stuff. ;D

Keep Writing!

[dangerbowman]

cwillgowrite

I just read your submission. LOVE the direction you took with it. I did not see that coming. Clever. I would watch that.

[dangerbowman]

@ ben

First Date Aftermath made me sad... so NICE JOB on conveying the situation. I like how you put the guy through this kind of misery.

[Ben]

Jan 19, 2011 17:25:57 GMT -5 dangerbowman said:

@ ben

First Date Aftermath made me sad... so NICE JOB on conveying the situation. I like how you put the guy through this kind of misery.

Thanks Danger. Unfortunately, I have a rich tapestry of life experience to draw from, and by golly do I feel sorry for what my poor protag will be put through. The poor bastard has no idea...

[dangerbowman]

I have a rich tapestry of life experience to draw from

That kinda makes me more sad. I hope SOME of it is fictional.

@ njscott

Simple and elegant. You're ending caught me. I really enjoyed Placement.

[dangerbowman]

I wonder what Kevin thinks of all these. I'm anxious to find out.

[njscott]

dangerbowman

Thanks! Appreciate the comment. Glad you liked it.

[cwillgowrite]

dangerbowman

A little late on my part, but much thanks for the comment! I'm glad you were entertained.

[btstacks]

cwillgowrite

Political-conspiracy thriller

I look forward to reading more. Political thrillers are great stories.
I noticed a couple of things and I hope I'm not way off:

I assume that the man came in through the window of the baby's room. You don't say exactly, but I'm guessing that's what happened. At the end of the scene, you have him leaving, but don't explain how he left. he couldn't go back through the baby's room because his wife is in there with the baby. Not a big thing. Just noticed it.

You switch the description from man to "agent". Not sure what kind of agent he is. Would we know him from an earlier part of the script that he's an agent?

Lastly, he obviously wasn't going there to kill the senator or he would have done it once he had him dazed. Again, I'm assuming, but if he wasn't there to kill him, why does he have a hammer and why did he swing the hammer at him in the bed?
A gun would be far more intimidating if that was his intention. If you wanted to create a struggle, you could still use a gun that misfires or doesn't fire at all. Maybe he could use that to soothe his wife. "He's just trying to scare me, if he wanted to kill me he would've used real bullets." Something like that. But the hammer doesn't necessarily make a lot of sense. But then again, maybe that's the agent's modus operandi or weapon of choice.

Just my observations.

BT

[cwillgowrite]

btstacks

Thank you for giving that scene a read through. Good catches on the vagueness of entry and exit concerning the intruder. Also, good catch on the agent. I formerly called him the agent and decided to change it to 'man in black.' I guess I missed deleting some of the 'agents'

Re the weapon, admittedly I wanted to use the hammer just to change it up from the usual gun. My intent was to threaten injury with a peculiar weapon. Perhaps the hammer could be the 'man in black's MO to justify its use.

Thanks again.


Lastly, he obviously wasn't going there to kill the senator or he would have done it once he had him dazed. Again, I'm assuming, but if he wasn't there to kill him, why does he have a hammer and why did he swing the hammer at him in the bed?
A gun would be far more intimidating if that was his intention. If you wanted to create a struggle, you could still use a gun that misfires or doesn't fire at all. Maybe he could use that to soothe his wife. "He's just trying to scare me, if he wanted to kill me he would've used real bullets." Something like that. But the hammer doesn't necessarily make a lot of sense. But then again, maybe that's the agent's modus operandi or weapon of choice.