Vegas Strip (Drama/Comedy)

[cdoza16]

Posting for the first time, would love some input on this logline.

In order to finally win the affection of his estranged father, a recent Harvard grad runs his father’s notoriously corrupt Vegas gentleman’s club after the father goes into hiding.

Any and all types of criticism would be much appreciated!

[marc]

hi,

I think it's close, but still something is missing. Here's a formula for logline-writing that I came across. It was on this board, I think

Logline = Protagonist + main goal + main problem/villain + stakes

or:

1. Who is the protagonist?
2. Who is the antagonist?
3. What is the situation?
4. What are the stakes?

A good example I think is this:
The Fisher King - A radio DJ (PROTAG), suicidally despondent because of a horrible mistake he made (SITUATION),
finds redemption in helping a deranged homeless man (ANTAG) who was a victim of it (STAKES).

So, let's take a look:

In order to finally win the affection of his estranged father (ANTAG), a recent Harvard grad (PROTAG) runs his father’s notoriously corrupt Vegas gentleman’s club after the father goes into hiding (SITUATION).


I think the stakes are missing. Why is his father hiding? What is the worst thing that can happen to the son, or what's the "peril" he's in?

Include this and you'll have your logline

[cdoza16]

Thanks for the response its a huge help, I will repost a reworked logline soon

[brianhaas]

Cdoza,

I think you're definitely on the right track. Honestly, the only thing I see really missing here is the stakes. Surely the stakes can't simply be the protag's daddy issues? I assume it has something to do with why the dad went into hiding. If so, bring that out! What is the biggest problem our protag faces in your script?

Answer that and you'll have a pretty good logline.

[mscherer]

cdoza16,

I would have to agree with Marc’s comment that there are no stakes. Now, I know you’re going to say, ‘There are stakes! He must win the affection of his estranged father!’ Really? Why? I’m certain the young Harvard grad has been trying to do this his whole life -- what’s different now?

Also, some questions come to mind: (1) why does the father go into hiding? (2) what is this ‘recent Harvard grad’s’ fatal flaw (as it relates to the story)? (3) how does running ‘...his father’s notoriously corrupt Vegas gentleman’s club’ get him back in the good graces of his father?

Here’s what came to my mind after reading your logline. What if your young man is a recent graduate of the Harvard Divinity School? What if the father is in hiding because he pissed of someone in the mob? What if your young grad gathers together a group of childhood chums (each with a unique skill -- some not very legal) to help out dear old dad?

What do you get now? A story in the vein of Ocean’s Eleven, only in reverse. Now the con artists are running the club and executing their plan to thwart the mob boss and bring dear old dad home safe and sound. So, what would be the logline?

A recent Harvard Divinity School grad must take over his father’s notoriously corrupt gentleman’s club, then scramble to devise a plan to prevent a local mob boss from killing his estranged father.

One man’s opinion -- mileage may vary -- batteries not included.

[btstacks]

I would just rearrange the logline a bit.

Maybe:

After his father's mysterious disappearance, a young Harvard grad must return to a place he tried to escape and take his father's place running a corrupt Las Vegas strip club, in an effort to gain his affection.

Something like that.

[cdoza16]

That's a great idea thanks!

[brianhaas]

Feb 2, 2011 1:47:11 GMT -5 btstacks said:

I would just rearrange the logline a bit.

Maybe:

After his father's mysterious disappearance, a young Harvard grad must return to a place he tried to escape and take his father's place running a corrupt Las Vegas strip club, in an effort to gain his affection.

Something like that.

Again, I think the problem here is the stakes are too low. As written, the main goal of the protagonist is to win daddy over. Who cares? Obviously that should be a goal for your protagonist. But the main goal?

I'm certain cdoza has more at stake than whether the protag's father approves. But I think that needs to be in the logline.

[Sean Z P Harris]

Hi there!

I'd have to agree. It's the "in an effort to gain his affection." part that weakens the logline from me. Something like:

A young Harvard grad struggles to run his fathers sleazy Las Vegas strip club after his father is kidnapped by a Mafia crime lord demanding $500,000 for his release.

This is basically what Mike suggested (but I didn't see that until I wrote the above!).

In each instance, it may not be the story you want to write, but each log line illustrates (better in Mike's case) that something is at stake.

As other people have mentioned, the stakes seem to be the only thing missing.