Leroy in the Shade (Dramedy)

[Ben]

Hi there,

I've been lurking on GITS for ages and thought I'd make my grand entrance with a logline for my current script attempt:

"Dramedy about an affable sunglasses salesman who copes with his banal existence by living in his own fantasy worlds until he discovers a pair of shades that allow him to see other people's fantasies, leading to a stint as a televangelist, and ultimately, the re-evaluation of his own life."

It's something along the lines of a Click / Bruce Almighty crossed with Everything Must Go. I'm 25 pages into the script and fairly happy with how it's turning out (mind you, for every new page I write I seem to end up re-writing two others).

I've got a thick skin, so comments most welcome.

Cheers
Ben

[brianhaas]

Welcome Ben! Glad you posted. I like the concept you state there. Strangely enough, I started (but never finished) a horror story about a kid who found a pair of glasses that let him see the opposite: the worst in everyone.

Anyway. Your logline expresses the main concept, but not the main conflict. What is at stake for our wayward salesman? What is his goal and what is standing in his way?

It's really not a bad start. That you have an interesting concept certainly helps. I just think you need to spell out the central conflict in your logline and I'm not quite seeing it.

Good luck!

-Brian

[Ben]

Thanks Brian - that same issue has been gnawing away at me for a while.

While I've got a great character arc lined up for Leroy, there just isn't enough of an end goal/dilemma spelled out up front to contextualize it properly. Anyway - if you've picked it up just from the logline, then it'll be a glaring chasm to readers/audiences.

Thanks for forcing me to have another think about it - several notes already appended to various scenes!

I'll keep working at it, and maybe resubmit a new logline in the coming weeks!

Cheers
Ben

[Julia]

Logline of yours has lots of potential.
This is a winner.
Good luck.

[brianhaas]

Jan 5, 2011 17:33:39 GMT -5 Ben said:

Thanks Brian - that same issue has been gnawing away at me for a while.

While I've got a great character arc lined up for Leroy, there just isn't enough of an end goal/dilemma spelled out up front to contextualize it properly. Anyway - if you've picked it up just from the logline, then it'll be a glaring chasm to readers/audiences.

Thanks for forcing me to have another think about it - several notes already appended to various scenes!

I'll keep working at it, and maybe resubmit a new logline in the coming weeks!

Cheers
Ben

Excellent, glad to hear it's sparked some new thoughts. I look forward to hearing what you come up with.

-Brian

[januaryfire]

Hey Ben,

I'd remove the genre to conserve worddage. Maybe something like this?

"An affable sunglasses salesman struggles to find meaning in his banal existence when he discovers a pair of shades that allows him to see other people's fantasies, tempting him to straddle the line between good and evil."

Just a suggestion. Not sure if that's the direction of your story. But I think if you have to tell the genre, the logline loses impact of the story.

Good luck.

[mscherer]

Ben,

I think Januaryfire is on the right track here. But first, let me wander off the reservation for a bit with some thoughts on loglines -- I know, you all have heard this a gazillion times before, but bear with me. And remember... this is only one man's opinion and opinions are like a** holes -- everybody has one ;D

A logline should identify, at a minimum, four things: The Protagonist with a flaw; The Antagonist; The Situation; The Stakes. In January’s logline we have a Protagonist, a Situation and potential Stakes (straddle the line between good and evil), but no Antagonist.

I suppose you could make the argument that the Antagonist is the Protagonist, but the description of affable does not imply this. Nor does it imply a character arc for the Protagonist -- affable is not a flaw. So let’s give that a shot:

When an ill-natured sunglass salesman discovers a pair of shades that allows him to see a person’s true nature, he struggles against the urge to use that knowledge for his own gain.

Not great, but I hope you get the idea.

Keep Writing!

[januaryfire]

That's what I was trying to suggest. Thanks mscherer for distilling further. Loglines are important and very tricky. Sometimes it's like they don't want to be written.

[Ben]

Thanks for the input everyone - most appreciated.

It's really helping me to consider where the line should be drawn between drama and comedy - how much weight to assign to each.

More thinking to be done, me thinks...