Untitled SciFi.

[dmedley]

Trying to get a handle on a logline for the new project:

Part of a desperate effort by the government to rebuild society after America falls to civil war amidst a war-torn world, a soldier in cryo oversleeps 150 years to wake up to a savage nation beaten back to a 19th century existence, and finds that the person responsible for the destruction of America has come along for the ride.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Regards.

[brianhaas]

Dec 20, 2010 21:23:46 GMT -5 dmedley said:

Trying to get a handle on a logline for the new project:

Part of a desperate effort by the government to rebuild society after America falls to civil war amidst a war-torn world, a soldier in cryo oversleeps 150 years to wake up to a savage nation beaten back to a 19th century existence, and finds that the person responsible for the destruction of America has come along for the ride.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Regards.

Sorry you haven't gotten any feedback yet. I'll dive in and give it a try.

I don't see the main conflict of the story in the log line. If you break down the main action in that sentence, it's that the dude wakes up. He wakes up to what? What is the problem? What does he have to do when he wakes up?

You spill the background, but not the actual story. I kinda like the background, but it tells me nothing about what is going to happen.

I think it would have to be something like this:

"A cryogenically frozen soldier wakes up to a post-apocalyptic America resembling the 1800s and must kill the man responsible for the destruction before he gains control of the country."

It's not perfect, by any means, and it doesn't get to the villain also going into cryo sleep, but it's more in line with what would be expected of a logline, I think. I hope that helps a bit.

-Brian

[dmedley]

Thanks for the input, much appreciated.

I'm trying to figure out a way to put in a little background while keeping it down to, at most, a couple of sentences.

Your input does give me another way to look at it.

Again, thanks.

[mscherer]

First, I like the gist of Brian’s logline. The only criticism I would have is the antagonist (the man responsible) is too generic. I would like to see the villain. Maybe something along the lines of ‘his deranged commanding officer’.

Also, I think post-apocalyptic America and the mention of the 1800s is redundant. A sophisticated reader will most likely think in those terms when they read, post-apocalyptic.

So, that said, here is my SWAG at this logline:

A cryogenically frozen soldier wakes up to a post-apocalyptic America only to discover he must track down and kill his deranged commanding officer before he gains control of the country.

One man’s opinion -- mileage may vary -- batteries not included.

[dmedley]

Thanks, Mike.

The main antagonist is a woman who was the leader of radical, anti-government insurgency. Maybe I should try to work that in?

Again, thanks for the input.

[opalmquist]

Newb here, so take the input with a hefty dose of salt.

I'm struck by the fact that the suggestions for modifications drastically reduce the wordcount in your logline. It seemed to me on first read that the length was an issue as well. Could be more punchy maybe? I mention only because it seems a few of your comments were leaning towards the "should I add more detail?" side of things (unless I'm misreading.)

The second thing that I noticed is that it's all plot and no character. In other words -- it seems more a plot summary rather than a hook to reel in potential readers. You clearly have a very detailed world/backstory/plot going on based on that first draft logline, and I can understand the hesitancy to lose that detail just for the sake of brevity. As alluded to by other posters, maybe what you're missing is the not the 'what' of the story but the 'who'. We just know "soldier". But who is this soldier? A soldier who doesn't want to fight? A bloodthirsty killer whose slate has been wiped clean because he woke up in the future? A faceless grunt desperate to get back to his wife in Alabama only to find she's been dead for two centuries?

You're treading on ground that has been walked a few times before (cryosleep, post-apocalyptic, etc). I think rather than trying to hook people with the fact that it's set in a pseudo 1880s (which is totally cool BTW) that maybe doesn't jump off the page I would hook them in with why your character is worth spending two hours with.

Again, just my thoughts -- feel free to delete at will.

-O