Time! - Comedy/Drama

[Sean Z P Harris]

Here's a logline I'm trying to work out for a script I'm working on at the moment:

On the eve of the cities big football derby, timid barmaid, Isabel Bloom (29), faces the shift from hell when she is left to run a pub that has been double booked for a birthday party and wake.

But will she live long enough to call time when her past decides to drop by for a drink?


Any thoughts?

[Jeff Messerman]

Sean,

While it reads FAR from what a "proper" logline is supposed to read, I love your concept, sounds like a pretty hectic and amusing character piece. Go forth and start drafting young man!

Jeff

[Sean Z P Harris]

Already one step ahead, my good man. I'm just writing up the first draft from a 140 page treatment. By the way, I don't recommend working from long treatments, if you can. Far easier to work from a 20 page outline, or so I've discovered.

[Sean Z P Harris]

Dec 20, 2010 11:52:18 GMT -5 Jeff Messerman said:

Sean,

it reads FAR from what a logline is supposed to read

Any tips on how I should fix this? Should it be more like:

A timid barmaid is forced to face her past in a life and death struggle on the same evening the pub is double booked for a birthday party and wake.

Kinda makes it sound like the whole story is a life and death struggle when that element only kicks in in the 3rd act.

[brianhaas]

Sean, I'll take a crack at it.

The problem is you don't really state your central conflict in the screenplay. As stated, yes, the main conflict appears to be the life or death angle, but the logline contains no information as to why her job as a barmaid suddenly turns deadly.

What we need, in general, is your protagonist stated, with the central conflict, any main obstacles/villain and what the protagonist must do. Your logline should spell out the entire conceit of your story, including what is at stake for the protagonist. No "hinting" at stuff, this is supposed to entice agents/managers/prodcos that your story is worth it.

The other thing is, it should probably give some sense of what genre it is. If it's at all comedic, it should probably describe a funny situation.

Oh yes, and try to do it all in one sentence, if possible.

I'm seriously starting to believe that loglines are like haiku. Every word must be perfect.

[Sean Z P Harris]

Thanks Brian for taking the time (no pun intended) to comment.

You are, of course, completely right. Even as I was writing the log line I knew it didn't state the central conflict, which, as it turns out, is between Isabel and the person whose birthday party it is - Roxanne.

Roxanne, now a semi-successful writer, is Isabel's old nemesis from university. Iz hasn't seen her for 10 years but she seems hell bent on destroying Iz by orchestrating a series of unfortunate events which culminates in the unforeseen life and death struggle.

The question is: why is she doing it?

Of course, that's not the only question. What is at stake for Iz?

She want's to run the pub (bought by her deceased mother) when her father retires in a few months time, but he doesn't believe she's up to the task, and Iz can't stand the thought of the pub being ran by anyone outside her family.

When the double booking occurs and her father is unexpectedly called away, he tells Iz that if she can handle that evening well he will let her run the pub when he leaves. She is determined to prove that she's up to the task. And then all hell breaks loose.

So, just need to condense that explanation by about 90%, and then perhaps I'll be on the right track.

[mydoggeorge]

I'll give this a go -

A Barmaid hungry to take over the family business, is given the opportunity to do just that, but the timing is wrong when she is confronted with a nemesis from her past who is hell bent on destroying her.

Not sure if that gives everything it needs but it may be a good start...

[Sean Z P Harris]

Thanks MDG. I think it is a good start. I have had another crack, but don't know if it's too much like my first effort at the top of the page:


It's the eve of the cities big football derby, and a timid barmaid desperate to take over the family business, is given a golden opportunity to prove her worth when she is unexpectedly left to run a pub that has been double booked for a birthday party and wake.

But will she succeed when a nemeses from her past chooses this particular evening to resurface and rep destruction?


Is the party/wake too much information? Also, I start the second line with "But will she succeed" which is kind of a left over from an exercise I did in which you create a starting line up sentence (line 1= character, predicament, objective, line 2 = opponent and disaster). Should I try and loose this?

[brianhaas]

Dec 23, 2010 14:31:40 GMT -5 Sean Z P Harris said:

Thanks MDG. I think it is a good start. I have had another crack, but don't know if it's too much like my first effort at the top of the page:


It's the eve of the cities big football derby, and a timid barmaid desperate to take over the family business, is given a golden opportunity to prove her worth when she is unexpectedly left to run a pub that has been double booked for a birthday party and wake.

But will she succeed when a nemeses from her past chooses this particular evening to resurface and rep destruction?


Is the party/wake too much information? Also, I start the second line with "But will she succeed" which is kind of a left over from an exercise I did in which you create a starting line up sentence (line 1= character, predicament, objective, line 2 = opponent and disaster). Should I try and loose this?

It's still quite wordy at this point, I'd say.

What about something like this (and pardon me for killing off her dad, but I thought it would be an interesting twist, I can't help but meddle in people's stories when I help work on a logline):

"A timid barmaid desperate to take over the family pub gets her wish on the very night it's double booked for the birthday party of her lifelong rival and the wake of her father who ran the place."

It's short and simple and has some good comedy and drama built in, I'd say. I'm partial to killing off dad as opposed to sending him away (it adds to the dramatic and comedic potential of the double booking), but that's me

I fail to see what makes the football derby so central to the plot that it requires mention in the logline, so I'd drop it. Either way, you should be able to condense it into one sentence with little trouble, I think.

I'm beginning to believe that if a writer can't condense a logline into a single sentence, the story is probably a bit too messy to write.

-Brian

[Sean Z P Harris]

Thanks Brian.

Indeed, still too wordy as you say. I guess there’s always the temptation to try and cram in to much.

Killing off her father is an interesting take on things, and something I’ll consider in the re-write, but it would mean a major overhaul of the story as a whole.

An element I’ve not mentioned so far is the fact that the party is being held for her arch rival, so one of the parties already has a direct effect on our heroine.

Basically, her nemesis has planed Iz’s downfall and wants to be there to see it first hand (hence the party), but the wake is an element she did not figure into her plans.

The derby thing. I just remember reading at Wordplayer.com that you should always be thinking of the off-screen film, as it were, and the derby does come very much into the story towards the end (and during – the pub is a major watering hole for one of the teams. Guess what set of fans enter the pub towards the end?)

All things for me to think about!

[mscherer]

Sean,

I like Brian’s take on this. By reading the logline you can SEE the conflict and SEE the story. Very cool.

But, my concerns are these: are the stakes high enough? Okay, Isabelle wants to keep the pub in the family -- a noble ambition. But.... what’s the worse thing that will happen if she doesn’t? Will the audience really care? And how does success (or failure) determine the pub stays in the family any way? Also, how did it come about that her rival books the pub for her party on the same night as Isabelle’s father’s wake?

Just thinking out loud.

[Sean Z P Harris]

Thanks for thinking out loud, Mike!

You're right about stakes not being noticeably high, and this is something that has bothered me since I finished the story.

One of reasons this came about (or didn't as the case maybe) was because of the way I wrote the story. I just dived clean in and kept going in a prose style until I'd thrashed out the story 140 pages later.

The tension mounts through out until the pub literally explodes at the beginning of act 3. I think I concentrated on mounting tension too much, and didn't even think of Iz's personal stakes other than she is a gifted writer, hiding from the world in this pub, due to something that happened between her and her nemesis years ago at university.

Due to an incident that happens a week before the story takes place, Isabella's father decides to sell the pub and doesn't want Iz to run it - he thinks he's protecting her (makes sense in the story). The pub belonged to her deceased mother, so she can't bare to loose it.

At the moment, her father isn't dead. Isabella's nemesis has planned her downfall quite intricately - the only thing she didn't figure in was the double booking.

But you're right, Mike - not sure if the stakes are high enough for Iz.

My mind keeps thinking of films in which the stakes aren't that high for the protagonist, but I feel this is just a part of my mind trying to justify the story as is. Need to battle through that.

Thanks again for the insight Mike - and Brian!

[marc]

I think the stakes are okay. I mean she wants to keep the pub in the family, her father is reluctant and Roxanne wants to bring her down (even kill her). If battling your own Darth Vader whilst serving beer and snacks to birthday guests, moaning relatives and a bunch of crazy football fans (it's England, lads, these blokes are nuts when it comes to football) doesn't sound like high (and very funny) stakes, then I don't know.

My take on the logline would be something like this:

Timid barmaid Isabel must prove her worth to take over the family's pub from her unwilling father when she is left to run it on her own
(at the eve of the cities big football derby), on which it is double booked for a wake and her old rivals own birthday party (who is about to plan Isabels downfall).

The terms in brackets I wasn't sure about. Makes it longish.

I always had to think of "Death At A Funeral" when I read this abstract of the story. I see great potential for humor there and am looking forward for when you are posting the first draft for review

[Sean Z P Harris]

Thanks Marc! I hope you find it entertaining when it's finished.

I think one of the defining factors when I started out on this story was the fact that I was so in love with the film, Clerks.

I'm sure you've all seen it. What would you say they stakes are for Dante? You can see how, with that film in mind, I didn't initially concentrate on the high stakes factor.

Isabella, like Dante, is someone going to waste in dead end job.

I guess I have to decide if I should beef up the initial stakes, or continue as is.