Struggling with this one...

[attatt]

(Unnamed Horror Project)
"On the plane ride to a state of the art treatment facility, two dangerously schizophrenic 9 year old girls reveal that physically releasing their hallucinations is the only way out of their disease."

This isn't quite hitting the spot with me.

The plane ride part is critical because it communicates that everyone will be trapped on a plane with 2 little girls whose terrifying hallucinations are coming to life.

The girls are co-protagonists in the story as they attempt to overcome their common illness and its negative affects on their lives.

My story is based on their plan to release the hallucinations on the plane for a number of reasons.

Comments?

[thiagodaher]

hello attatt.

first of all, i love the concept for this story. very confined, yet these hallucinations can give you all the room you need for creativity.

the biggest problem with the logline, imho, is that it gives away what will probably happen in the story all the way through. by physically releasing their hallucinations, the girls will be cured. i feel i know how it ends. even if it's not the case, by reading the logline i get that impression.

they're both nine years old, so it looks like they're best friends, sisters or even more, twins. i know you don't mention this, but once again, it kinda came up while reading it - i immediately thought "creepy twins".

so if you could just find a way to say that these two girls will accidentally release their hallucinations in the real world in an attempt to fight their common illness, but trying not to mention that it's their only way out. and when i say accidentally, i mean - because it's in-flight and they seem like nice girls that wouldn't do that on purpose. it just happens in the airplane (for the sake of the movie).

i hope my opinion is not too confusing. i would really like to read this script.

best, thiago.

[heyzeus7]

Hi attatt,

I see this working as a mystery-horror piece: very strange/horrifying things start to happen on a plane flight, and only gradually do the passenger-protagonists piece together the truth that these happenings are being realized by the schizophrenic girls. And try to think of something surprising that has to happen in order to cure them. Straightforward catharsis ("It's ok, just let it all out") is a bit too obvious.

But I do like the story idea and the setting. I travel frequently on planes and the confined space definitely fires the imagination.

[attatt]

Thanks, both.
The script has gone a couple different ways so far and I have not been able to settle on one yet.
I also see the confinement of air travel to be potentially horrifying. When I first began writing the script, I focused on having the girls plan this endeavor. We know something is coming, but when it is unleashed, it is far beyond anything one would imagine and the girls have less control than they expected.
The flip side is writing this from a passenger perspective like heyzeus7's idea of passenger/protagonists, but I have not really worked that out yet. I dont have an angle that I like yet.


What would you say to the logline knowing that the girls do it on purpose as a primary plotline and leaving the ending open so we dont know if they make it or not?

[thiagodaher]

personally, i would like it better if the girls didn't know they would release the hallucinations on purpose. if i was watching a movie (or reading a logline, or a script) and knew that they intended to do that, it immediately would add a whole new dimension to the evilness of these girls that i would want explained - why would they do that? who really are these girls? is there someone controlling then? who are they working for (in a supernatural kinda way)? about the ending, well - i'd like to see a locked down ending for a change. i feel that somehow the open ending is getting quite annoying in an attempt for a sequel or i don't know what else, specially in horror stories.

but as always, i'm just one guy, and i could be wrong. take it lightly.

cheers mate.

[teamcoco]

You would have to make the girls evil or under control of some other force. I would be extremely impressed if you could make them sympathetic for releasing their hallucinations on unsuspecting airplane passengers deliberately!

I would remove the word reveal from the logline. You dont mention who they reveal it to. Maybe 'discover' or as others have suggested, change it so it is accidental.

[mscherer]

Very cool concept… sort of The Omen meets Die Hard, only on a plane.

Here is my measly two-cents worth ….

A naive psychiatrist escorts two schizophrenic nine-year-old girls on a flight to a high security treatment center only to discover his charges have the ability to unleash their hallucinations on their physical world.

I think something along those lines would serve you much better...

Keep Writing!

[attatt]

mscherer, great go at the logline. I dont know that I want to go exactly there, but you and teamcoco have put me on to a great shift for this story. will be back with a draft soon