Wildhorse - drama

[dmedley]

I've just competed a 4th draft of this and still haven't come up with a logline I like. Here's my latest attempt:

In the Depression era West, a young man with a violent family history struggles to build a life and keep the family farm from being stolen by a brutal land baron and comes face to face with his biggest enemy – himself.

Any help or ideas would be hugely appreciated.

Daniel

[mscherer]

dmedley,

This is a tough nut to crack, especially not having read the script, but it seems to me there are two stories going on here:

1. The young man’s struggle to keep the family farm.
2. The young man’s struggle with himself.

Now, most protagonists go through an arc during a film so I don’t think the logline needs ‘...and comes face to face with his biggest enemy -- himself’. That said, the young man certainly needs a flaw and that flaw should be the one thing he struggles against to complete his arc. So, here would be my take -- and please remember I have not read the script so this may be light-years from how your story plays out.

In the Depression Era west a young alcoholic battles a brutal land baron for possession of the family farm.

I think the key to improving this logline can be summed up in one word: simplify.

Keep Writing!

[dmedley]

mscherer:

Thanks very much for the input. You've hit the nail on the head with the two stories. The struggle with himself is his propensity for violence. It's a sort of "family trait" that is demonstrated in a vague backstory going back to his grandfather who murdered the land baron's father. The reputation of the murderous event so many years ago has carried through to influence events in this story. But, of course, I don't want to literally spell that out in a logline.

Your suggestion is excellent, I just wish he were an alcoholic:)

My original intent was: In the Depression Era west, a young man struggles to keep the family farm from a brutal land baron.

Although that is the story in a very broad sense, it is much more complex than that and not as cliche as it sounds.

I suppose I could go with something like: In the Depression Era west, a troubled young man battles a brutal land baron for possession of the family farm or something like that.

Or, perhaps: In the Depression Era west, a young man battles his family's history and a brutal land baron for possession of the family farm.

Either way, this dilemma is going to keep me awake tonight.

Again, thanks.