POW: December 12, 2010 - Raven Mocker

[mscherer]

Alrightie, then. No one bit the bullet and offered up one of their scripts for this week's POW Consequently, and against my better judgment, I will once again put up on of my earlier scripts.

Raven Mocker is my second script ever and, before this morning, I have not looked at it in years. I gave it a quick once over and offer it up for your reading pleasure/displeasure

Logline: A young psychic must defeat a vengeful spirit that is murdering her relatives one by one before she becomes the next victim.

Enjoy!

Attachments:

[openup]

Downloaded it. Will take a look in the days to come!

[openup]

Hey mscherer!

Sorry I couldn't post this earlier... I read the script a few days ago, just had some things going on.

As usually, I'm an amateur in this, so... Forgive me in advance, if my points are a little vague, and hazy. I'm trying.

I'm a sucker for gritty, and grim stories. And "Raven Mocker" was one. But... I don't think the concept worked for it. I'll try to explain what I mean, right away.

You got an awesome Indian Legend/Story backing this up. One that is actually, frightening! As I read this, to be honest, I couldn't stop thinking about Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow, and... The X-Files (there are a lot of episodes in the show, that deal with Indian curses, and legends. One that I remember well, was the Second Season's finale, and the Third Season's pilot. "Raven Mocker" reminded me of them).

Despite the fact that I enjoy mysteries, and serial killer stories, from an "investigation" POV, I felt that here, it doesn't work as well. It felt a bit "TV"; another episode of the X-Files, and... It shouldn't be! There is a lot of potential in the story. For example, make the world of the Raven Mocker come to life! Make us see it, explore it! Remember those moments, in "Sleepy Hollow", with the tree, and the corpses in it..? Now, there was something similar going on here, with the graves, but in Tim Burton's movie, the whole thing was soaked with the Headless Rider's legend. You lived it! Here, I didn't... And I wanted to. Very much! Because, as I told you, the concept is exciting!

This is my biggest problem with it. One that held me back from enjoying the screenplay...

Another thing: the characters. Especially Jennifer. She's one of your "non-believers that sees bad dreams and in the end turns out to believe, and save the day". It wouldn't hurt to add a little more depth to her, and make her stand out. Dreams, and nightmares, despite the fact that I mentioned them, are totally cool! But here, again, it would be awesome if, for example, she visited the world of the Raven Mocker in those dreams, and not just the murder of the Indian. Again, it fits, but it could have been a lot more.

And one last thing: the family. Remember the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo? What a rich, and diverse family Larsson created? Here, you have something similar going on. It would be nice to take advantage of it.

I'm not used to posting such messages, but I really felt like the story could be very exciting, and deep, if some of the details were more fleshed out!

I apologize, if I said something abruptly. I didn't mean to, really... All this, it could be just me... So, I'm just sharing my thoughts with you.

As always, thanks for the read! Despite what I said, it's nice reading your work! The way you write. Being a foreigner, I always write down words, and expressions that I don't know... ;D

Looking forward to more of your work!

[mscherer]

Openup,

Thanks for taking time to read Raven Mocker -- much appreciated.

All your points are well taken and insightful. If, or when, I decide to do a rewrite you can be sure I will have your comments in mind.

Thanks again and always,

Keep Writing!