POW: November 28, 2010 - Mr. Invention

[mscherer]

Finally..... someone with the testecular fortitude to offer up one of their babies. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you ;D

Seriously, here is the latest POW along with the logline(s):

logline -
MR. INVENTION - An Infomercial Guru's life is broken and he sinks into despair until a chain of events forces him to reevaluate his life.
or...
MR. INVENTION - An Infomercial Genius soaks his worries away in alcohol until he's caught up in a scheme from some unlikely individuals.
They are not the best loglines...

Keep Reading and Writing!

[marc]

Where can I download it? :/

[mscherer]

Oooops!! My bad -- color me RED

For your reading pleasure:

Attachments:

[waltkurtz]

Oh boy... here we go.

Mark,

I usually try to start by exploring the positive qualities of a piece of work and then delve into areas I believe need work.

Mr. Invention is really too rough in too many ways for me to follow this approach.

I suppose if I were to sum up this movie I would describe it as a farce ala Home Alone with a pathetic adult as the protagonist instead of an adorable and resourceful child. If you'd like a silver lining, I'd say a movie about a guy who makes schlocky inventions and hawks them on TV and finds himself held hostage in his house needing to use his inventions to save himself is a premise that could be quite amusing. Unfortunately, that is not the premise here.

To start:

1) Grammatically, it's riven with typos. So many, I gave up trying to catalog them for you.

2) None of the characters are believable or even logical. Hal is kidnapped but never tries to escape despite numerous opportunities. Chet somehow steals Hal's job despite the fact that he has no apparent ability to create inventions. Peggy is a whore with not a single redeeming value so why would Hal be bummed she left him for Chet? The three stooge criminals are utterly one dimensional. One of them is fat and farts a lot, another is skinny and dumber than the other two (that's saying something) and the last is a woman. Other than wanting money, these characters have no reason for existence. It would make no difference if there were two of them or even one. The boss fires his star to hire a guy who fucks the stars wife? Why? I could go on, but you get the point.

3) There is no story. This is so because your protag has nothing he's going after. He should drive your story and yet he lets life happen to him. Hal should want something. Maybe to earn back his crown as the great inventor or crush his former employer, but your choice to make him feckless and weak does great harm to your story.

4) The result of having a protagonist without a goal is that the movie has no where to go. You have scenes like the kidnapping that take twenty pages and only reiterate again and again that there's no money in the house. The same can be said for the close to twenty pages when the police arrive and nothing happens.

5) The set up for the picture is problematic. Is this a movie about a guy who loses his wife and job and must reclaim his identity. Or is it about a kidnapping and robbery? It never chooses a path and goes down it, so the end result is a picture where everything that happens feels arbitrary.

6) The dialog is often repetitive and needs to be sharpened up if humor is what you're after. By the way, creating fully fleshed out characters with real lives and needs will go a long way to helping you make this picture funnier. Fart jokes and three stooges antics are stale cliches.

7) You're missing a chance at comic gold with the inventions Hal is responsible for. Few are detailed and none work themselves into the plot in any meaningful way. In the end, when he creates an elixer that cleans stains and takes years off your life it is completely unbelievable. An invention like that could be the basis of an entire film and is certainly more significant than the throw-off quality you give it here.

8) Finally, I think you need to ask yourself what kind of movie you want to make. What films do you think this picture is like? Do you like these characters? Do you want them to succeed or fail and why? What are you trying to say thematically? These are basic starting points that will yield huge benefits if you answer them honestly and pursue them thoughtfully.

I hope you don't find this review too discouraging. It would be a waste of my time and yours to lie. This needs a lot of work. But that's what writing is... rewriting.

Finally, pat yourself on the back. You've started and finished a screenplay. Now it's up to you to make it everything it can be.

Walt

[mydoggeorge]

waltkurtz - Thank you for the read. Thank you for being brutally honest. Frankly - it's what I need.

I am going to address some things that you had commented on. Just to be aware this is a first draft that I finished and I know needs work.

I am just going to go down the list of numbers you have and just put a comment next to each - to maybe have you understand why I wrote it the way I did.

1. - I agree about the typos. I did not go through the screenplay before handing it off to Mike.
2. - Hal is a beaten down guy who really could care less about living at the second point in the story where we meet him. Chet steals Hal's job because he's the boss of Hal and indicates to Jack that he's losing his touch and they need to get rid of him. I agree that Bubba, Dooby and Wanda may be one dimensional. I tried to make them have a purpose, but it may have gotten lost along the line.
3. - The story is that Hal loses everything in his life, but for some strange reason (the three stooges) he finds a meaning to change his state of despair and have a purpose. The purpose is not totally known until Chet comes into play with Hal's ex-wife wanting a new invention. Hal quickly realizes that this is his ticket - he can make a new invention - he can become what he was before, only better and without a whore of a wife. The other point that Hal realizes is that the three stooges are not necessarily bad, they're just misguided. He helps them better themselves by bettering himself.
4. - I agree with the action scene being dragged out. I will change that up in the next draft. I was trying to make this a limited set screenplay.
5. - I will bring it in one direction and keep it there. Either robbery or kidnapping.
6. - Definitely agree dialogue needs to be gone over and revised - no question about that.
7. - I am going to take your comments about the inventions and wrap them into the screenplay - you are absolutely correct.

Thank you again for giving this a read. I appreciate the candid feedback and will use these notes and revise and re-write.

[waltkurtz]

Mark,

Please do take my comments in the spirit they were intended - constructively. I think you have the seed of a really commercial comedy here. As you've no doubt read on this site and others, Hollywood is looking for the "same but different". That's what this could be. Home Alone with an adult. The main character, Hal, has a great set up. It's original, his being an inventor of miracle TV products. And you can use the products he's invented to help him save himself. I just think you need to expand on your characters.

For example, if Hal had been a great inventor who created one of the best selling products of all time, but has created a bunch of bombs recently, that could explain his troubles at work and imbue him with self doubt. If his wife turns out to be cheating on him with his chief competitor even better. Perhaps when the movie begins he's working on the invention that's going to bring him back to the top, but the prototype fails and he gets canned.

Now you introduce the criminals who break into his house and threaten to kill him if he doesn't turn over the loot (which he doesn't have) and he must use his failed inventions to outwit them (proving their worth) with the added complication that his wife and Chet break in to try and steal the plans for his latest invention because Chet has figured out that it's his best bet to impress the boss at work and voila, you have a story and a strong second act. Then for the third act, Hal figures out what's wrong with his latest prototype, he bags his wife and Chet, foils the criminals and restores his luster. That's a movie.

I could easily see Tim Allen playing a role like this and Disney making it.

Anyway, that's my two cents. Can't wait to read the second draft.

Walt

[mydoggeorge]

Walt -
Thank you for the comments. I do appreciate them. You have given me valuable insight into what needs to change.

I will go back to the writing board and do another outline and see what I come up with and then work it from there. Thanks again.
Mark