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Post by ryancito on Nov 17, 2010 21:44:03 GMT -5
AFTER BEING SENT TO PRISON FOR THE MURDER OF HIS WIFE’S KILLER, A YOUNG MAN UNDERGOES AN EXPERIMENTAL PROCEDURE IN ORDER TO RECEIVE EARLY RELEASE. UPON FINISHING THE REMAINDER OF HIS TIME, HE BEGINS TO HAVE LUCID NIGHTMARES THAT HINT BOTH HIS WIFE AND HER MURDERER MAY STILL BE ALIVE.
COVERS the protag the antag and the conflict...any critique much appreciated...cheers
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Post by mscherer on Nov 19, 2010 9:34:57 GMT -5
ryancito,
Wow, these are totally different. I have already commented on the first in another post. As for the second….
Protagonist: young man
Antagonist: unknown
Situation: undergoes an experimental procedure; begins to have lucid nightmares that hint both his wife and her murderer may still be alive.
Stakes: unknown
As you can clearly see we still don’t have an antagonist nor do we have stakes. Who cares if the protagonist has nightmares? Not the audience.
Maybe something along the lines:
A disturbed young man, falsely accused of killing his wife, wakes from an experimental procedure to discover the lines between reality and fantasy have vanished and believes his wife is actually alive and out to kill him.
Just planting a seed – you must harvest the crop.
Keep Writing!
Ps. As a matter of form… in the future please don’t write your loglines all in CAPS. Thanks.
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Post by ryancito on Nov 19, 2010 17:01:55 GMT -5
cheers thanks for the input...
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marc
Full Member
Posts: 133
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Post by marc on Nov 20, 2010 21:05:36 GMT -5
For me it seems that the murderer of his wife might be the antagonist. At last he supposedly killed the guy. He might be in the guy's bad books, which might serve as stakes?
But ryancito, the updated version is a lot better. I could have never imagined that plot from the first logline. The second one hooked me more. I think there is just that little piece of information missing that really will make people want to see this.
So I voted "inbetween" for the time being.
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