Hey Anna,
Here are some thoughts I wrote as I read. Hope they are helpful, but take them with a grain of salt, I'm by no means an expert.
Pg 7 - give us Steve's reaction as well as the info that Grandma Peg walks out.
Pg 9 - Since you're cutting between a guy and a girl, we know that this probably means they will end up together. So you want to
have obstacles that aren't easy to get rid of. In this scene, I didn't really register why Daniel was exhausted and so I thought his
lines pointed to a a fault (not paying attention to her or something) that would provide an easy excuse to sever Claudia's relationship
obstacle. Perfect boyfriend is also kind of a typical obstacle, but if you manage to make their relationship have some true emotion
behind it within the next 15-20 pages, it should be great.
*COMING BACK WHEN AT PAGE 52: okay so yeah, having him exhausted is great and prevents the scene from being boring, but if
you could just go through again and make sure every word is having the effect you want, I think that would be helpful.***
Pg 11 - maybe rephrase the montage points? The joke didn't hit me as hard as it could have.
Pg 19 - Not a fan of the funyons and getting stuck in the vending machine. It's a way too obvious: *aww they're gonna bond over a
vending machine snack they both like awww*
Pg 21 - I didn't really buy her stakes -- is this situation bad enough for her to ask for Joe's help of all people? Maybe have her
struggle for a while longer and then yell for help for a while before Joe finally hears and peeks out. At that point she's desperate
enough.
Maybe a good way to do it is... her chips don't come out. She shakes the machine. Nothing. She looks at it.
Cut to: Joe, playing a beautiful song. We think we hear cries, but Joe's oblivious. blah blah. Then BANG BANG. His playing stops for
a moment, then continues. BANG BANG again. He goes and looks.
This way, any amount of time can have passed and we can buy her desperation.
Pg 29 - O shit.
NICE! This scene built up beautifully. YOU GOT ME!
Pg 32 - lol the opposite of Y the Last Man haha
Pg 35 - he can go backward? maybe he sees Claudia and then decides to go forward?
Pg 41 - Lose some of the examples of what he could have. Cut 1-2 pages.
Pg 41 - Interesting choice on Sapphire's response. It would become more interesting if you had also intercut a little bit into her life
as well as between Claudia and Joe in the beginning. Make her seem like a viable love interest in terms of the story because you're
giving her some attention.
Pg 45 - Starlene and Sapphire... I don't know why but I get those two names interchanged. Can Starlene be changed to something
else? Also, I never really registered the names of the bodyguards. Their introductions could use some work.
Pg 46 - I've been losing interest. I think you can lose a lot of these earlier scenes and combine them to get the effect you're going
for. At this point, I can see what's going to happen in the end and the journey doesn't seem that interesting. This is the danger with
the high concept stuff - the scenes feel obligatory as you take the obvious steps, but the audience can think ahead much faster than
you can show on the screen.
This is something that I thought the film Moon by Duncan Jones handled extremely well. After seeing the trailer, I knew right away
what the conceit of the movie was (which made my viewing experience a bit less than ideal to be honest), but what I LOVED about
that movie was that the characters figured out what I figured out very very early without much beating around the bush. Thus, I was
saved of an hour of damn, they still haven't figured it out. While that may make sense in the movies universe, it can be boring for the
audience.
*SPOILER ALERT* The concept behind Moon is that the lunar mining station is manned by clones who all die right before they think
they will get to go back to Earth. The main character finds one of his clones. Rather than spending much time figuring out the
meaning of the word clone, the characters say "You're my clone aren't you?" or something like that. *END SPOILERS*
Pg 51 - The scenes from when Claudia opens the closet and finds Daniel's clothes to the ones in the TV room are what I've been
waiting for. I wish this happened earlier.
Pg 53 - Love the "I really liked her, too" line. The joke would pop more if you gave Claudia's reaction here. Jokes are usually made off
reactions. Also like the Grandma/Lebanese bit here.
Pg 57 - Vivian's popped up two and a half timessignificantly, but I can't place her... Is she one of the five bodyguards? Is she the
TV/reporter contact? If she's important, can you give her the only "V" name and make her introduction more solid?
Pg 58 - Ah I see you give an explanation for the sperm bank scenario. I feel like maybe this story should be in one of the news
flashes earlier, to hush the audience who will have been thinking this for 30 minutes otherwise.
Had a couple laughs here and there. Not a huge fan of the Claudia teaching Joe about dating stuff. Sapphire doesn't seem like a
legitimate threat to the happiness you're setting up for Claudia and Joe.
Pg 73 - Feminist is great
Pg 87 - Hasn't it only been like a week or two since Claudia lost her fiance?
Pg 88 - Vivian's line "I know, honey. I know. But it's not that bad." This is one point where I think a (BEAT) or an action line dividing
the dialogue will help the "But it's not so bad" becomes a bigger punchline (in the reader's mind).
Pg 92 - Oh, hey Sapphire's not so bad? Well this info would have been much much more useful early on because it would generate
tension in every scene with Joe and Claudia.
man, I'm getting antsy, I just realized that there's 118 pages in this script. I guess it's my ADD kicking in, but I would have loved this to be 90-100. I feel like a lot of scenes are superfluous and could be combined with others to get your intent across. This will also force you to keep only the VERY VERY best material, which would elevate your script.
WHEN THE MEN RETURN - ooo cool, glad Daniel is back.
DONE
Well, cool.
The end doesn't really leave me aglow and all that, but I think you have the makings of a great script here. I wouldn't go so far as the other posters above, but I think you do have some work to do. If I picked two broad areas to work on, it would be:
1) Making it shorter and making every page/scene do the work of 2 or 3 pages/scenes. Maybe an argument in favor of this is this scenario. Your movie gets made. They cut a trailer. What happens in the trailer? ALL THE MEN ARE GONE! The audience is hooked and come to the theater. And they sit for 30 minutes, 1/4 of your current movie, waiting for what they know will happen.
I know, I know, I'd much rather prefer audiences come in with no expectations and are in your full control from the moment the lights dim to when the credits roll, but maybe the men should disappear at pg 20? pg 12? pg 24 at the latest?
2) Making me buy the ending. It just sort of happens right now. It's sort of inevitable. And the conflict at the end is born through the existing relationships between Sapphire and Joe and Claudia and Daniel. And only the Claudia and Daniel relationship has any strength, and even then, (because this is a movie) we know Claudia is gonna choose Joe at the end. So for 30 pages, again, we are just waiting for it to happen.
If we like the characters, you can do whatever you want at the end. But I believe that only applies for like the last 5-10 minutes, if I remember the Spielberg quote correctly.
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Okay, I hope that helps. I'd say Oz's post above hits the mark far more than the others. I think she has concisely stated the issues and handled it far better than I probably did in my sprawling page by page reactions. Mike missed the entire fantastical setup, but again, that's partially your fault for not having it happen sooner and not keeping his interest. Anyway, I think this is pretty good, but there's room for improvement.
Good luck!
L
