Boomslang!

[Jeff Messerman]

How dare you, Mike, post such a tantalizing logline and NOT put up a link to the script?!

[mscherer]

I apologize fo rthe confusion -- the script did not upload and I couldn't figure out how to do it after posting....

For your viewing pleasure -- at least I hope you enjoy

Logline: An alcoholic ex-Marine, prone to blackouts, is arrested for murder and after being shown a video proving he is the killer, escapes to learn the truth.

www.sendspace.com/file/vyi4f4

Keep Writing!

Attachments:

[mscherer]

Script has been uploaded -- see previous post.

Thanks.

[oz]

Hi Mike

Read the script and really, REALLY enjoyed it.

What I liked:

-terrific pacing. Crisp, active writing with no dragging or slow moments.
-wonderful plotting. Usually, as writers, we get a feel for what could happen next and I never saw your turns coming. Okay, well, maybe a couple times but really, good stuff : )
-really authentic dialogue for every character
-strong, poetic writing for the scene descriptions and action lines :
--...a man caressing his lover's thigh
...dares him to be stupid
...Barney fife nervous
...urban prairie dog
...students clog outdoor cafes
...rhythmic thump of wobbly ceiling fan//some of my favorites : )
-nice touch when Derek & Tuck blow up the van they stole!
-lol moment when Tuck says "dogs love me" because you KNOW what's coming and you can't wait to see it BUT YOU make us wait with the damn Chihuahua! Beautiful.
-shattering aquariums as a weapon--nice.

What I didn't like:
--I had a problem with Kelly not completely freaking out when Derek rescues her. She just saw him kill people and accost her with a gun. Why would it not require something more from him for her to do as he says? That lost some cred for me.
--why didn't the venom work and disable Derek? I thought perhaps he'd taken some anti-venom earlier and I missed it (forgot) but scanned back and didn't see it. Still possible I missed/forgot but if not, the fact that he spits a few times doesn't seem like it's enough to counteract the venom and allow him the strength necessary for those high energy scenes that follow.

Couple of typos---pg 69 @ Addler's dialogue, Can PROVE
pg 92 on Russle's scars RED and thick

Overall, what a ride, Mike! And a great visual story and really tight. On a morning when I should have been working on my pages, it was a wonderful distraction. Thanks! Good luck to you.

[mscherer]

Oz,

Thanks for the kind words and pointing out the typos -- I confess that typos are my Achilles Heel -- can't see the forest for the trees kind of thing.

Also, I will try to clarify why Jack isn't affected by the venom -- doesn't swallow, spits it out. I’ll fix that Kelly person too

Thanks again and,

Keep Writing!

[oz]

I'm pretty sure we're all affected with the typo problem. Isn't it always shocking after you've spent months and countless drafts on a script to have someone point one out? You've looked at the damn thing a thousand times, word for word but it just escapes you. Crazy.

[dwight]

Mike, gave this a read... and all i can say "good lawd"!! this was excellent. Great pacing, excellent plot, an excellent action movie. I see this being made, all you need is just one star to spearhead it, that's all. Solid characters, entertaining moments, explosions, snakes!

This is the second script of yours i've read. And I love your quick and tight flow. You did an excellent job of incorporating characters. I knew who everyone one was. Loved the Burnap character, excellent use.

The only thing that made me double take was the Title. Starting to read i have no idea what a boomslang was. So i can see people lost with the title, but very easily taken care of if a preview consisted of the scene explaining the bullets being coated, or a logline mention.

A very strong piece. If i was a producer i'd throw a lot of money at this.

*other GITS readers, this a good example for an Action Spec... I encourage the read!

Keep Writing (Awesomely), Mike!