POW: November 7, 2010 - Urbanity

[mscherer]

The author of this screenplay writes:

'... I'd like to figure out how to improve the story in any way I can. I feel it still lags a bit in the middle, and I'm concerned that my most recent revision (to give more depth to the antagonist) has somehow taken away from the story's heart.

Can you folks help?

Here is this week's pick -- Urbanity -- for your reading pleasure:
www.sendspace.com/file/wm3b2d

Keep Reading and,

Writing!

[atb]

Thanks, Mike. Very happy to be the POW and looking forward to hearing everyone's thoughts/ideas/opinions.

Here's the logline for anyone who's interested:

Urbanity -- (Drama) In the concrete wilderness of NYC, a lonely addiction counselor pours himself into saving a mysterious homeless youth and his gang of pandhandling friends from a maliciously misguided member of the NYPD.

It was a quarterfinalist in the Nicholls, Screenwriting Expo, and Cinestory. Came in a close second in the November 2009 Script Savvy Contest. And took the Grand Prize in the '09 Creative World Awards.

I'm very close to signing an option deal with an independent producer, but in the meantime I'm trying to make the script the best it can possibly be before the producer sends it out to financiers, directors, actors, etc.

So ANY AND ALL thoughts are very much welcomed and appreciated.

[mydoggeorge]

Hi atb,
I really liked this screenplay. It read well.

I have some comments and/or questions. See below:

Alex – when I first meet him in the story I think there is an issue with him, maybe ADD, OCD or something else. Later in the story, it seems like he’s not altogether right in the head, possibly something mental. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, maybe it’s intentional.

Also, it was very hard for me to distinguish an appropriate age for Alex, given that he lives in a van, the people he chills with call him kid, but he seems to be older. Just confusing.

Nathan – Hard for me to make him out at first with what he actually does. Does he work in a prison? I learn later on that he is a counselor; this could also be part of your intent.

Officer Howard – hmmm…
I think I would maybe change up the story a bit and introduce him a little earlier on so we can get his story. He is missed until the very end when all the shit goes down. I also want to get some back story of him and the rookie.

The last thing about the Officer is that he needs to be a little more - bad ass – you know psycho or mean to Nathan and or Alex.

Why did Nathan lie and say that Alex was his grandson? I don’t get it even with the explanation later on.

How can there be a van on blocks in the middle of the city? I would think more on the outskirts like a rundown industrial area or near the wharf.

I like where Nathan is battling a problem with his son and his son tells him not to come there anymore. I think Nathan was trying to give his son the message all along and the only way he could was when his life was taken.

I like how the story had Nathan trying to atone for his sins in the end. Very cool.

I did not understand that part of the ending…
Officer Howard is at the top and he sees Nathan, but then suddenly he doesn’t see Nathan getting changed into the guys jacket? Seems a little sketchy to me. I think you should have Nathan come in just a moment earlier or re-write it to add that the Officer can’t see him.

And I also do not believe why he hates the trolls so bad? It’s because of his partner? Maybe have a flashback sequence with him showing something…

The end –

I like how Alex took over doing what Nathan was doing. Very nice. He’s also taking up after his father who he admired and can finally forgive himself for the events of the tragic night.

Okay that about does it for me.

You write very well and definitely wrap things right into each other. The scene wraps where they blend into each other are simply superb. Where you have the gas can at the beginning and the reverse sequence at the end is a nice touch.

Hopefully others will comment on this work.

Thanks goes to Mike (mscherer) for posting this.
Nice read.

[atb]

Nov 9, 2010 18:34:36 GMT -5 mydoggeorge said:

Hopefully others will comment on this work.

I'm hoping so too.

Thanks for the comments, Mark.

I think you may have missed a good amount of details while reading. Alex's age is introduced on the first page -- he's 18. Nathan's profession is also introduced on the first page -- he's preaching to alcoholics in a rehab clinic. When you say that Officer Howard is missed until the end, I'm not sure what you mean... Because he pops up many times throughout the story, and even finds himself talking to Nathan at the clinic about his drinking problems. And about making him 'more of a bad ass,' I was going for an antagonist that an audience can relate to, someone we can get to know and then understand why he does the things he does... even if we don't agree with him. From my perspective, those are the best villains. We may not agree with what they do, but we can relate to the reasons for why they do it.

Thanks for the comments though. I'll read through them more carefully and try to see if there is anything I can use to improve the story as a whole.

[mscherer]

atb,

What can I say … very powerful and well written. Found very little to criticize and much to admire.

The only overall statement I can make is this: I found it hard to visualize these characters. I had no mental image of how they might look. Now, this could be my lack of imagination, or, if others mention the same thing, a lack of description on your part. Who knows?

To the nits:

Page 4: should be ‘a cappella’.

Page 98:

The clatter of rain dances on the roof. On the sink, the tinfoil rests open, empty. Heroin residue hides in crevices.
In the sink, more residue lines the drain -- he dumped it.

Don’t think you need to tell us that he dumped it – let the visuals do the work for you.

Page 116:

Above, the gasoline gun retreats, leaving a bright white cylinder. The cylinder grows larger, wider, closing nearer.

Replace ‘..gasoline gun retreats…’ with ‘…gasoline nozzle retreats…’. For some reason the word ‘gun’ was very distracting.

Keep up the great writing!

[Latka]

Hi atb,

Thoroughly enjoyed the script, I can see why it has placed well in competitions. I thought the story played out really well and the end came as a surprise.

I thought the descriptive passages were extremely well written.

I only made one note whilst reading and it is utterly minor, on page 31 the radio host says "Really, you have see this video", I didn't know if there was a 'to' missing. (as I said, minor!)

Again, a really great script which was a pleasure to read.

[dwight]

Adam (atb)... read this today. Well done, an enjoyable read. Well crafted, everything was connected with some decent twists. Alex and Nathan were great character studies, keep them as is for sure.

This is definitely good to go out. Only notes i can think of are...

Mentioned before, more with the two Police officers.. i think you can make Howard heavier. Maybe more back and forth with his partner.. or have his partner have a bigger role, just a partner just stuck in the wrong situations at the wrong time, but comes through in the end (kind of similar to Ryan Phillipe in Crash idea). Just a situation that can raise the stakes with alex vs. howard.

Memphis and Alex... maybe work a larger betrayal in there. Not so much needing to be around 'hookin up with his lady'.. but just like a backstab, just to make the ending with Memphis agreeing to go along more stronger.. just an idea.

Ending chase, trains, gunshots.. i got a bit confused, followed, but i had trouble picturing the trains throughout.

That's all i can think of, good stuff... Inspiring read thanks for sharing..

And love the Fresno shout-outs.. did my undergrad there haha.

[jimmy7]

I'll just add a slight note of caution.
I've read a lot of scripts recently and the best ones have very little description. Goodfellas is around a hundred pages long and zips along. At a similar page count this one takes around twice as long to read.
I wonder if a studio exec picks this up, sees the lack of 'white space' and bins it without going any further? I also wonder if they would dislike the sluglines in bold - it was drummed into us on all the courses I've ever done that you don't mess with the formatting. End of.
Anyway, you're clearly a good writer with the ability to structure and plot. I'm just passing on what I've been told.
Hope this helps.

Jim

[atb]

Thanks everyone for actually sitting down and reading this. I truly appreciate it.

Some great notes littered throughout this thread that I'll use in my next revision.

jimmy7: the description is certainly a little thicker than many other specs. However, full-fledged Dramas are typically denser anyway. Goodfellas probably SHOULD read faster than, say... Crash. Or The Shawshank Redemption. Or even American Beauty. Also, the bold sluglines thing seems to be a new-age formatting technique. I see it A LOT in newer specs. Say, in the past 5 years. For me, I think it works great visually. It used to be that you didn't want to use bold or italics in your screenplay because some printers might mess up and smudge those words. But today, the majority of readers are going to read your spec on a desktop or laptop or kindle or ipad or who-knows-what. So it's not as much of a concern anymore. Overusing bold and italics is all I try to stay away from.

@peter Dwight: you're probably right about making Officer Howard's partner standout a bit more. I might try to give him a scene or two alone in the cruiser with Howard. See what kinda convos they might have. The train scene -- did you really think there were two trains or did you just accidentally add an "s" to "train?" Because if you did then I screwed up that scene somewhere. And the thought about having Alex screw over Memphis in some way other than getting with Tweety... I'm not sure where you're going with that...? Is it not enough that Alex does that or does it not make sense or is it a little overboard or something? Just wondering if you could expand on that thought.

Thanks again to everyone who read this. And anyone else that wants to, you're more than welcome. I'll keep reading all comments and responding.

[dwight]

Hey atb,

With the trains/end scene, I was just saying i got a little confused with the environment.. I'm sure i could have read it over again, and figured it out... but I just got lost trying to picture the scene when i read it through the first time.

With Alex and Memphis... I apologize if I misread anything. So, breaking down Alex/Memphis interaction...
-They're friends.
-Alex consoles Tweety (pipes her ).
-Memphis comes back. Here there wasn't a specific fight or mention of Tweety, which i think was fine. There was a fight about him getting them to the shelter (so a power struggle for the group).
-Alex tries to help Memphis and the group in the end.

That's how i interpreted their interaction. And i was thinking that there could have been a more rollercoaster up/down with the two.. technically they're "friends". So had the thought of just adding some more drama to their situation, like a backstabbing of "trying to steal my leadership role!". Felt you had a lot room to make it heavier.