POW - October 31, 2010 - INTERFECTOR-SS-REV5

[mscherer]

We have some fresh meat after all.....

www.sendspace.com/file/1mn17k


Keep Writing!

[atb]

First things first: congrats on completing a feature length screenplay, Mark. Not the easiest thing in the world.

I'm sitting down for a full read, so I'll be writing down my thoughts as I go...

- cut the "CUE CREDITS" bit, no need for it.

- just on the first page, I'm noticing not only an overuse of the "--" but an incorrect usage of it. "Sarah Williams (18) cute and nonchalant, tosses -- turns in bed.... There's no need for a "--" in that sentence. Also, give us some kind of physical description to latch onto. "Cute" isn't really a vivid description and "nonchalant" really doesn't evoke any kind of image.

- "Her attitude imbues a sense of longing -- yet, she has the answers -- she just can't let them out." ... Again, no need for any "--" there. Also, since screenplays are a visual blueprint for a film, how will we be able to SEE ON SCREEN that Sarah's attitude imbues a sense of longing. And the part about her having the answers, I'm not sure I even understand what that's supposed to mean. Just cut it.

- intro for the Interfector needs more substance. I have no idea what he looks like. Is he even a man? Is he a machine? Is this some sort of Terminator-like robot? Gimme something I can see.

- "dazed and confused"... too cliche. cut it or change it.

- would a Raven be able to peck a small hole in stained glass without the whole glass pane shattering??

- the bit about Jeannie's legs being bound and bloodied should come sooner. We would likely notice this visual when Interfector drops her on the church floor.

- what makes the bowie knife "ugly?" Is it coated in dried, coagulated blood? or is its serrated edge rusted and chipped? Again, gimme something I can see. Ugly is too plain, it won't spark an image in a reader's mind.

- the INT. POLICE CRUISER OUTSIDE SARAH'S HOUSE slugline should probably be split into two main locations. First: EXT. SARAH'S HOUSE - NIGHT.... A police cruiser idles in a gravel driveway, exhaust rising from the rear. Then: INT. POLICE CRUISER - NIGHT... Det. TOM GARTZY kills the ignition, studies the house through the windshield. He's 30 and clean-shaven, tie still tight-as-hell around his neck. A fiery focus to his eyes. The officer who never forgets he's sworn to protect -- even in his sleep.
(BTW, that would a correct usage of the "--" if you were looking for an example)

- Just a thought: gimme something that Rick Jones does that show he's much different from his partner. Maybe he's smoking but Tom hates smoke and he has to keep reminding Rick to keep the cigarette out the window... Something like that so we can really see their "odd couple" relationship from their first moment on screen. I know the bit about Rich wanting to call a black and white (which is a "police cruiser" isn't it??) and Tom wanting to stay is supposed to accomplish this, but it's a little over-the-top. The cigarette thing accomplishes the same thing but doesn't scream "WE'RE SOOO DIFFERENT" at the audience... Know your audience is smart. They can pick up on the smallest of details.

- pg. 5.... So is this a horror film? There's no info on your genre or logline in this POW thread so I'm not sure. If this is a horror film then I suppose this scene is okay. But if its just a thriller/suspense, you might want to cut away before Interfector filets Jeannie... Then cut to your intro scene of Tom and Rick... Then cut back to show Jeannie's cut up body, or show someone finding Jeannie's body.

- pg. 6... Who is Sarah? We need caps and an intro. You do this with Abby so why not Sarah? Also, introducing Abby as a "pleasure to be around" could be okay if we were about to see how pleasurable it can be to be around her. But in this moment, there's no way we're going to understand ON SCREEN that Abby is a pleasure. Her best friend is convulsing on the floor, so she's likely not going to be the best of moods. OHHHH okay, Sarah is the girls in bed in the beginning. Fair enough. But make sure you remind us of that. Maybe "Sarah -- the girl we saw in bed not long ago -- sits at her desk watching Ms. Beals lecture the class."

- the Raven shitting on Interfector to wake him up... Well, I don't know. Not my taste, I guess. Now it's looking like a comedy instead of a horror.

- p. 8... By now we should probably have some kind of description for Interfector. I have no idea what he looks like. Is he huge? Is he slight but ferocious? Is he a modern day Frankenstein? I can't imagine him without the writer giving me something to start with.

- pg. 10 ... "To late" misspelling. Should be "too."

- pg. 11 ... This whole sequence should probably be done by now. These 11 pages are somewhat repetitive. This sequence should take about 5 pages. Then move on with setting up your story world and letting us get to know your semi-permanent characters. 10 pages to show the Interfector killing a woman and shooting a couple cops is too long. 5 pages tops. That's an opening sequence.

Taking a break. Be back later with more.

So far, the writing is competent. But it does need a good amount of work. Hopefully, this is just a first draft and you're willing to put in the work to improve it.

[mydoggeorge]

Hi atb,
It is supposed to be a horror. I know it needs some work. I appreciate the notes and you taking the time to read it.

I will take everything you write down and go through it with the script when I do a re-write.

I think the hardest thing for me to do is to go back through the stuff that I have written and find all of the flaws. I find a lot of them, but of course everything can always use work.

Thanks for reading.

[Latka]

Hi,

I've just finished the script and have some thoughts:

• The script is well written, with some nice narrative beats.
  
• There doesn't seem to be an explanation to who or what the Interfector is (other than being Sarah's father) and his connection with the ravens and why they do his bidding.
  
• I agree with atb that the opening could be condensed a little, possibly using the sequence in the church as a pre-credit sequence.
  
• I wasn't too keen on the split-screen for the phone call between Tom and the school (p.33), especially as it is not used as a convention throughout the rest of the script.
  
• Why does the Interfector want to kill Sarah, what is his motivation? She is his daughter after all.
  
• I was unsure about the scene in Abby's hospital room at the very end, where she cracks a joke and they laugh. It doesn't seem to fit the mood of the script.
  

I hope these are helpful, I did enjoy the script and its concept. If you would like to discuss these points, please do not hesitate to send me a PM.

[mydoggeorge]

Latka,
Thank you for the read. I appreciate it. I will definitely take into account what you pointed out. I am in the process of a re-write.
I have re-tooled the opening sequence and open it a bit different than this current version that's up here.

Thank you again for taking the time to read through it. Much appreciated with the kind comments and criticisms.