"Batman: Revelations"

[dcsmith1]

I hadn't written a screenplay in many years and recently found myself curious to see if I would still enjoy the process. I'd had ideas for feature scripts but hadn't put anything down on paper, and I found myself too scared to write one of my originals for fear that I wouldn't finish. So one day, I got the idea to write a sequel to something I liked as an exercise. That way, if I didn't finish, it wasn't a big disappointment. I literally had that idea while watching "The Dark Knight". So here is my first (and only planned) draft of a sequel script. Be forewarned, my first drafts tend to be very dialogue heavy. It is something I usually correct in subsequent drafts (which I will not be doing in this case). What I'm hoping for is feedback on pacing, plot structure, character building, etc. Any feedback is welcomed. And please believe me when I say, I'm no fan of fan-fiction... this really is just an exercise in writing for me.
The script can be found at:
tinyurl.com/378ew9n
It runs 137 pages long, which is 30 pages less than "The Dark Knight" (which is good, because I thought that film was about a half-hour too long). I look forward to your comments.

[napolyphonic]

Do you think you could upload this to the site, as an attachment? I don't really feel like reading 137 pages, which is a helluva long screenplay, on google docs.

I know you may not be asking for advice, but here's some: write your originals. Please write them. And please put them up on the board. This is a place for people who want to get somewhere with their writing, and the only way to do that is to write from scratch.

Also, please feel free to browse the board and offer your own critiques/suggestions/ideas while we help you out.

-G

[dcsmith1]

napolyphonic,
I'm going to try to attach the script with this post. It was written on Celtx free screenwriting software (of which, I am now a huge fan) but I don't know if that's going to translate well here. I've just discovered GITS tonight and, from what I've seen so far, it is very nice to find like-minded people and I look forward to reading and commenting on others' works.
As for writing my originals, the exercise worked and I am working on one of my own.

Attachments:

[napolyphonic]

Luckily I have Celtx, but that's not much different from google docs. So I'm gonna open it and make a pdf and attach it, just in case people want it.

I'll do my best to get to this thing in the next couple of days. I'm excited you've found fodder for an original and look forward to seeing more of your work around this place.

Keep it up!

-G

Attachments:

[tous]

Yes, thank you for adapting this Napo-, I'm already on page 5 and I love the way you started. I hope it continues ><

[tous]

I pushed aside everything that I knew about the upcoming-third and FINAL chapter because this was, and I'm not sure if you meant it to be or not, but more along the lines of a continuance. Like what Pirates of the Caribbean 2 did for the third. It left a lot of questions unanswered and left me in the dark with a lot of the internal struggles that were hinted at. I say hinted as I will show what I mean by that in the 'pages'.

Anyways, to praise you on this before I delve into it: I thought you did an amazing job. This definitely felt like it sprung from both movies. Especially your tie in's with the first and then setting up this tale directly from the second; phenomenal job- I really really loved reading the script. The Riddler was captured brilliantly 'enough' to be the central character, but as it has been stated by Nolan, he would not be the central villain. The reason for this and I think it shows in your script is that he isn't a feature-lenght eye-gauging villain that can spring death into the world. Instead you use him in a way that springs life. That added touch of strangeness which is very well and good but he doesn't hold his own. He isn't substantial 'enough' to make the plot all about him, unlike the Joker. So not to say it as a step-down, but defitenly had a more comic-booky, string of episodes in a series type feel.

PACING:
The pages ceased to end, I kept turning; yearning for more. Well done.
The Riddler, being the most common villain in the DC universe to the Joker, was all about the games and tests to Batman. This made the pacing very close on parr with the Dark Knight. You used a lot of inter-cuts in the action sequences which bagged the scene with more tension. Also, I noticed it to be a revealing element. However, unlike the second film, I felt it somewhat of a stretch as by, towards the end, I am expecting something to be revealed and thus has me guessing one step ahead of you as to what it could be.

PLOT:
A little thin. Again, Riddler not the best since he can't stand on his own, maybe not in a feature length movie with all puzzles, unless it's something like Se7en. There just wasn't much of a life or death situation happening and it was all about his identity and well- for the DC universe to continue and for Batman to further struggle, we all know it wouldn't conclude with everyone finding out who he is, so there's that.
The internal plot which there were a few hints about (talking with Fox etc) needs to push further to the surface. There's Bruce Wayne's struggle with being batman, finding someone to take his mantle and continue. There's Fox: where left at the end of the second, could be further pushed to see how a stray Batman could go. There's Commissioner Gordon who struggled with his very big internal conflict of chasing the very man who has saved Gotham.

STRUCTURE:
I think this goes hand in hand with the plot and pacing, which you did a very nice job on. I picked out the points as best I could for the A/B story, the inciting incident, turning points, second half of act two, Act three, Shadow of the Soul, Climax, etc.
Now Climax: Not a very big climax, again maybe its just because it's the Riddler.

CHARACTERS:
Dare I say flawless. It was amazing to see how well you adapted to their speech. I could hear, quite literally, all the actors voices throughout. Their sentence-structures were excellent. And yes, you had a bit of dialogue which didn't mind me one bit. Some points I could see them talking a bit more than Nolan would make them, but your banters were omg written the way they should be in the third one. I pray to god they are, so for that thank you. I now only know I may be disappointed haha.
However, I didn't see much of a character arc, if any.
There has to be change. As big as there was with Harvey, this needs to match or even conquer. Needs a catharsis.

The Riddler: needs spicing up on the obsessive which I'll point to in the pages. As much as Joker was, made by Nolan, to be impulsive and mad/strange. The Riddler needs to be equal to that if he is your standing villain, in his obsessive, obsessing and relentless acts to be proven right and smarter than everyone.

Scenes: Not sure if the family scene with him is needed, maybe there is another way to flesh out some backstory, but then again I think it was the mystery to the Joker that captured us and had us at an awe.

LOVED:
What I LOVED most about your script was Bruce/Batman's love relationship with Catwoman. That pretty much made the movie for me. However, I know the dinner date was matched with Gordons kidnapping, which works really well, but I wish their relationship was underway pages ago. Then again, as I said- this felt more like a continuance so it builds.
Everything made sense TO ME. - For Catwoman to dress the way she does, and watching the Riddler work was also very classy. The only thing is that Riddlers self discovery of his costume was a bit of a rye. I like why he got his hat and how it fit, along with the cane, but then I didn't understand his need for a cane unless to hit for a weapon, and it's important he has it (as he always does) but make it more needy, obsessive. Also, the tie made by his niece, was a bit coincidental and even with it's sentimental value holds no place in the script. In the pages I'll note some spicing for his development which should be pushed further - I mean TAKEN To THE eXTREME. Like- I get what i want or people start dieing.

Loved how Harvey was brought back since he was an amazing character, and would work well for resolving everything had there be a fourth installment. And I liked the situation set up with Batman and Gordon on working together in the dark.

Loved Gordon's monologue on Batman's disappearances.

PAGES:

Page 20
- i think it would be a better leave, giving that- awe struck feeling if it ended with
"i like cats too". That way she wouldn't spring back to talk to him and just run off. Perhaps she hears the door open giving her that excuse and us for wanting more.
-Also maybe have her doing something in the dark, perhaps he hears her stealing more stuff but it doesn't bother him. Gives us an extra edge to how captivated he is.

Page 21
-that gadget helicopter thing is a little much, could just slide as it doesn't appear any other time. Just start the scene with him already in place.
-GOD JEsus mary of joseph- i love their exchanges. You know, frankly i can't believe you somewhat did this as an exercise, or mere chance of whim. I mean, this story could have gone a thousand different ways and i think you nailed your lot.

Page 27
-Thank you- i was beginning to think that the scene was just another show robber thing and that never happened in the first two, so u really pulled the story forward and made it stream nicely as Nolan would.

Page 28
-Maybe have him get clipped, hurt, shoulder crashing into the buildings window something?

Page 31
- love the camouflage with dracula, nice touch.
-Commissioner Gordon should be involved, because he is dealing with an internal struggle with this, no? Also may be a bit too long in pages, caught me at a pause- could be shortened?

Sidenote:
-For some reason, maybe its just me, but i always LOVED when Batman jumps over a rail or something into the night, BUT he appears to be doing it a bit TOO much in this, actually in every dark scene- but here in the library, it makes sense to go down levels that way- but if I see it as a rarity, I'll appreciate forever more.

Page 68
-cat opener, hilarious
-And immediately when Lucious Fox enters, voice is down perfectly.

Page 86
-Exposition seems very forced. There should be some build-up to it, dont spring it out on us all at once. Okay so he doesn't like to be touched (i.e. dad issue) and also, he likes to solve his own puzzles, can prove to himself (and his father) he can do it on his own.

Page 87
-When he goes into his room, i feel like we are just being shown it, instead why don't you tease us in the beginning of the scene. Have the caring, suspecting brother snoop around: checks his fridge to make sure he's eating etc, and then he catches (and we) catch a glimpse of his room full of newspapers, so than Edward can briskly distract him or close the door, whatever. (I also mentioned cutting this scene but that's just my mentioning)

Page 94
-make it more Riddly. I know he would say, because he makes direct comments in the cartoon as i've watched- "Or i start running over pedestrians" but maybe give him some more character like he had before. Say "I wouldn't want to accidentally commit a crime" -- and he revs the engine..
-HAhaha i love how the Riddler kidnaps Gordon just to make sure everything is going okay for them. Such a Riddler move.

Page 98
"Don't you just go mad until you do?"
- good moment to make the Riddler do something crazy.

Sidenote:
-I think the sequence between the cab and the diner should go more smoothly, like connecting one line of dialogue to another in a way, but not necessarily that. you know?

RIDDLER (CONT'D)
Wow. How many cabs do you think
your people have pulled over in the
past 15 minutes? Huh?
-hahaha.

Page 108
-Riddler needs more moments to freak out. I don't believe he would shoot someone, unless its important to his work.

Page 119
-This wouldn't happen again unless Gordon forgot everything he's done in the second film. i.e. Batman needs to be alone with the victim (The Joker) and where the Bad Guy wants to be captured (The Joker)
Suggestion:
-Have the commissioner be on guard and heavy minded.
"ill be right over there" or "I'll be watching"

Page 120
-jesus i loved how you even connected it to the first movie where he gave that kid the gadget, it's like everything has its consequences, exactly as the Riddler said.

Sidenote:
-Why not give The Riddler a slight speech with consequences and everything he's talked about. More Riddles in his speech even. Like The Joker had with his Chaos theory.

Page 122
-Holy shit he got 2 wrong! This is where it should end yea, but i like how it continues I KNEw there would be more!

omffhfhfh BANE!
(set up for the fourth)

Page 123
-Aww i would have found it funny if he recognizes the criminals in here and is like "Heyyyy. whast going on, i love your work!"

Page 123
- Nice closing: Houdini connection.

Page 125
-Nice Harley reference. love it.

Page 126
-im guessing this is where u tie in how the joker took those 2/3 people hostage? and she being one of them, also that would mean he escaped from the ending of the second movie is that right? or was there someone he kidnapped then? i dont recall.

Wow, so you really set this up for another. This is pretty much the basis of a perfect setup for a 4th installment.

Anyways, as much as this did with my suggestions to help you, the pages were merely my touches to show how appreciative I was for your vision. Sorry I don't have the suggestions you need to figure out all that I said, I know that may be a bit unfair to you, but this was but an exercise haha so I think you're ready. Thank you and hope this has helped. Next time, I hope to read something from your universe!


"Without getting into specifics, the key thing that makes the third film a great possibility for us is that we want to finish our story,” the film-maker added. “And in viewing it as the finishing of a story rather than infinitely blowing up the balloon and expanding the story"
-Christopher Nolan

[dcsmith1]

first... napolyphonic, you are my hero for putting the script up as a pdf... I'm going to have to learn how to do that.
second... tous, you are my caped, flying, "Here I come to save the day!" hero. Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and then take the time to respond with such detail. Every one of your points and suggestions hit home with me and I practically danced in my seat reading how someone really took in what I wrote and how you saw so much of what I was trying to do. I can't thank you enough.

[anonymous1234]

As somebody that loves Batman and loves scripts, I really really want to read this.

However, I get home from school at 6 and have homework for the rest of the night.

I still hope to getting around to reading this thing and reviewing it if I get the time.

[napolyphonic]

No problem, dc. I just had the screenplay up in celtx and went to file>print. It gives an option of "save as pdf." Hit that puppy and you're golden.