DIG -- a gritty thriller

[atb]

Working on the first act right now. Will be posting that soon. Here's the logline:

DIG
thriller/drama


When a grave digger survives his own attempted murder, he's forced to fight for his life in a winter wilderness and track down his daughters' captors.

I think that's a decent logline, but the problem is: I'm not sure it fully captures what the story is about.

To make it short, the story is essentially about four people:

Solomon, the grave digger.

Missy and Ginny, his daughters.

and

Old Bill, the devil of the small Appalachian town this is set in. He's got his hand in everything from drug trafficking to prostitution. And he happens to be the girls grandfather and Solomon's father-in-law.

Solomon has a sick mom, has to turn to Old Bill for a handout so he can afford her hospice care. Old Bill has him use his job as a grave digger to hide bodies for him from time to time. So he just buries bodies below other people's graves.

Anyway, Solomon's mom dies and he quits working for Old Bill. And he asks him to stay away from his daughters. He's a bad influence, dangerous, and all that jazz.

So Solomon takes his girls on a little weekend trip into the Appalachian wilderness to learn to hunt, etc.

Anyway, as you might've guessed by now, Old Bill wants him gone. He wants his granddaughters for himself. No more Solomon. So he sends his two sons, Kurt and Lamar, to do his dirty work. So they try to kill off Solomon and take the girls. But of course Solomon doesn't die. And he has to track the brothers and his girls through the wilderness, all the while slowly dying.

.... So does that logline seem to fit in with the plot?

[atb]

Actually, here's the synopsis I have on Inktip if anyone's interested...

SYNOPSIS:

"LOOK WITHIN. WITHIN IS THE FOUNDATION OF GOOD, AND IT WILL EVER BUBBLE UP, IF THOU WILST EVER DIG."
-Marcus Aurelius


Solomon, aka Sol, has worked as a grave digger in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains for too long. His job: dig the grave at night, ten feet down, three feet wide, wait for a hearse to deliver a cadaver, bury it, refill the grave to a six foot depth. Then, the next day, bury the next body on top.

The graveyard must have twice as many bodies as headstones. He's done a lot of digging. He doesn't like it, but it's the only way he can afford his mother's hospice care. If it weren't for Old Bill, his father-in-law, he'd be neck deep in unpaid bills. He does what he has to and he goes home to an empty trailer. His wife gone, his daughters with their mother. Only time he sees them is every other weekend. On those days, he takes the girls into the wilderness for some quality hunting.

But on this weekend, Missy and Ginny tell their father that Old Bill came by to see them. Sol doesn't like this. When they return from their weekend, he confronts his ex-wife, April. He doesn't want Old Bill seeing them anymore. He's a bad influence, and worse -- he's dangerous. But April can't promise that she'll turn her own father away if he comes by again. And Sol can't confront him; he needs the money.

But when Sol hears that his mother has passed away, he cuts all ties with Old Bill. Tells him to stay away from his family. And, unexpectedly, Old Bill agrees.

It's time for another weekend getaway with his girls and Sol treks with Missy and Ginny into the Appalachian wilderness. Teaches them to use a bow and arrow. Missy's a tomboy and takes to it quick. But Ginny, she's never going to get it; she can't hardly stomach watching an animal die. So the three eat a cooked turkey that Sol caught. They settle in for the night and when the girls awaken to the morning sun... Sol is gone.

They can't find him near the camp, and when they decide to set out and search for him, their uncles arrive on horseback. They say that Sol told them to take their nieces back to town.

Elsewhere, Sol comes to, bloody and weak, covered in fresh snow and blood-soaked clothes. All he can remember is Kurt and Lamar, April's brothers, and their faces before the firelight. He knows they must've tried to kill him. Must've been sent by their father, Old Bill. And now they've got his girls. Old Bill must want them for something.

So Sol is forced to survive on his own, a deep wound in his side, while he tracks the uncles and his girls through the Appalachians. When he finds the four, he notices they're not alone. Old Bill and his right hand man, Dell, have made a small camp. Only way to get his girls back is to keep the four men from ever making it back to town.

And that's what he does. Four killers, one grave digger, and two scared girls that just want to go home. Sol has to dig deep within himself to find the courage to save his girls from a life without a father, from a life with Old Bill's influence, from a life of drugs and murder and betrayal.

But he can't do it without his girls' help. Missy and Ginny fight with their father, fight for their lives, the lives they want, the lives that are slipping through their fingers every step they take toward that town. Missy finds that she's more of a scared girl than a tomboy and Ginny finds strength within her she never knew existed. Sol finds the killer within him and the backbone he lost digging all those graves for Old Bill's business, for Old Bill's profit. But now, he needs only dig four graves, the last ones he'll ever dig -- for the four men who tried to take his family and failed, the men who set out to make him dead but found themselves dead instead. The men who dug their own graves.

[mscherer]

Not so sure this captures the complete story. Your logline suggests two separate stories: forced to fight for his life; track down his daughter’s captors. I believe it is your intent to tell the story of the gravedigger’s quest to save his daughters. Included in this scenario should be the fact that the antagonist is the protagonist’s father-in-law. That said...

A wounded gravedigger struggles to stay alive in the Appalachian wilderness while attempting to rescue his kidnapped daughters from his evil father-in-law.

Think Deliverance meets Chinatown.

One man's opinion, etc., etc., etc.

[atb]

Thanks for the help, mscherer.

How about....

A wounded gravedigger fights to survive in the Appalachian wilderness as he races to rescue his daughters from their sinister grandfather.

-OR-

A wounded gravedigger struggles to survive in the Appalachian wilderness as he pursues his daughters' kidnapper: their sinister grandfather.

[stephenguest]

hey man

i'm struggling with your synopsis and logline. i think both need a bit more thought.

synopsis - i thought your explanatory notes were better than your inktip piece. ask yourself, is the dimension of the grave really necessary? what does it tell us about sol, bill?

also, i'd be very interested in knowing why bill wants sol dead. what's the set-up, what's come between them, why's there so much bad blood? this question has to be answered in the synopsis as it's controls the script.

logline - a logline can't 'struggle to survive'. its gotta be more emotionally direct. how's this for a start?

A wounded gravedigger hunts his daughters' kidnappers in the Appalachian wilderness as he confronts/struggles/battles ... [what]

stephen

[atb]

Hey stephen. Thanks for the insight. I like ur take on the logline, though i'll have to think about how to finish it.

To answer your question: Old Bill wants Sol dead because A) he knows too much and wants out, and B) he's trying to keep him from his granddaughters. Two understandable reasons for a violent man to want someone dead. And actually, I think all of that is in the inktip synopsis. Maybe you skipped over a part or two?

Also, using the grave dimensions as the intro for the synopsis was really just intended to be a creative way to show that the graves that Sol digs aren't your typical 6x3 dimensions. They're deeper. For two bodies.

I'm interested to know why you think a logline can't "struggle to survive," if that is, indeed, what the protag does throughout the story? Is it too cliche? Or just not specific enough?

[stephenguest]

hey man

if you want an audience to emotionally invest in sol you must give them a huge and sympathetic reason.

you don't give a reason. bill's dangerous - how? bill's a bad influence - why?

there has to be an inciting incident between sol and bill which sets in train a series of events which changes the course of their lives.

what is it? what happened to make bill want to kidnap sol's kids and murder him (i'll come back to this).

now, your question - why can't you have the words 'struggle to survive' in a logline.

a hero doesn't 'struggle to survive' - a hero hunts, kills, fights, seeks vengeance, pursues, battles, confronts - he's an active fucker with a simple plan.

yes, he might be bloodied and wounded but he's gonna get those fuckers no matter what.

you need 'active' words which identify his mindset.

now, let's say bill forced sol to bury someone alive - the inciting incident.

your logline might be read something like this:

a gravedigger, haunted by the cries of the 'dead', hunts his daughters' kidnappers in the Appalachian wilderness as he ... [what]

stephen

[singsalsing]

Just my initial impression but the word Father invokes much more sympathy than Gravedigger.

[atb]

Stephen,

Thx again for your comments.

Re: struggles to survive in loglines....

The Pianist: A Polish Jewish musician struggles to survive the destruction of the Warsaw ghetto of World War II.

Redland: As a family struggles to survive in rural isolation during the Great Depression, their daughter's secret affair begins a journey into the unknown.

Zolykha's Secret: A rural Afghan family struggles to survive during the last, brutal year of the Taliban and the beginning of a new war that still rages.

The Poseidon Adventure: A group of passengers struggle to survive and escape when their ocean liner completely capsizes at sea.

Empire of the Sun: A young English boy struggles to survive under Japanese occupation during World War II.

Seven Year Rental: Employees use the local video store to escape the real world while the business struggles to survive.

Fallout: In a post-apocalyptic world, three friends struggle to survive.

And that's all on just the first 2 pages of search results on Google... So clearly "struggling to survive" is something many protags do in film.

Re: my script, Dig... Struggling to survive is something Sol really, actually does throughout the story. He's mortally wounded, he WILL die, and he must fight against the urge to just give up so that he can save his daughters.

Now, in response to your question about the inciting incident, and what it is that sets the story into motion... Well, again, that's actually right there in the synopsis...

Sol's mother passes away, and as a result, he quits working for Old Bill. Obviously, this is a big change for Sol. He's been doing this for a couple of years now. But he doesn't have to anymore. But, of course, Old Bill doesn't like this. He can't have a guy out there that knows where he buries people who piss him off. He can't let Sol walk around knowing what he knows. He has to get rid of him and find someone else to dig for him.

So, Sol's mother dies and he quits his job, pushing Old Bill to essentially put a hit out on him.... the Inciting Incident.

[atb]

Working with this now:

A wounded father fights to survive in the Appalachian wilderness as he races to rescue his daughters from their sinister kidnappers... who just happen to be family.

*thanks to singsaling for the quick suggestion.

[joea]

I like what some have said here, though I certainly agree with you that "struggles to survive" is a ubiquitous logline term and therefore not an issue. "Mortally wounded," however, does by definition imply "struggle to survive," so you might be able to lose it on those grounds.

The problem I have with your newest logline is it takes out most of what makes your "father pursues daughter's kidnappers" story different.

I presume Solomon is a gravedigger because he dies at the story's conclusion and someone has to bury him, perhaps in a grave he dug before the chase began. Therefore it's relevant, and more importantly, makes your story stand out. I'm not sure I would substitute it wholesale for "father," especially since "father" is implied by the word "daughters."

Also, the kidnappers being family. That's another unusual component (though perhaps not quite so much in Appalachian country. You should fight to keep that in the logline if possible.

How about:

A mortally wounded gravedigger struggles to track his daughter's captors across an Appalachian wilderness before they can be delivered to his evil father-in-law.

[atb]

Thanks for your insight, joea.

You make some great points. For some reason, I just don't like the look of the word "father-in-law," so I'm leaning toward this:

A mortally wounded gravedigger attempts to track his daughters' captors across the Appalachian wilderness before they can be delivered to their murderous grandfather.

[atb]

Or how about:

A mortally, and morally, wounded gravedigger attempts to track his daughters' captors across the Appalachian wilderness before they can be delivered to their murderous grandfather.

[joea]

That's way too clunky. People are going to stop reading right there. And not only that, but if you start talking so directly about your main character being "morally wounded" in the logline that's just... it's going to put a lot of people off. It would for me, anyway.

More than that, it's implied. Most main characters in most scripts are not innocents who one day just happen to walk into the wheat thresher of life. They have complications, heartaches, fatal flaws, regrets, the whole load.

To show what I mean, a Google search of "morally wounded" and "logline" turned up only one hit, and that was for a script called Morally Wounded on simplyscripts with a logline so confusing I won't even post it here.

I do, however, prefer the word "murderous" over my suggestion of "evil" in your logline. Evil is probably a poor word overall to use in a logline. It's too vague, plus it makes me think of holding a pinky to one's mouth and muttering about $1 million.

Joe

[atb]

You're right, joea. The morally wounded part was just an idea. Sometimes you can't see something for what it is until you know how it looks to someone else. Too clunky -- agreed.

Thanks for your input though. Pretty close to finishing the first act. I'd love to hear your thoughts after I post it.