Friended

[scott980]

Hi all,

Below is the link to my screenplay, FRIENDED. I welcome all suggestions. Thanks in advance for your time.

www.mediafire.com/?5xjnj12n2w2

ABOUT THE STORY:

(I already posted the logline/synopsis in the logline forum, but I'll repost it below for those deciding whether to read the script)

LOGLINE

A lonely young man unwittingly aids a corporate assassin through a social networking site and soon finds himself on the run for his life.

SYNOPSIS

Paul Euler is a young man running away from his past. He gets a job at Sunstorm, a revolutionary solar energy company seeking to launch satellites into space and harvest energy directly from the sun. Paul hopes to fade into anonymity as a lowly handyman, but Sunstorm’s team-driven culture requires him to make friends.

He tries out their social networking site and finds, to his surprise, that he meets people he actually likes. Especially Liz, a beautiful and witty company nurse who guides him through the games played on the social network. He meets another friend, Bryson Tamlin, who takes a keen interest in Paul. One little problem: Bryson is a corporate assassin hired to take down Sunstorm’s visionary CEO. Paul becomes Bryson’s unwitting helper in the murder.

Soon Paul is on the run for his life, as Bryson seeks to eliminate the only link between himself and the murder. The only person helping Paul is Liz, who puts her life on the line to help Paul out of feelings of friendship and growing love. The killer will never stop hunting them. The only way to survive is to expose the identity of the real power behind the murder and bring him to justice.

[echenry]

Hi-ya Scott980,

I just read your script. LOVED the Washington locales ;D ; last summer I wrote a romantic comedy entitled, "Cupid Got Stupid" that has Mercer Island as its prime location. Cool shot of the foothills and Cascade mountains from Mercer Island facing east. But back to your script.

Overall you have a solid story that works. I has a little romance. It has a little intrigue. And you graft a high tech accent very well into your story. One story aspect I think could be improved is why Liz falls for Paul. And Paul's running from his past is quite ho-hum. It's a story footnote that shouldn't be the opening line of the "FRIENDED's" synopsis.

This story isn't especially novel or ground-breaking original, but I was entertained throughout, and was never bored. Scot980, you show some real good instincts throughout of where to begin a scene, and where to end one.

Formating wise I found a few mistakes that I thought I should bring to your attention:

On page 3 and 95 you use a FADE OUT transition incorrectly. Its FADE OUT. (A period ends a fade out). A fade out is a gradual transition from a filmed image to black. Whenever you fade in, you need to fade back in, as you're now facing a black screen.

I think in both cases on page 3 and 95 your script better served with a DISSOLVE TO: transition. A dissolve is a gradual transition from one image to another. And think you can get with suggesting a dissolve transition by embedding an ellipse (...) as the final punctuation in a description paragraph that proceeds you next master shot heading.

Kirkington looks over, but the assassin has already left...

INT. BUS (MOVING) - DAY

On page 3 when introducing Paul, this story's main character, I'm not sure why you set his age off with dual dashes? I'd go with PAUL EULER (mid-20s).

On page 95 the computer screen segment isn't really a montage or a series of shots, as you're on the same computer screen the whole time and the only the page changes. So I think you need to reformat that scene with individual lines of description to highlight the Facebook pages walking us through the chain of events under a standard shot heading like INT. ROOM - COMPUTER SCREEN

On page 12 voice over cues go on the same line as name of the character speaking. NEWSPAPER REPORTER (V.O.)

And in between page 1 and 2 there's a blank page. So your delete that out before your next submission.


All-in-all, good job sir. You entertained me. And I'd pay $10 to see that at the local Bonney Lake multiplex!

- E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA

[scott980]

E.C.,

Thanks a lot! I appreciate the help with the formatting - thanks for taking the time to notice the little details.
And I agree with you concerning Liz's feelings for Paul; that is a weak point. I need to demonstrate -- justify -- her growing feelings for him, especially if she's ready to join him on the run from a professional killer!

Thanks again,

-Scott

[mscherer]

I’m sorry, Scott980, but I could not get past page 20 – nothing happens – sorry. I guess the final straw was on page 20:

PAUL
Why would they invite me? I’m
not an engineer.
HANK
Could be someone mentioned how
you solved that elevator
problem.
PAUL
It was just an imbalanced fly
wheel –-

Handymen don’t work on elevators – that requires a certified technician. Then, to continue:

The invitation is adorned with gold foil and Paul’s
picture in the corner. There is a handwritten note
across the bottom. It reads:
We could use a mind like yours
on Prometheus. – Jack

Really? A huge, multi-billon dollar project and just like that – because he fixes an elevator he’s invited to join the team?
Don’t buy it. Sorry. And finally:

BRYSON
What is the big deal? Why not
go?
PAUL
I’m not looking for a promotion.
I just want to do the job I was
hired for.

Who takes a job without the intention of taking promotions? Don’t get it.

I really like the premise of you story – unique and intriguing, but the beginning needs work. You need to get the reader into the story sooner. We see the hero in his ordinary world, but where is the call to adventure – the inciting incident? What takes our hero out of his ordinary world and thrusts him into the world of the story? These things all need to happen in the first Act – approximately pages 1 – 20.

Keep at it – you have a potentially unique story going on here you only need to bring the reader into the story sooner.

Good luck and,
Keep Writing!

[scott980]

Mscherer,

Thanks very much for taking the time to read my work. Your feedback is helpful.

I agree that the elevator fix is a little weak to provide justification for him being singled out (and with respect to the usual protocol for certified techs to handle the repairs.)

As for Paul not wanting the promotion, I did intend for that to come across as puzzling -- why wouldn't he want to accept? I answer that later in the story, when Paul reveals that he's occupied with guilt from mistakes he made; this guilt prevents him from moving forward with his life. I tried to make this conflict apparent when Paul over-reacts to Liz's encouragement that he go to the retreat on p.25, but this may not be clear enough.

I intended this to be the Inner Conflict that Paul faces, paired with the Outer Conflict of running for his life ...

Which is where the inciting incidents come in, on page 30-35. This may well need to happen sooner. At any rate, I probably need more of a hook up front, or at least more action, to keep the reader interested.

Thanks again for your help,

-Scott