Hey!
I've been meaning to read the first draft, but never got to it. Plus, I'm not that often on the forum lately. But, when you posted a second draft, I figured I'd give it a shot.
First, I liked it. The whole idea was kinda like Death Note (with the Reapers, and all), with a nice twist. I enjoyed it, for sure. To tell you the truth, I imagined it as a japanese anime as I read it (Death Note influense again). Plus, anime are stylish.
Now, as I said, I didn't read the First Draft, so I won't be able to compare them, sorry. But I'll give you some of the notes I took, as well as some thoughts.
The simple stuff:
"...too many reapers, not enough deaths."
--- Since there are too many reapers, that means a lot of people have died. Did they stop dying? I know it's a little far-fetched remark, and I'm sorry, but it just stuck with me... I hope you understand my reasoning behind this.
p. 19: Harvey says "Shite Lion". Maybe it's it's White Lion?
p. 33: Declan "...looks at the mess, at Carol, and their mess." Repeated?
p. 40: Bernie says "Nothing like a great dash of reality to smack you in the face when you've just died and thought you were going to Heaven."
--- I think you've already mentioned something about ungrateful Reapers who thought they were going to Heaven. In the beginning of the screenplay.
p.40: "Gimick after Gimick" - maybe Gimmick?
p. 110: "Beth looks oblivious." - Sharon, maybe?
Last but not least stuff:
I had read that previously, there was an idea to put in an election heppening at the same time with the Purgatory Election. It is a nice idea, definitely. But in the real world, it felt as if the election wasn't as present as you'd like it to be. I don't know, but it was mostly mentioned in the dialogue (corrupt politicians), and there were posters all over town (set-up). But still, just like Chinatown did, and took a real event for set-up, and we felt really drawn into the whole atmosphere, you probably aimed for something similar. I say it needs more depth, if it's going to really be there.
Then, the ending. Happy endings are okay, but when I read it, it felt overly happy. Maybe you could turn the pink colors of Jamie's new world down a notch? The talk with Bernie was good, and it offers a nice resolution. I like the scene. But the one where they're in the hospital, talking to Harv and Dave Rave, I didn't feel it was really necessary. But that's me.
And something last. I felt that the Jamie-Beth relationship was a little rushed. But and again, maybe that's just me.
I'm sorry if any of my notes offended you. I didn't mean to. I'm not a professional in this. Everything in this post is nothing but remarks from a guy who read your screenplay (did that sound like a copyright message? ;D ).
Overall, as I said, I enjoyed the story very much. I like the setting. It's grim and disturbing, but as it goes, hope appears.
P.S: Maybe you could have Bernie changed in the end. He's going to Heaven, after all. Maybe he could be his own normal self, again, without the injuries.
