Script to Screen- My Three Minute Short on Vimeo

[violet]

Hey guys,
Months ago I posted a 3-minute script called Parking Lot which I planned to produce and direct.
Good news: many months later, I'm almost finished with the short film, and you can check it out on vimeo!
vimeo.com/14980256
password: freezingwind

A million thanks to everyone who read the script and gave me notes!
;D

[songswithoutwords]

Hi violet,
Watched the video and technically it was well filmed and put together. I liked the script better though, and I know exactly why:
In the script, I had the sense at the beginning that she was in danger - at risk of being raped or something. Then I was relieved to find out it was only a drug deal, which of course is still dangerous! Then I was completely caught off guard when it was an exchange of trinkets and the end of a relationship. Somehow all that worked for me.
In the finished version I did not feel any danger. I think the reasons are that there was not enough build-up of the approach of the man, and that there was too much light. More shadows, more watching-from-a-distance, a slower approach, all would have given the sense of danger and insecurity I got from the script.
Lastly I think the music made it seem like a music video and gave away too early that it was a relationship thing.
Is this the final version? Maybe what you have could be recut to give the tension you were seeking. For music, go with something quieter at the beginning, which leads into some kind of melodic climax near the end. Maybe that's not clear enough to be helpful :S but I hope you get what I mean.
I like you have made films and actually I am much more critical of the stuff I make, so you're already ahead of me. :-) Keep filming.
Andrew

[violet]

Thanks for taking the time to check it out AND read the script. I totally agree that there's a suspense in the script that didn't come through in the video, but the footage I ended up shooting, combined with the location and the actor (and his wardrobe) didn't add up to "threatening". Since I couldn't reshoot (my actress was only in town for that one day), I had to make do with the footage I had.
It's interesting to hear your opinion of the music- i've gotten a lot of love it/hate it reactions.
Thanks for the feedback! It definitely helped me think about some new options for changes I can make...