Yūrei

[Latka]

Hi,

I have done a first draft script of the following:

A group of friends begin to die mysteriously after viewing a painting by a murdered artist

It is a ghost story in the style of films such as Phone and Ringu.

Any comments are gratefully received.

[mscherer]

latka,

Hmmm. Sounds vaguely like a Twilight Zone episode from many, many years ago……

Seems there are two (2) things missing from your logline:
1. a hero/protagonist
2. An antagonist

You need a hero. The audience needs to identify with someone, someone they can root for. A group of friends is too generic and, in reality, they are part of the stakes: a flawed hero struggles to save the lives of his friends…..

As for the antagonist…. Who is killing people off one by one? The painting? Why? Why would a murdered artist kill people he never knew? Did the artist paint some malevolent force in that painting? And this force must suck the life out of certain number of folks in order to escape?

Your script may be well done and tell a great story, but the logline is lacking.

That said, here would be my take on a logline:

A self-centered millionaire struggles to destroy a malevolent force trapped inside a rare painting – an evil that needs to kill in order to regain its freedom.

Please post your script on the board -- I think we would all like to give it a read.

Keep Writing!

[Latka]

Thanks for your comments mscherer, they are appreciated.

Taking into consideration your points, a more accurate logline would be:

A socially awkward girl struggles to save her only friends after a vengeful ghost, trapped in a painting by a murdered artist, targets them.

Once I have done a tidy up of the script I will indeed post it.

Have a good day