Dreaming of Me

[napolyphonic]

Sorry, tracinell, I've downloaded and begun reading, but rom-coms aren't my favorite so I haven't finished yet. I'll get back to you when I get the time to finish it.

Just want you to know someone's reading it!

-G

[tracinell]

Thanks napolyphonic!
That's a good point, perhaps I should state the genre with the title to warn inform everyone.

[mydoggeorge]

Here’s what I have for you for a review. Just keep in mind that I am fairly new at this sort of thing and I may not be correct in everything I post. Further, it’s totally up to you to change things as you see fit. I am only on the first couple of pages of a write up - but this should give you a start.

- I would lose the WGA registration. The people on this forum have said that it is unprofessional and definitely stigmatizes you as a noob.
- Try to redo this paragraph you have here:
‘Mario Super Smash Brothers Brawl’ plays loudly on the flat
screen. It’s Player 1 -- Mario -- against Peach, Zelda and
Samus. Mario is getting jacked up by the girls.
A muffled SCREAMING and POUNDING, annoys in the background.

To something like this –

A video game – ‘Super Mario Smash Brothers Brawl’ is displayed on a flat screen t.v. in the living room.

Mario is getting his ass kicked by Peach, Zelda and Samus. A background noise filters in. Muffled screams followed by a BOOM-BOOM-BOOM.

- Try and tighten up the character intro:
Cut to ROBERT DONOVAN (30), dashing, scruffy bearded,
unaffected film star/heart throb, slouched on a couch
apathetically losing the game. Muffled screaming continues.

First off get rid of the Cut to – stuff. That should be left only for significant changes, but for the most part it’s for the Director to put that into the shooting script.

Ok – here is what I would do –

ROBERT DONOVAN (30), slouches on a couch. He is definitely a solid rock of a man, actor with sex appeal, but is losing the game pathetically.

- the blurred background, dozens of screaming FANS press
themselves against the Plexiglas wall. Robert ignores them,
turns off the television.
Robert scans his 12’x12’ living room: TV, couch, coffee
table, a vending machine filled with water bottles and
Chinese take-out cartons, and a human-size hamster wheel, all
enclosed in a Plexiglas cube. Drilled air holes in the shape
of clouds dot the walls.

Here is what I would do:

Robert’s encased inside a 12 foot square plexiglass living space complete with a couch, coffee table, and a vending machine. Dozens of Fans line the outside of the space. Their hands push through the plexiglass breathing holes – hoping for a feel.


I guess from learning and getting critique myself – the best thing to do is to look over the screenplay and try and tighten everything up.

I will keep going with this – but it might take me a little time – super busy. Also, just keep in mind that this is just one person’s opinion, take it as that.

[Deleted]

Downloaded as well.

[tracinell]

Wow. Thanks mydoggeorge, sorry about the WGA #, that title page was required for a competition and I forgot to edit it. But thanks for the heads up.

Thanks for the feedback/examples, helps me get what you mean about 'tightening' it.

Thanks again,

[napolyphonic]

I agree with george about the tightening. It's 100 pages and I think it could probably be 85 or 90 if the superfluous description is removed. Remember, there's a director and art director to take care of a lot of the stuff you have in description. Just stick to the necessary.

I'm liking it so far, for a rom-com anyway It definitely fits into the genre

-G

[napolyphonic]

Alright. So I finished it, and slept on it, and I have a question.

Is this your first screenplay? Just curious where you are in your writing "career."

Now, this is definitely, absolutely, unarguably a chick flick. And more specifically, a chick flick for tweens. I must admit I wanted them to get together already, and get the thing over with. So yes, I was rooting for Emma and Robert, but I didn't want the whole movie to go on and on like it did. I had a hard time with the dreams, the sheer number of them, and how they just crumble into soap operas. There needs to be more drama, more dilemma, more misunderstanding and abstraction if dreams are going to be the centerpiece. By the end, I was actually hoping Emma would accidentally kill Robert and the whole thing would end up being a crazy, absurd story where Emma ends up running from the cops in the end and tragically dies. But that's just me.

I don't know if Robert is a good name for this character. Brings to mind Mr. Pattinson, and that's just dreadful. It turns your story into even more of a tween obsession flick. The description definitely lends itself to the cliche. It's wrought with male-model fantasies. I dare to say if a man had written this, it would've been considered misogyny.

Having said that, I think you should keep writing. You have a mind for good rom-com, you just need to find a genuine, emotional story to tell. Less soap, more realism.

-G

[tracinell]

Thanks for the feedback napolyphonic, you've given me a lot of things to think about...