The Hunt for July

[lizzo1014]

Your thoughts are welcomed.

Logline: "April, May and June Calendar, daughters of famed bank robber, Ray Calendar, hatch a plan to find and kill their illegitimate half-sister who is set to receive all the money from their dying, imprisoned father."

[mscherer]

lizzo1014,

Okay, gotta say the sister’s names are too cute by half (as the saying goes). I would suppose the father should be called August Calender to keep pun going ;D -- but I digress.

Don’t like this story as it is now set up. Here’s why. You have the wrong protagonist. No audience is going to root for three psychopaths out to kill their half-sister over money. Also, who cares if they get the money or not?

But the audience will root for the half-sister. Make her the protagonist. Make the evil sisters the antagonists. (Getting to sound a bit Cinderella-ish now). With that I would change the logline, and the story, and get rid of those names. Then you could have….

An innocent girl struggles to stay alive after learning her half-sisters are conspiring to prevent her from inheriting their gangster father’s millions.

Ain’t great, but you get the idea.

Keep Writing!

[czachcross]

an audience could root for the three sisters. it just depends on how the story is written.

perhaps the half sister is Cinderella in her father's eye, but the sisters know how she really behaves.

[speakingofsegues]

I agree with mscherer in that the evil sisters shouldn't be the protagonists. If you do want it to be the half-sister who is the antagonist, though, then it should be something more like the half-sister plans to kill the three of them in order to inherit their father's money (starting to sound like Three Little Pigs now), and so the three biological sisters/daughters have to protect themselves.

Otherwise, I quite like mscherer's new logline. Or, switching to my other suggestion by re-arranging a few things;

"Three sisters struggle to stay alive after learning their criminal father had an illegitimate daughter who may now be after their inheritance."

[lizzo1014]

Thanks for all your suggestions.

I disagree that the audience can't root for the three sisters, however I understand for a novice writer it is better to go with a likable protagonist than an anti-hero.

I should add that the father is currently in jail because one of the daughters botched up during the bank heist. Ray took the fall for all three girls (there isn't enough evidence to put them in), but being that he's a bitter old man, he refuses to give his secret stash of stolen money to the three women. Since they helped acquire that cash, April, May and June are upset that it will go to some unknown girl, a sister they've never heard of until now. Anyone who has been in will disputes know that it isn't uncommon that the older siblings are screwed out of money by a resentful parent and the newer child (usually the result of a new marriage, younger and romanticized by said parent) gets most of the money.

Also, looking for the missing Calendar daughter is a determined sheriff who is upset that the sisters aren't in jail rotting along with their old man. He knows what the girls are capable of and wants to get there first or possibly catch the sisters doing crime.

However, I'm open to the changing of protagonists, just takes some mulling over and asking others.

Thanks!
Elizabeth

[mscherer]

lizzo101,

Some more thoughts....

I should add that the father is currently in jail because one of the daughters botched up during the bank heist. Ray took the fall for all three girls (there isn't enough evidence to put them in), but being that he's a bitter old man, he refuses to give his secret stash of stolen money to the three women.

Hmmmm. The bitter old man will take the fall for his daughters, but won’t share the money? This is a movie in itself. The three sisters have to wonder: Why would he do this? The girls dig into their dad’s past and discover.....

Since they helped acquire that cash, April, May and June are upset that it will go to some unknown girl, a sister they've never heard of until now.

Okay. The sisters are upset they won’t get any money -- understandable. But, are they capable of killing a complete stranger? Are they capable of killing their father’s daughter? If they are, how in the world can they be sympathetic? They would have to be sociopaths -- and no audience will root for a sociopath.

Now, if you write this as a comedy -- forget everything I said and

Keep Writing!

[lizzo1014]

Okay. The sisters are upset they won’t get any money -- understandable. But, are they capable of killing a complete stranger? Are they capable of killing their father’s daughter? If they are, how in the world can they be sympathetic? They would have to be sociopaths -- and no audience will root for a sociopath.

Perhaps I shouldn't say kill, but physically harm or attempt to threaten. It's a redemptive comedy that ends with the sisters realizing how they don't want to corrupt the younger sister who is lovely and leads a productive life.

[mscherer]

Gotch'ya ;D