The Choir - 4th Draft

[supermikhail]

First, somebody's going to have really tough time not giving away Maestro's face in some of the shots. But it's their problem.

Second, very good, very flowing, although I wasn't constantly immersed, what with the déjà vu for the fourth time... Well, I can understand how it goes with the story, although I wasn't very fond of looking through Tyler's eyes. Are you sure some of the repetitions are absolutely necessary.

While the story is good, I can kind of see where it's coming from. Are you sure you're not making a darker Batman? Because I see the characters already there, I see the setup (the Batgirl has to die). I'm not sure that it's a bad thing, but I'm always for something new.

Finally, I think the final one-liner sucks. I understand it's still a rough, so the dialogue is still going to get changed, just make sure it sounds right. I feel like the last line doesn't really correlate with the previous one.

[speakingofsegues]

Hi Mikhail,

Thanks for being the first to read and comment!

I'm trying to build the suspense as to who this guy Maestro is so I'd like to try and keep his actual face concealed until that big scene if possible, but yeah, I guess that's an issue for the director.

Thanks for the comments about the pacing. You're right that, come the fourth perspective, you see some of the same things again. I've tried to balance it well by coming in far enough into the scene (or getting out early enough) that still shows it's "that part from before" so people understand it's switched perspectives. But if even that small bit is too much, then I might need to revisit how much of a scene I show again.

I do see a lot of similarities between this and The Dark Knight, yes, though "Batgirl" doesn't have to die lol. Truthfully I was getting more inspiration from Breaking Bad and Sin City, but perhaps you're right in that there might be more comparisons between Wheeler and The Joker than Wheeler and someone else.

As for the final one-liner, are you talking about when Oggy says his thing about "... well then you just gotta force your way in, don't you" ? Because this is the same line he has in the beginning. I did this not only to have it come with a sort of 'full-circle' feel, but also because I'm trying to make his reasoning for what he's doing at the end to be ambiguous. Maybe he's doing it for Wheeler... or maybe he's got other plans in mind? (In my mind I know, but I'd like the audience to be wondering)
So do you think him saying this line in the beginning sucks as well? Or do you feel it's only because he says it again (which gives it a new context given the final scene) that makes it suck?

Again, thanks very much for reading! I definitely appreciate the feedback

[supermikhail]

Well, in the beginning Oggy sounds cool, but meaningless. In the ending, he sounds stupid.

And by the way, it sometimes feels like they say something just because it sounds cool, without any meaning or connection. What's worse, they then repeat it several time... and then it stops being cool. "...force your way in..." sounds awkward in both cases.

Also, I now realize that during reading I visualized the script without the title cards - are you sure they aren't going to break the narrative? Although I might have been visualizing it wrong.

Now, a disclaimer: all this critique is kind of fine-tuning that might not change anything really. The plot is there, and anyway you'll end up reusing many shots. I think whether I'm right is going to be easier to decide during film editing. The idea is there, the dialogue is there, if I were you I'd go pitch it to somebody already.

[speakingofsegues]

Hi again,

Well thank you for the support! It's greatly appreciated.

I fully get what you're saying in terms of the title cards possibly breaking the narrative. Hopefully the act-outs happen at the right times and then the title cards at the right time (on network, before/after commercials, on cable, when they fit in the script). And I suppose I didn't mention it before, but as per the 'cool' factor of some lines existing only for that reason, that's actually kind of what I'm going for. I'm really drawing inspiration from Sin City as far as the running narrative goes, and am looking for the series to have that kind of pseudo-campy feel, like a comic book on-screen, though not going quite so far with the monochromatic scale that Sin City uses.

However, if you feel that this is distracting or ends up 'trying too hard', then I might want to revisit that as well.

Thanks again for the great feedback

[speakingofsegues]

Anybody else? I'd love to hear from some more people.

Thanks :-)

[Deleted]

Downloaded. Give me a few days to look it over.

[speakingofsegues]

Sounds great, I look forward to it. Thanks!