LAYOVER (1st draft, quick 5 page short)

[dwight]

Here's a quick short I've been wanting for a write for a while so here's a quick draft.

Rip it apart! ;D

Attachments:

[czachcross]

it's clear what's going on. it's clear what happens at the end.

[mscherer]

Well done. Didn't see the twist coming at the end. Very TWILIGHT ZONE ;D

Keep Writing!

[fastfreddie]

Peter,

Nice job. I agree with Zach and Mike. I also like the title... I might be reading more into it then most.

My only comment (nit-picky):

pg. 1... "we see tired eyes." I don't have a stand on the use of "we see" some SP's it works, others it doesn't, but it only appears once in your SP. I would get rid of it... so jack-offs like me don't comment on it.

I really enjoyed it... you should post more... I would love to read anything else you got.

fastfreddie

[dwight]

Thanks for the read guys.

@freddie good point. If it's the only "we see" yeah it doesn't need to be there. I think that comes from reading too many h-wood scripts with "we see", it rubs off.. but at the same time it feels like a cop-out of writing something stronger.

[Deleted]

Damn!

Gave me the willies...Nice piece! A few minor details, but damn...good story.

[openup]

Nice one. Nicely written. Kind story. The ending was expectable, but nevertheless, it was good. You know, one of those stories one reads with a smile. Plus, it's easy to shoot. You change the plane with a bus(if you can't get ahold of a plane ), and you got yourself a very nice short!

Thanks for the good read.

[Jeff Messerman]

Fine work Peter! It's a classic ghost story, a campfire tale, always room for one of those.

What are your next steps? Eventual production or did you see this as a writing exercise?

[dwight]

@open good idea on the bus, train could work too.

@jeff Well... I have buddies that have their own startup prodco, they mostly deal with documentary type filming.. but their editing quality would be perfect. So right now it will just sit until i talk with one of them. So currently it's just something in the arsenal for when I finally make some moves... Unless someone on GITS Club wants to pay one bazillion dollars for it

[alexringgaard]

Very nice script. For a moment I was thrown off by the way Suzie spoke. It just seemed to deep and not very fit for a 6-year-old, but the ending kind of explained that.