In Search of Substance

[escarondito]

This is the first draft of a short script I had an idea for.

It focuses on the college life dynamic that I witness when viewing my friends in NY. Also, the way modern relationships work especially amongst this age group and the locations these young ones reside in.

Attachments:

[mscherer]

Philip,

Title page: do not include a revision number, or a copyright. Considered ‘amateur’ if you were to submit to anyone in the biz.

Also, the words ‘Scripped’ and ‘scripped.com’. Why are they there in the first place?

Page 1:

LAUREN
I can't find it. It's not here. I
can't believe some bitch took my
wallet.Oh my god I'm so hungry.

I found it hard to believe someone would discover their wallet has been stolen and they would say: ‘Oh my god I’m so hungry.’

Doesn’t ring true. I would be worried about credit cards, debit cards, my driver’s license, etc.

Also, double-check your punctuation and spelling:

JEFF
This is america baby, you have to
take care of yourself.

America should be capitalized.

Lauren tries to break through the crowd and find Homer but
he's out of sight.

Lauren tries to break through the crowd to find Homer, but
he's out of sight.

Page 2:
When Jeff says: ‘Come to sleep.’ I think you meant: Come to bed. Come to sleep sounds awkward and wrong.

Lauren waits in the chair of the BANK WORKER as she unwraps
and envelope.

Story logic: if Lauren sits in the chair of the BANK WORKER, where does the Bank Worker sit? Also, the way this sentence is constructed it sounds as if Lauren is unwrapping an envelope.

Also, 'an envelope', not 'and envelope'.

Lauren grabs her things but turns back before she leaves.

Punctuation: Lauren grabs her things, but turns back before she leaves. Maybe this sentence/action would flow better if stated: Lauren grabs her things -- faces Bank Worker.

Page 3:
You’re telling, not showing:

Lauren goes to by a ticket.
The ticket costs three dollars.
LAUREN
Fuck!

Try:
Lauren buys a ticket.

TICKET GUY
That’ll be three dollars.

LAUREN
Fuck!

EXT. TIMES SQUARE STATION - DAY
Lauren searches the streets and the crowds.
She stops by a Homeless couple. Shows them the cup.
LAUREN
Have you seen the guy who usually
has this cup.
HOMELESS WOMAN
You stole
Homer's cup?
LAUREN
No! Wait. That's his name? Homer?
HOMELESS MAN
Well he writes his name on all his
cups.
They stand up and show her the bottom. Yep: HOMER is written
in the same ink.
They shuffle away.
LAUREN
But where is he now!?

Found this scene a bit clumsy. Try:
EXT. TIMES SQUARE STATION - DAY

Lauren searches desperately for Homer. Approaches a HOMELESS COUPLE. Shows them the cup:

LAUREN
You know the guy owns this cup?

HOMELESS WOMAN
That’s Homer’s cup!

LAUREN
You sure that’s his name?

HOMELESS MAN
Writes his name on everything.

Lauren turns over the cup. HOMER inked on the bottom.

The Homeless Couple shuffle off.

LAUREN
How do I find him?

Next scene: EXT. TIMES SQUARE POLICE STATION - DAY
Not really needed. Doesn’t add anything to the story.

Okay, this may just be me, but I’ve been to New York plenty of times -- stayed in the Times Square area, but for the life of me I don’t recall any buildings that have a set of stairs where Lauren could ‘...runs to the top of the steps. Peers over the massive crowd.’ I’m probably wrong here, so refresh my memory: what building would this be?

Page 4:
Spelling: INT. TIMES SWUARE SUBWAY - AFTERNOON

When Lauren runs into the fast food joint it is AFTERNOON. By the time she hands over the burger and drink to Homer, it’s NIGHT. Be very careful when it comes to continuity.

Page 5:
Story logic: On the previous page Homer declines the burger -- on a no-carb diet. But on this page he asks for the drink. You did not state that the drink was diet, so why would Homer drink something full of sugar (carbs)? If it is a diet soda, say so to keep the reader from getting confused or forcing her to stop reading and wonder, huh?

He gets ont he train. Looks back.

Spelling: ...gets on the train...

You stated in your post:
It focuses on the college life dynamic that I witness when viewing my friends in NY. Also, the way modern relationships work especially amongst this age group and the locations these young ones reside in.

One, nowhere in this script are any of the characters identified as college students. There are no ‘modern relationships’ explored here (other than a brief bedroom scene). And finally, the story has no point. No moral. No character arc.

Sorry to be so harsh, but this short piece really needs a lot of work. Please don’t be frustrated. Rethink the story. Develop the characters. Decide what does Lauren learn, or how does she change, after her encounter with Homer. You have a great opportunity to tell a sweet little story here, so make the changes you deem necessary and

Keep Writing!

[Jeff Messerman]

First draft, as you said, so I will review it as such...

Nice window into the world of the current urban 20 year old. I think you may wish to eventually scissor out some of the more superfluous dialogue only because a tad more subtlety will go a long way more so than overt verbosity. (not to say your dialogue is bad... on the contrary, it feels quite 'real' to me... it's been a couple of decades since my 20's but I do recall thinking and talking like that... )

Either way, I absolutely dig what you're doing here. Polish it up and drop another draft here when you're ready.

[escarondito]

Both of you, thank you for your input. Just to answer you on the scripped logo front page, that is because I write sometimes when I am at work, and rather than install Final Draft onto the computers and potentially get fired. I use scripped.com which is an online screenwriting site. It's actually not bad to be honest with you, but as you read, they still have to work on a spell check function. I'll just have to be more vigilant in manually looking for errors.

I posted on the college life aspect because that's what I see when I hang out with my friends. This kind of complete devaluation of money and not understanding how much it means. Maybe I should've emphasized it more, as that is what I want lauren to learn at the end of the script. The value of money. In earlier drafts the Convo between Jeff and Lauren last a little longer where we learn that before she lost her wallet she spent almost 300 dollars in the club they attended. Then, she doesn't cause too much of an issue because she'll just have her parents put more in her account. I think that's where your confusion was with how she could lose her wallet then just say, "Well I'm hungry, let's eat". I hoped the fact that she simply expects jeff to pay for her would show her inability to take responsibility for her bad money habits and her consisten idea of being taken care of.

Let me know with this latest draft whether you think I should throw it back in or not. Changed the name as well to "Dough Hole".

Eagerly await your input. And thank you again for the help. I really appreciate it.

Attachments:

[escarondito]

Also, I kept in the police part for now, just because I'm thinking I might want to develop it into something I'm just not sure yet. A part to reveal more about Lauren's character.

[escarondito]

No comments on the new draft?

[Deleted]

I haven't had time to read anything in quite a while, so you you are lucky my kid has been up since 2:00 AM.

-- This is confusing and clunky:

A Double dating group of 20 SOMETHING COLLEGE KIDS drunkenly
step into the light of a 24 HOUR FAST FOOD JOINT.

Maybe:
Two couples, college age, drunkenly wander into the light of a 24 hour fast food joint.

or

EXT. TIMES SQUARE - FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Two couples drunkenly laugh and stumble after a night at the club. The college aged couples weave through a group of people that is mingling in front of the restaurant.

It still needs work, but its less clunky.

-- Lauren needs to dump his ass:

JEFF

This is America baby, you have to
take care of yourself.

Would Lauren really sleep with him? He won't buy her a $2 meal but she hops right into bed with the guy? So she has zero self respect?

-- Continuity:
Lauren tries to break through the crowd and find Homer, but
he's out of sight.

This is part of the reason why your beginning sounded so odd. She goes through a crowd here, but it was described very well. That is why I specifically mention a crowd.

-- I like Jeff less after:

JEFF

Come to sleep. I had a dream youwere a mango and now I want to
suck all your juice.

What a creepy line. I don't understand why she is with him.

--I don't understand the purpose of the envelope:

Lauren waits in the chair across from the BANK WORKER as she
opens an envelope.

Lauren is in a bank, so why did the BANK WORKER mail the card to herself? I would have the BANK WORKER just hand her the bank card.

--Observation: Lauren is a trucker, right? She has the mouth of one.

If the ticket is $3, and she has $8, why the harsh reaction?

--I think it is odd that Lauren has been carrying around this cup all day, but never thought to turn it over?

-- I agree with Mike, there is little purpose to the scene with the cops.

--This also sounds odd:

The crowd parts around somebody.
Meandering down, Homer the Hobo.

It first sounds like Homer is on the ground, but then he is meandering down somewhere. Needs clarification.

-- Needs streamlining:

Lauren sprints down the steps.
A INFORMATION KIOSK WORKER sternly holds a man.
Being talked to, Homer the Hobo.
Lauren intervenes.

Maybe:
Lauren sprints down the steps
An INFORMATION KIOSK WORKER sternly holds, scolds Homer.
Lauren intervenes.

--Continuity:
She pulls him to sit on the steps.

Isn't there a large crowd around them? Why would they sit down on the steps? Why not walk over to a quiet bench?

--Logic:
Last night, Lauren was mad that they wouldn't spend $2 to buy her food, now the menu is $8 for a full menu. Why even look at the coffee shop? She knows there is food in there that is less than $8. Go inside and order off the $1 menu instead.

--Math:
It's $4 for a bagel and coffee. The cream cheese is $1. So why can't she buy it? That is only $5 and she has $8.

The ending falls flat for me.

-- Overall, I really don't understand the point of this piece. I understand what you are trying to say because of your POST, but I have no idea what you are trying to say with your script.

From the script, the point of the piece is:
-All men in Lauren's life are assholes.
-Lauren has a potty mouth.
-Bums in New York are crazy because even though they are hungry, they prefer to be on no-card diets.

From your post, you definitely need to add more to this story as it is not coming across correctly.

No comments on the new draft?

There are my comments for you, now it is time for you to pay it forward and read and comment on someone's else piece...but you don't have to do it at 2 AM.