"Sins of the Scapegoat" FIRST DRAFT

[napolyphonic]

Alright. Just finished this tonight. This is a first draft. I haven't even read through it for typos. Not sure if it's a good idea or not to post it, but I want to see what you guys have to say.

"After he finds a winning lotto ticket in a dead body, a depressed coroner's assistant on the verge of bankruptcy is pulled into an underground crime world full of lies and corruption, while a lone detective seeks the truth with guidance from a mysterious serial killer."

109 pages.

Thanks very much in advance to those who read it. I really appreciate you taking time to help me out.

-G

Attachments:

[Deleted]

G,

Downloaded. Are you looking for detailed notes, or just overall impressions of the story?

[napolyphonic]

For now, just overall impressions are fine. I know there are some issues inherent in it being a first draft, so detailed notes may be overkill. BUT, if you feel like going into detail, feel free.

I appreciate you taking the time to read it.

-G

[napolyphonic]

Alright guys. I've been reading through this and there are some bad typos and I apologize. To clarify:

When Catch is talking to Gabe at the beginning, replace Garcia with Mike.

When Rasha says "Music Man Records" he means Magic Man.

Sorry guys. The drawbacks of posting a raw first draft.

-G

[Jeff Messerman]

It is my hope that I will get to this at some point in the next 24 hours. I LOVE reading first drafts... first stepping stone on a script's journey... both a wonderful and terrifying place.

Don't fret about typos n' such... you've already qualified this as a first draft so it's all good.

Jeff

[supermikhail]

I... have just read it. Couldn't put it down until I was through (although I admit, previously it got lost in my folders so it had to wait for the right moment for me to get to it). Superb piece of action. Very compact, very flowing.

I've got a couple of gripes, though. Bristol seems to me a little too evil, if it was my script, I would try to make him more human.

Catch - I was kind of disturbed when he became an accomplice to Gabriel in a crime, a very violent at that. I would accept it if he just shot Houdini, but the way he did it would probably make it rather easy for his co-officers to track him, and that would kind of prevent him from fulfilling Stuart's last wish - besides it being a violent crime... I feel like his adoption of violence needs to be justified more.

Ah, and there's one little scene, where Stuart plays in a park with Emma (cloud watching) - I felt like it broke the pacing, at least of the script, because it needs sort of slow filming, they can't just say it, they need to lie there without anything happening for some time.

I haven't noticed many typos (one "you're" instead of "your", I think), and generally, the script's been a joy to read. It doesn't really strike me as a wide-screen format, but I'd love to watch it on TV.

[napolyphonic]

Thanks for reading, Mikhail. I really appreciate you taking the time, and I'll definitely think about the input.

-G

[supermikhail]

Also, a long afterthought - it appears to me that Stuart has a disproportionately large exposition. The scenes where he's being affectionate with his daughter, neither Catch, nor Gabriel, nor Houdini get anything like that, and by screen time, except for the exposition, Stuart isn't any more important than them. Seeing as later one character expressly says that Stuart loves his daughter more than anything, I'd be really fine if you just told it without showing.

[napolyphonic]

Mikhail,

I don't really want to cut out Stuart's introduction. I wrote him as the protagonist. He undergoes the most change, he suffers the most, he holds the key to the survival of all the other characters, and we have to have a solid emotional connection to him in order for the stand off scene to be as tragic as it is. I know this story is flirting with an ensemble piece, but it still focuses on Stuart.

But, I'm glad to hear from a different perspective, and maybe it should be a question for you and anyone else reading this script:

Should Stuart remain the protagonist, or is there a stronger throughline in the story? OR should it be an ensemble piece where pretty much everyone has equal screen time?

Thanks for reading.

-G

[supermikhail]

You don't have to ask me - definitely ensemble. Although I went over the top with including Houdini into main characters. Stuart is the protagonist, but Catch comes just a little short of it. And if you try to make him more secondary, he'll probably just start to sound underdeveloped and cliché. Instead, I would personally really like to see how he comes to advocate Gabriel's methods.

Also, in afterthought, I noticed that Nelly is unexplained - why does she turn on her boss? I might have missed something, but she seems to be connected with Catch, and she could be a part to Catch's story.

[napolyphonic]

So I didn't want to throw in my explanation/analysis of this story until more people read it, but maybe I'll just give a brief description of my view.

Catch- Throughout the movie, Gabriel is throwing out these religious/philosophical ideas about purpose and meaning. He's talking about how he is a tool and how he fits into the world. But he is also talking about Catch in parallel. Catch is also a tool. He's there for a reason and in the end, we see that purpose come to fruition. There was no way Houdini would ever see justice if it weren't for Catch using his connection to Nelly. I disagree that it's better for Catch to shoot Houdini than for him to give in to Gabriel's methods. By simply delivering Houdini to Gabriel, he's not directly killing anybody, he's serving his purpose so that Gabriel can complete the task he was given. In the end, Catch realizes that there is a justice outside of the corrupt system in which he exists.

Nelly- She'll probably get more in the rewrite. As for now, a lot is just implied. Maybe she's like Rasha. We're introduced to that character in a way that makes us think Catch is already working outside the system. Nelly is another interesting little connection that Catch keeps tabs on from time to time, and he ends up using her in the end.

The hard thing with ensemble, is everyone has to suffer the same. Catch needs to be injured, needs to struggle, and probably needs to be arrested for what he was instead reprimanded. That doesn't work in the story. He needs to stay semi-neutral and on the outskirts of the story. Same thing with Gabriel. He doesn't do much but wait in his cell. Houdini's the same. I mean, I could write a 200 page screenplay easily, but that's not a spec. They are subplots that all interweave with the throughline. They work very well that way. I'd need to separate them more in order to achieve an ensemble, I think.

Thanks again.

-G

[supermikhail]

If you take care of Nelly, my critique probably just boils down to Catch's lack of motivation, or backstory, or space in the script. He doesn't have to struggle, but you don't really show that he works outside... or that he is capable of direct cooperation with Gabriel. But maybe you can show it through his dialogue in rewrites.

Anyway, best of luck, whichever way you take this screenplay.

[Deleted]

Napolyphonic,

Here are my notes. As always, please let me know if you have any questions.

Sins of the Scapegoat - Notes

[napolyphonic]

Brain,

Thank you thank you thank you for reading this. Your notes are great and I'm happy to have them. They will absolutely be by my side as I rewrite. They are invaluable. Thank you.

You have a lot of valid points about big issues with the screenplay, and it's nice to see them come from a different perspective. Of course, I agree and disagree, but that's kinda the point. I actually started to write out some answers to your questions, but I realized that I just need to do the rewrite, and if you are gracious enough, you'll hopefully read that too. I will tell you that I have a lot of solutions already worked out to the problems you bring up.

I'm nervous and anxious to get this thing printed out and start rewriting it, and I think the next draft will be a lot more solid and enjoyable.

Thanks again. I really really appreciate it.

-G

[Deleted]

napolyphonic,

I am happy to help.

I am glad you agree and disagree. I am sure your vision is much different from mine. I am just trying to give you an outsiders perspective as I read through your script. I am by no means a professional, I just try to write down my thoughts as I read through it.

No need to write out answers. Cross out the ideas and thoughts you do not like, and hopefully some of my suggestions and insight will help you on the rewrite.

I would be happy to read it again and write notes on that one too.