The Michelangelo Killer (suspense-thriller)

[Don777]

With a special thanks to Echomusic for reworking my logline:

After experiencing déjà vu at a murder scene, a homicide detective undergoes Past Life Regression and realizes that the serial killer she's hunting in the present, murdered her in a former life.

FYI, this is draft numero five. I no longer know what works or doesn't work. Hopefully, my fellow GITITES will weigh in. Gitites sounds kind of biblical doesn't it? LOL.

www.sendspace.com/file/n7nr4a

[oz]

Hello, Don.

Enjoyed the read and think overall, you've done a terrific job here.

What I liked:
-the past life take on a detective working a case is new, as far as I know. Maybe a little too preachy at times about the whole issue but you can fix that easily.
- really good bad guys. Always in the dark, not in your face.
- good visuals of the murders and the tie in to the art world, again, don't think I've ever seen it.
- nice twist when Lilly becomes target

What I didn't like:
-Again, a little too 'this is what past life regression is' dialogue. You can smooth it out, though. Just need to be cognizant of it.
- A few too many conveniences for you along the journey. Like when Kayce first goes to the ruins at night. Really? At night? Too convenient. How about not making her look like she's a total idiot and it's daytime but raining/thunderstorm. That gives you the doom & gloom you need and makes the environment tricky but doesn't make her look unprofessional for A) going alone and B) going alone at night. Another instance of convenience is that Greene immediately buys into the past life regression, has a grandmother who did voodoo and everything. It would almost be worth it to have her go into the last trance on her own than have that convenience---I'd rather see her fighting him on how she came to the crime scene than see her give it up so easily. TOO convenient. And even Kayce's first trance with her sister. She goes into it so easily. Maybe it just doesn't take the first time but the dreams haunt her so badly that she keeps trying. It just feels too easy when there are so many conveniences played out for her to fail/succeed, etc. You can fix those, though, because you have a solid story.
--I'd work on the 18th century dialogue to make it really authentic. It's just kind of hitting the target.

Here are a few things I found/noticed; hope it helps:
pg2--would she talk over a screaming alarm clock? Maybe she hit snooze then it rings again but imagining that first scene in my head and I'm thinking, this chick's nuts! Who has a dialogue with themselves with an alarm clock blasting?

pg3--I'd drop the last bit she says to the plant. AFter she sings, it shows her hope. Very cute.

pg13--The whole cop grabbing the gun after a scary dream when someone wakes them is kind of over done. Try something new. Have her put her sister in a headlock or throw her against the wall or something. It's just too cliche.
-- Same goes for the chick cop taking down the burly man cop in the training session. How about she actually yells uncle but is still respected because the guy is, after all, twice her size? That's real.

Pg 16--The roses are dusty at the crime scene and that's really your only indication of how long the body's been there. You may need to punch in something with dialogue if it's important because dusty roses might not be visually enough. Just a thought.

pg 17--I really didn't get 'on the verge of greatness' for Laura's character description. Sure, after the fact, but it doesn't serve well as character description, I don't think. Might want to expand that a bit.
-- when the man in the car 'strokes his face with the rose', I don't think it's creepy enough. Maybe he flicks his thumb on a thorn on the stem. BUT 'shadows Laura like a black cloud" VERY nice : )

pg 18--A few errors along the way; at Kayce's last dialogue, I'M sure.
pg19-- 'seethes silently', silently is redundant
pg 37-- 'ques' should read cues
pg 43-- at Jacobs last dialogue, I am THE (not thee)
pg 62-- Describing Gavin, HE'D
pg 72-- Greene's listed as saying Kayce's dialogue at the top of the page

pg 38-- When Kayce's phone vibrates, "who's vibrating me"---awkward line. You have a bit of unneeded dialogue that just adds weight, not power. Pg51--Greene "this is one sick fuck" no need for Kayce's "Tell me about it", we know how she feels, we just saw what she went through.

-- When Ortega finds Blakes card, perhaps show that card in the scene back at his studio so that when we see it again, you don't need the clumsy "The guy who takes photos of girls....." and just have the "I knew you smelled bad."

When I saw you were on draft 5 & "no longer know what works or doesn't", I felt for you. Been there, done that. Thought I'd take detailed notes because I know what it's like to get it all swimming in your head and you just don't have a clue anymore.

It needs another pass to simplify and authenticate but you're VERY close. I read it in one sitting so that says something. Hope this helps and congrats on a terrific script, Don! : )

[Don777]

Oz!

Wow, I don't even know where to begin. I guess I should start with a very strong and heartfelt 'Thank you'! This is wonderful feedback. I'm really grateful for all the time and thought you put into it. I find myself cringing at some of the things I should have caught, but I guess that's normal.

I was not expecting this kind of detailed and extensive feedback. Please know that your notes have been received with the utmost appreciation. Seriously, you rock!

Don

[mscherer]

Don,

Interesting take on a police procedural – unique; fresh. Much potential here.

Okay, a quick critique. Get rid of the overuse of pronouns. One page one alone I counted fourteen instances of the pronoun HE. I’m certain after the introduction of Kayce there are many, many instances of she.

Same with the ‘to be’ verb ‘is’. I counted over 200 instances of the word ‘is’. As an example:

Kayce is at the kitchen sink finishing off a cup of coffee.
She's dressed in a pants suit and black running shoes.
(22 words).

Would flow/read better as:
Kayce finishes her coffee at the kitchen sink – wears a pants suit and black running shoes. (16 words).

Hmmm, past life thing happens around page 30 – kind’a late in the story. Bring it in earlier.

CASSANDRA GALLO (30's), -- not the possessive. 30s.

When Kayce enters the decrepit mansion, why does she not smell the decomposing bodies?

Loved the story – keep up the good work and always,
Keep Writing!

[Don777]

mscherer,

Thanks so much for the feedback. You have provided some great suggestions that will make for a much smoother read on the next (Ugh!) draft. :-)


Don

[echomusic]

OK, got a lot going on in my head here so I’ll try and be concise as possible. Please keep in mind – this is all my opinion – take what you want and leave what you don’t.

Films that came to mind while reading this – Dead Again, L.A. Confidential, Silence Of The Lambs and for some reason, the French film Cache.

I can now see why you liked the deja vu line from Love Alters. I think it goes somewhere along the lines of what you’re doing here.

I think you have a really great idea here – I don’t think you’ve explored it as far as you can.
The key I guess would be – what can you do with these characters and situations that makes it stand out from things we’ve seen before.

Kayce. I liked the fact that you had a strong female lead – very driven. Maybe she is driven to try and prove herself to her (male) peers – even if they don’t really care if she is a woman. Brings up some interesting conflicts between her and Ortega.

Had an idea that when we first see her, she’s in bed, trying to perfect her pronouncement of her job title – she’s lying there, wracked with insomnia – then she sits up, takes a deep breath, closes her eyes…waits. and then just as the alarm clock begins to buzz, she taps it, shutting it off. She was ahead of time.

Maybe that could be her thing – through-out the movie she has trouble introducing herself with her new job titles – and the one time she gets it right, the one time she announces it with the intensity she needs to is at the end at the party, going after Jacobs. And that’s when we realize she’s arrived at who she has been striving to be.

Loved the descriptions of the crime scenes – when Kayce went down into the mansion and discovered the various bodies, really liked how you were setting that up. Loved the reveal of the man, hiding in the shadows – had a crazy idea – Kayce is shining her flashlight, comes to a vase of dead flowers, then moves to another vase – dead flowers, another vase – dead flowers, one more vase – new, fresh pink roses, and standing right next to the vase, slightly illuminated by her light – Charon.

Loved the part when they went to Blake’s (was it Blake or Black? I saw instances of both and got slightly confused as to who is who) apartment and Ortega was going through the pictures – calling out the names of the victims. Don’t know why, thought it was a really good moment to humanize Ortega and even though he’s a hardened detective, he’s finally coming to see the faces of these decomposed bodies he’s been finding.

Re: The regression process – I think you only really need to show it once, maybe not in full detail, but a little lengthier, and then every time after that, we can come in on Kayce already under.

The sister – really think there’s something special you can do with their relationship. We get hints of their past, and I love stuff like that – giving bits and pieces without giving everything away. I like that they're opposites but with enough similarities to connect them.

I’m gonna stop here cause I could babble on and on and on.

All in all, I think you’ve got some really great stuff to work with here and I think if you keep chipping away at it and retooling things – you’re gonna have one helluva script that I can’t wait to read.

Don’t be afraid of the rewrite. I used to hate the idea of it, but the more I did it, the more I loved it because it forces you to develop a subjective mind – what is important to the story, what isn’t? What can be told in as direct a way as possible.

You can do it and I can’t wait to read it.

[Don777]

Erin,

I don't think you were babbling at all, in fact, you have some great ideas. Thank you for taking the time. You guys have given my a lot of material to take into the next draft.

Thanks!

Don